Fire Emblem Path of Radiant Idiots
by The Green Wolf
Summary: Behold, a story where Ike is a tapdancing idiot. There are also a few OCs.
1. Prologue: Mercenaries Gone Crazy

Prologue. Mercenaries Gone Crazy

One fine day in the forest, Greil and Ike were sparring with rubber chickens. "Hiya!" shouted Ike. "I'll definitely kill you with my extremely deadly pet chicken named Frederick!"

"Ike! I can't believe you still think these things are alive! How many times to I have to tell you that a person who travels through time sold me these rubber chickens at his black market! They're just toys!" Greil exclaimed in reply.

"You hypocrite!" Ike gasped and he tried even harder to hit his father with his rubber chicken.

"Well, Ike? Had enough?" Greil taunted after Ike tripped and fell down.

Then Mist came running screaming, "DAD!!! IKE!!! I HEARD A CHICKEN CLUCKING!!!"

"Ah, Mist…I didn't know that you also believed that rubber chickens could talk. How many times do I have to-"

"Yaaaah!" Ike stupidly screamed as he tried to do a "sneak attack" on Greil while he was lecturing Mist. Greil simply had to dodge and (somehow) knock Ike out with the rubber chicken.

"Ike?... OH NO A RUBBER CHICKEN KNOCKED YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Mist as she ran over to him.

Meanwhile Ike dreamt of his mother. _A-am I dead? _he thought. But then he woke up to the sound of Mist humming the same song his mother hummed. When he looked at Mist he then realized just how much she resembled their deceased mother. "M-Mother? Is that you? I _am _dead aren't I? Well, how about that? Dad's homicidal pet chicken killed me. You must hate me for being so weak, Mom."

Mist sighed and just replied, "Ah, you're up! 'Bout time! Are you all right?"

"N-um…Yeah, I'll be fine." Ike was embarrassed that he had thought that his sister was his mother.

"So, the sleeping prince awakens!" Exclaimed Greil.

"Father! I can't believe you! I know those tall skinny chickens are supposed to be harmless, but not when you use them as weapons! You have no right to be rough on Ike."

"If this is too much for the boy, he'll never make it as a mercenary." Greil replied.

"But-"

"Moth- I mean Mist, you don't have to worry. I told you, I'm fine." said Ike.

"Ha! You'd better be. Now STOP PLAYING WITH 'FREDERICK' AND PICK UP YOUR WOODEN SWORD!!!!!!!!!!" Greil suddenly thundered at Ike, who cowered and whispered,

"I'll protect you, Frederick. Aw, don't cry. HEY, I SAID NO CRYING!!! GOSH!!!!!!!" and so the pissed off Ike picked up his wooden training sword and took up a fighting position and faced his father.

"What the- don't tell me you're going at it again! But-"

"Just until I land a single blow," Ike interrupted Mist again, "I'm not giving up until I can get one good hit on Father."

"I like your resolve, Ike. But it takes more than a strong will to…Hm?" Greil heard a rustling noise coming from the bushes.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S A KILLER SLAB OF ROAST BEEF!!!!! JUST LIKE IN MY NIGHTMARE!!!" Mist screeched and started hyperventilating.

Ike just looked at Mist like she was psychotic and simply said to her, "Shut-up, Mist, you moron, you…"

"Aha! I knew I'd find you here!" exclaimed Boyd as he leapt from out of the bushes, making Mist faint. "Oh, dear…Well anyway, I came because Mist the idiot was taking too long in getting you two to come help us repair a roof that was blown a hole through by Shinon. You see, he found that awesome type of ale that Mist-I mean-umm…Rhys and I were concocting. You see Mi-I mean Rhys and I were bored and so we started trying to concoct a cool type of ale we could perhaps sell. Hey I think that rhymes! Well, anyway, we were working on it in my room and then Shinon barged into the room, probably because he was following the smell of the ale. And he-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT UP, PLEEEAAASE!!!!!! HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH HIS LONG EXPLANATION!!!!!!!" Ike screamed bloody murder.

Boyd blinked at him and then continued talking, "-took the ale, which is _very _alcoholic and he started chugging it down and…"

"Hey Ike," Greil whispered to his son, who was having a seizure and foaming at the mouth, "if you want Boyd to shut-up, then challenge him to a rubber chicken fight and if you win, I'll promote you to being a mercenary." Ike immediately perked up and skipped merrily over to Boyd.

"…Gatrie and Titania and I tried to stop him and-"

"Hey, Boyd!" Ike shouted in his ear.

"AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT AGAIN!!!!" Boyd yelled.

"Sorry Boyd. I just wanted to ask you if-"

"We can have a rubber chicken fight!" Boyd whooped and picked up his rubber chicken that was randomly and conveniently lying around on the ground nearby. Ike picked up Frederick and he and Boyd both took up their fighting stances. "All right! I'm ready for you! Let's go!" and after about one second Boyd said, "Hey! What's the holdup? Let's get started already."

"I'm coming. Wait right there!" Ike said and then he threw Frederick at Boyd.

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! You totally KO'd me!" Boyd cried as he fell down with many cuts and scrapes and bruises all over him. Just then Mist woke up and somehow knew everything that happened. "That-that wasn't too bad." Boyd actually complemented Ike.

"Boyd, you're such a loser." Mist teased him.

"Shut your trap!" Boyd retorted.

"Good work, Boyd. That's enough." said Greil.

"Oh, all right!" Boyd huffed.

"Your rubberchickenfightingmanship was decent enough, Ike. But you may as well forget how it felt. It won't always be this easy when it comes to sword fighting." Greil lectured Ike for the MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!!!!

"I know." Ike sagely replied.

"Now that you're done warming up, it's time for you to face me again."

"I was almost hoping you'd say that!" Ike giggled.

"But first…Mist!"

"Right here! Here you go, Ike! It's a vulnerary. I wouldn't recommend using it now, because you'll need it for when Father knocks you silly, like last time he knocked you silly for the MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!!!!"

"Umm…what she said…Now get ready, Ike. Here I come! Give it your all!"

"Okay!" Ike cheered and he started tap-dancing.

"IKE!!! Come on, boy! You going to give me a challenge this time around?" Greil irritably yelled.

"…" Ike was thinking very carefully: _Oh crapdamnfudgecakes! I seriously made an imbecile of myself! Umm…Umm…I have an Idea! _"Yeah, I know! Tap-dancing is part of my plan!" and so Ike continued to tap-dance. Greil shrugged his shoulders and charged at Ike. Ike then did a crazy back flip over Greil and hit his father's head in the process.

"Ungh…" Greil grunted as he fell over. He had a huge gash in his shoulder and his entire body became fatigued. But he healed himself with a vulnerary.

"Ike! You were great!" Mist praised her brother.

"Father, you were holding back, weren't you?" Ike said, completely ignoring Mist's question, which made her angry.

"What? Is that true?" she said, completely forgetting about Ike's rudeness, which made him confused.

"If you could tell the difference, that means you're improving."

"You know, I wasn't really giving it my all either…" Boyd unenthusiastically defended his pride.

"That is such a lie." Mist said.

"Bah." Boyd grunted.

"So, Father, does that mean you finally admit that I'm ready?" Ike begged Greil with puppy eyes.

"What, to join the company? To take on a job?"

"Yeah. I mean, Boyd's already out there on the battlefield. I'm ready. I'm tired of being a trainee."

"Listen, the difference between you and me is that I'm a professional." Boyd said.

"A professional who just got beat." Mist cunningly taunted Boyd.

"That was just random chance. Random chance."

"You've got a point, Ike…All right. Tomorrow will be your first day as a full-fledged mercenary." Greil said.

"Really?" Ike's face lit up.

"But! If you think it's too much, you're back to trainee status. You'd better work hard." Ike's father threatened him.

"No problem. Watch-I'll catch up to everyone in no time." Ike declared.

"We'll see. We'd better be heading back to the fort to fix the roof and give Shinon a good punishment for getting drunk while he was supposed to be finding the Golden Fleece for me." Greil said as he walked back to the mercenary fort followed by Ike, Mist, and Boyd.


	2. Chapter One: The Battle of Stupidity

Chapter One. The Battle of Stupidity Begins

Ike woke up at a time that he thought was early and got dressed. He walked casually and a tad nervously towards the meeting room where Greil had told him to go after he woke up. "Good morning Ike. Today's your first day as a professional soldier, isn't it?" Titania greeted.

"Yeah, and I'm ready to go." Ike replied.

"What you are is late. The others were suited up and ready at the break of dawn. You know, when you're a mercenary, you're not supposed to be an imbecile. You must be tough and smart. You must be agile and swift. You must be humble and honorable. You must be awesome and cool. You must be-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT UP, PLEEEEAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"Okay, okay! I guess you get my point!" Greil desperately calmed Ike down, "Just go and get yourself ready while I tell Titania the details of the mission."

"Okay!" and Ike went outside to be greeted by Boyd and Oscar.

"Hi there, Ike." Oscar shyly greeted.

"Hi." Ike replied.

"So Ike, you're coming with us on the next mission, right?" Boyd inquired.

"Yep." said Ike as he was feeding Frederick. "Frederick, come _on_! You never like eating chicken feed!"

"Um, Ike, you do know that those rubber chickens aren't alive, don't you?" Oscar said as he raised his eyebrow. Just then, Titania came out of the briefing room.

"Come on, Ike. Let's get you set up." she said as she mounted her horse.

"All right…My first job." Ike said.

"Captain Titania. Preparations are complete, and I'm ready to go." Oscar reported.

"Impeccable timing. It's nice to know we can nev-always count on you to be at the ready, Oscar." Titania replied.

"Don't forget about me! I'm ready for action!" Boyd piped up.

"Is that so, Boyd? That's a surprise."

"Ha! Not today it isn't. As of today, I am going to be the absolute model of perfection. I need to set a good example for Ike!"

"I'll… not take your word for it." Ike said.

"Your first campaign at last. I know you've wanted this for a while. Are you nervous, Ike?" Oscar asked.

"I think I was more nervous last night. I could hardly sleep. This morning, I'm feeling pretty good. It's the calm before the storm…What if a hurricane appears while we're in Caldea fighting off the bandits?"

"You should try to relax. You're not going to be out there alone." Oscar replied.

"Yeah, you're right. But you didn't answer my question."

Titania got impatient and said, "Right. Everyone ready? Let's go."

After a few hours of joking, arguing, and picking flowers among the way, the four mercenaries arrived at the nearby village of Caldea. "All right, let me explain what's going on…BOYD, STOP FIDDLING WITH THAT DAISY AND IKE, STOP TRYING TO FEED THAT STUPID RUBBER CHICKEN OF YOURS!!!!" Titania roared at them. Boyd let out a squeaky noise and threw the daisy as far as he could, though it didn't land very far… Ike panicked and started to hyperventilate. Oscar slapped Ike and Ike immediately stopped. Unfortunately, Titania's yelling let the bandits know of the whereabouts of the mercenaries and so a bunch of them came charging. Titania, Oscar, and Boyd quickly explained the rule of sword beating axe, and etcetera before the bandits began to attack. Titania immediately killed a bandit that was in her way. "I'll handle the bandits up here! You three need to clear up the rest of them!" she called behind her as she started to gallop towards another bandit.

"Ah!" Ike exclaimed as a bandit came charging at him.

"Die, ye scurvy scalawag!" the bandit cried as he brought down his axe in an attempt to split Ike's head in two.

"What did you say?" Ike asked as he blocked the attack and parried it.

"What did _ye _say?" the bandit replied as he swung his axe at Ike's left flank.

"What are _you _saying?" said Ike as he swung his sword to block the bandit's axe and lunged at him, "Listen, I don't understand pirate slang!" he exclaimed as the bandit jumped aside.

"Aaah! How did ye know that were pirates and not simple bandits...I mean, I don't understand ye!"

"It's obvious!" Ike shouted as he slashed at his enemy, "I mean, what the hell did you say?"

"What did _ye _say?" the bandit asked as he blocked the attack. Ike stabbed the bandit and this time his attack hit.

"Urgh…" The bandit put his hand on his bleeding stomach. Ike stomped on him to make the bleeding go faster, and then he stabbed the bandit again, killing him.

"ALL RIGHT!!! MY FIRST KILL!!!!!!!" Ike shouted. He looked around him to discern his surroundings: Boyd and a bandit/pirate were drinking ale and singing drinking songs and Oscar was taking the mission seriously and fighting with a bandit/pirate. Titania was battling with the leader of the bandits/pirates, but her horse lost control and started galloping around in anger because the bandit/pirate had called her a mule. Titania was yelling at her horse, which of course, made the horse even angrier. "Hmmm…Methinks I should kill that bandit for her, seeing as she's preoccupied at the moment and so are Boyd and Oscar." Ike thought out loud and so he ran over to the bandit/pirate leader. But now that he saw the leader up close, he could tell that the leader was a lot more powerful than him.

"Hey, yer nothing but a wee little lad. Well, every bilge rat needs a beating now and then. Are ye ready for it, ye landlubber?" The now confirmed, pirate leader said to Ike.

"Not today. If you want to run away, now's your chance." Ike coolly replied.

"Heh, heh, he. Avast, ye, a wee little lad is sassing me. Don't that beat all?"

"…What?" Ike still had trouble understanding pirate talk. But then the pirate captain named Sawana began to attack Ike. "Oh my gosh!" Ike panicked and started tap dancing.

The pirate captain was freaked out by this and started screaming, "OhmygoshohdearAsheraohmygoshyouneedtohelpmypleaseohshitI'mgonnadieohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and so the bandit died of wierded outness.

"OH YEAH!!!!!!!! I KILLED THE PIRATE LEADER!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed in triumph.

"Good job, Ike!" Oscar congratulated Ike. By this time, Boyd and Titania had cleared away the rest of the pirates and approached Ike and Oscar.

"That's the end of it. Ike, are you all right?" Titania said.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"You know, you surprised me. To think that an idiot like you could come so far." Titania replied.

"Wow, Titania. That's the first time you've ever given me a compliment!" And so all four of the mercenaries walked back to the fort in high spirits, singing campfire songs. In the woods nearby, a girl who looked a couple of years older than Mist watched the four mercenaries.

"Oh, goody," she said as she silently followed them, "this looks like my kind of mercenary band."


	3. Chapter Two: Rescuing the Idiots

Chapter Two. Rescuing the Idiots

Titania was loitering around the mercenary camp when Rhys approached her. "Oh, Titania. So this is where you've been, is it?"

"Rhys! Are you sure you're well enough to be up?"

"Yes. My fever's completely gone."

"Are you sure? You still look a bit unsteady on your feet if you ask me."

"Well, I've been in bed almost a week. I doubt anyone would be in top form-even you, my friend!"

"Yeah, well…" just then a creepy rich-looking guy came up to Titania and said,

"Ah! You are the red-tressed knight! I have a letter for _you_!" He gave Titania the parchment he was holding, showed a large smile with yellow and red teeth and pranced off.

"How curious… I wonder what it is." said Titania as she unfolded the paper.

"I imagine it's a thank-you letter from the people of Caldea or something to that effect."

"Oh, no! How dare they!?" Titania yelled after she read the letter.

"Titania? What's the matter? What does the letter say?"

"…Rhys! Take this letter to Oscar, and tell him to prepare for combat and wait for me! I have to go out for a moment."

"Uh, but, Titania?"

"I'll be right back! I'm counting on you!"

Rhys watched Titania mount her horse and gallop away and said out loud, "What on earth could that letter have said?" Rhys ran as fast as he could, reading the letter along the way. "Oomph!" he cried as he tripped over a rock. He scrambled up and saw Ike, Boyd, and Oscar hanging out in front of one of the buildings. "Everyone! Come quickly!"

"Hey, Rhys," said Boyd, "so how are you feeling?"

Oscar noticed the distressed expression on Rhys's face and asked him, "What is it? Why are you so agitated?"

"It's Mist and Rolf…They…They've been taken by bandits!"

"What?!?" Boyd shouted in Ike's ear.

"Shut up, Boyd! Anyway, what are you talking about, Rhys?!"

"The two of them went out early this morning to gather wildflowers… Sure, they're not back yet, but…" Oscar doubted.

"Earlier, this creep gave a letter to Titania and I and it said that they kidnapped Mist and Rolf! They're bandits!"

"Let me see it." Oscar demanded. Rhys gave him the paper and Oscar read it. "Hm. I get it. They're after revenge. They want retribution for the other day at that village…Caldea, was it? Hm. Taking children as hostages? What cowards!"

"Oscar, they're pirates, not bandits." Ike corrected.

"They're the same thing!" Oscar retorted.

"Oh well, I'm going to get Mist!" Ike replied.

"But… No!" Rhys cried as he grabbed Ike's shoulder.

"What!?" Ike rasped.

"Titania said she'd be right back. You're supposed to get ready and wait for her…"

"And do you honestly think we've got time to wait? I'm going!" And so Ike jerked away from Rhys's feeble grasp and dashed along the path into the woods.

"What do you think you're going to do on your own, rookie? Hold it! I'm going, too!" Boyd yelled and chased after Ike.

"Stop! Both of you! I… I'm going with you." Rhys started running after Ike and Boyd.

"Oh, c'mon! Wait! This is crazy! Do you think you can just ignore the deputy commander's orders? Oh, blast!" Oscar stood there undecidedly, then he mounted his horse and galloped after Ike, Boyd, and Rhys.

"The road forks here… Well, which way do we go?" Boyd looked at Ike.

"How am I supposed to know that?" he replied.

"Hold it! Are you saying you don't know where we're going? Unbelievable! You'd better learn to think before you act, you moron!" Boyd shouted.

"Shut your mouth, Boyd!" Ike retorted.

"You think you can make me? Come on!" Just then, Rhys and Oscar caught up with Ike and Boyd.

"B-both of you, this is no time to be fighting." Rhys panted.

"I figured we'd find you like this." Oscar rolled his eyes. Well, not that anyone could see that taking place.

"What are you two doing? So you're coming after all? It's not like you two chambermaids to be disobeying orders. What's the world coming to?!" Boyd yelled that last sentence at the sky.

"Oscar, you know this road, don't you? Which way do we go?" Ike asked.

"You're going to the bandits'-I mean-pirates' stronghold, right? It's the left fork."

"Got it!" and so Ike ran along the path on the right.

"Hey, you're going the wrong way, you scatterbrain!" Boyd yelled.

"Oops!" Ike ran over to the left path and continued along it. Boyd, Rhys, and Oscar followed Ike.

They arrived at the pirate lair, and their leader, Ikanau, yelled at them all the way from the other side the mountain, "So you came, did you, boys? Is it just you, then? You came alone? You seriously underestimate what we're capable of doing to you. Now, where's that snobby, red-haired wench you ride with?"

"Titania's not here. It's just us. And aren't you pirates?" Ike yelled back.

"No. The people you defeated were pirates. We're bandits."

"Okay! So are Mist and Rolf safe?"

"Yeah, of course. We've got 'em locked up safe and sound in that little shack back here. We got no problem with those brats. What we're after is a little revenge. We want the redhead and her pups. And that'd be you boys."

"Then hurry up and let those two go! We're here, aren't we? You've got no more reason to hold them." Boyd yelled.

"You're here, but Red ain't. We'll just keep the brats until she arrives."

"Dang it!" Boyd was getting annoyed.

"If you're so impatient, I guess we can start by killing you whelps. You all ready to die? Hey! Come on out! It's time to play, lads!" And then a bunch of bandits leapt out of the woods.

"There…There are so many… But…we must not lose!" Rhys said.

"Rhys, move to the rear! If anyone gets injured, we'll need you on hand with your staff." Oscar lectured.

"Understood!" Rhys replied.

"Take 'em, lads! Without the red-haired knight, they're no match for us!" said Ikanau.

"But there is a red-haired person with them! The guy with a staff!" replied one of the bandits.

"Do you think he's the same one I'm talking about!?"

"…No."

"Then shut-up! Now let's slaughter these weaklings!"

"What'd you say, dirtbag?" Boyd yelled.

"We'll make you regret those words!" Ike also yelled. And so the battle of rescuing the two little idiots began.

Meanwhile, said two little idiots were sitting in the tiny shack with another bandit who was guarding them. All of them were deathly silent. "Yup." said Mist.

"Yup." said Rolf.

"Yup." said the bandit.

"Mmhm." said a cockroach.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S A TASTY-LOOKING COCKROACH!!! Do you know what this means, Rolf?" Mist exclaimed.

"NO MORE STARVING!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT!!!!" Rolf replied as he and Mist started trying to catch the speedy little son of a-

"HEY!!! I GET SOME THE COCKROACH, TOO!!!!" The bandit hollered and joined the chase. The roach scuttled under a shelf and all three of the dull-witted Beorc crashed into it, making a lot of glass jars fall on them.

"OUCH!!!" grunted Mist.

"OWIE!!!" grunted Rolf.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the bandit screamed bloody murder even though he took less damage than Mist and Rolf. Outside, Ikanau heard the yelling and crashing and shattering noises.

_What in the hell? _he thought.

While this chaos was going on; Ike, Boyd, Rhys, and Oscar were struggling with the bandits that they were facing. There were just too many of them. And that's when a red-headed girl who looked a couple of years older than Mist and Rolf leapt out of the woods with a blue Scottish long sword in her right hand. "HEY, BANDITS!!!!!" she hollered.

All of the bandits who heard her stopped what they were doing and turned around to look at her. Her hair was red, but not red like Titania's hair. It was the ginger type of red hair but the bandits didn't seem to care. When they saw her, they all started screaming: "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S THE RED-HAIRED KNIGHT!!!!"

"OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!"

"OH SHITFUCKI'MGONNADIE!!!!!!!!"

"OHNOOHNOOHNOOH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!" AND SO THE BANDITS-I mean-And so the bandits ran as fast as they could run, screaming bloody murder all the way. Ike, Boyd, Rhys, and Oscar stood there awkwardly; staring at the strange girl.

"Just what are you all staring at? You all should be thanking me for saving your skins, you know!" She sheathed her sword and put her hands on her hips.

"Well, um, thank you very much. My name is Ike of the Greil Mercenaries. This is Oscar, Boyd, and Rhys."

"My name is Lenora. I saw you all fighting those pirates back in Caldea. I've been following you all and I think I want to join your totally cool band."

"Really? Well, you'd better talk to my father. He's Greil, the one who is the leader of the Mercenaries." Just then, Titania came riding towards them.

"Hey, what's going on? Did you defeat those bandits already?"

"We sort of did," Ike explained, "just now Lenora here came and saved us by scaring them away because she made them think that she was you. She wants to join us."

Titania chuckled and said, "Well, it's good to know that Mist and Rolf are now safe, and that we have a new recruit. Hello, Lenora. I am Titania, and I welcome you to the Greil Mercenaries. But what you four boys did was in direct defiance of the orders I explicitly gave you. How it all turned out is another issue altogether."

"Accept our apologies." Rhys was ashamed.

"Deputy Commander, I take full responsibility. The failure is mine…"said Oscar.

"Oscar, Rhys... What am I supposed to do with you two? Sigh… I think I'll leave you two to the commander. He'll know how to handle you, I'm sure." Titania replied. Just then; Mist, Rolf, Gatrie, and Shinon came around the small mountain.

"HI!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist and Rolf both yelled.

"Hi, Mist!" Ike replied.

"Hi, Rolf!" Oscar and Boyd greeted.

"Hold on, what are you doing here, Shinon and Gatrie?" Ike inquired.

"I called these two for reinforcements." said Titania.

"So you two saved Mist and Rolf?" Ike asked.

"Pah. All I did was scare the stupid bandit that was in the shack with the fact that I had red hair. No one else was anywhere nearby."

"And all I…did…was…sweat… That…was h-hard…work…" Gatrie exhaustedly complained.

"Brother!" exclaimed Mist as she hugged him.

"Mist…you did well. Were you scared?"

"Nope! Neither was Rolf! We had a lot of fun chasing that _very _tasty-looking cockroach with that cool bandit!"

"And we didn't catch it, either…" Rolf whined.

"Hey, no crying!" Boyd patted Rolf on the back.

"Okay!" Rolf's face lit up.

"Hey!" shouted Ike, "_I'm _the only one who's allowed to exclaim 'Okay!' in that stupid-sounding voice!"

"Sorry!" Rolf squeaked.

"So who's this girl?" Gatrie asked as he pointed at Lenora.

"I'm Lenora, a new recruit!"

"Say, Lenora."

"Yes, Ike?"

"That mark on your forehead reminds me of the mark on my best friend's forehead."

"…Really?"

"Yes. But the symbol is slightly different. I asked my friend, whose name is Soren about it. He said that it's a spirit charmer's mark. A spirit charmer convinces a spirit to enter their body and lend them power for a price. Soren said that that's what he is because he's a mage. You don't use magic as well as a sword, do you?"

"Yep! But it's not what you'd expect. I got a spirit to enchant my sword instead of lending me power. My sword can use spells of water and ice. I can freeze things, create a wave of water, you name it."

"That's mighty impressive!" said Gatrie.

Titania then said, "All right, come on! Let's head for home. My goodness… What a day this has been."

"Okay!" said Ike as he and the rest of the mercenaries followed Titania to the mercenary camp.


	4. Chapter Three: Pirates Again

Chapter Three. Pirates Again

"So you want to join us?" Greil said to Lenora.

"Yep, I don't have anywhere else to go and I'm good at sword fighting and at using the spells of my sword."

"All right, then. You're in."

"Really?"

"Yes. We could use another addition to our band. Welcome, Lenora, to the Greil Mercenaries."

"Ha-ha. Cool. So now I'm a mercenary…"

"'So now I'm a mercenary'?"

"Well, I've drifted all over the place, but I've never been quite satisfied. Don't ask me why. I've been an assassin, a messenger, a freelancer. I sure hope I'll find mercenary life satisfying."

"Well, what is it that you seek in life?"

"Umm…that's personal."

"All right. Mist."

"Yeah, Dad?" Mist got up from the chair that she was sitting in.

"Take Lenora to one of the spare bedrooms."

"Okay. Follow me, Lenora." said Mist as she led Lenora out of the briefing room. Ike, Boyd, Oscar, and Rhys were waiting outside. "Dad's ready to talk to you all." she said to them. All four of the mercenaries nervously entered the room and Ike was hyperventilating. "I hope he doesn't punish them too severely. After all, they just wanted to save Rolf and I from those bandits." and so Mist and Lenora conversed as Mist led Lenora to her room. "Here it is," she said, "it's right next to Rhys's room. And the one across from your room is Ike's and Soren's room."

"Okay. Thank you, Mist."

"You're welcome. I'll leave you to be settled into your room."

"All right. I'll see you later." Lenora watched Mist leave down the hallway and then she opened the heavy oaken door. Her bed was in the northwest corner of the room. And in the northeast corner was a writing desk with a window above it. The window had closed wooden shutters so she couldn't see what was outside. There was a dresser in the southeast corner of the room and a shelf in the southwest corner. Lenora put her bag on her bed and began to unpack her things. Ten minutes later she opened the window and saw Ike, Gatrie, and Shinon standing outside of the building next to the briefing room. "Hello!" she called to them.

"Hi, Lenora! We're about to go on a mission. Titania went to go get you."

"Okay. I'll just wait for her, then!" Lenora closed the window and crouched down next to the door. Just then, someone knocked on it. "Come in!" she merrily said. Titania opened the door and Lenora jumped up and screamed, "BLAAAAAHHHHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

"AH!!!" Titania yelled and punched Lenora.

"Ouch!"

"Oh, no! Lenora, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine… At least I got you to scream!"

"Sigh… Looks like we have another cheerful addition to the band. Well, I came here to tell you that we're going on a mission."

"Already? So what's the mission?"

"We need to drive out a gang of pirates at Port Talma."

"Okay." Lenora followed Titania out to where Ike, Shinon, and Gatrie were waiting.

"What happened? I heard yelling." queried Gatrie.

"Lenora is a prankster." Titania simply replied.

"I jumped and screamed when Titania opened the door and she punched me." said Lenora.

"Ha! That's what you get for being an idiot like Boyd." said Shinon.

"Let's get going." Titania said as she got onto her horse.

The five mercenaries neared Port Talma and an elderly man approached them. "Greetings," said Titania, "we are of the Greil Mercenaries and we've come to rid you of those pirates. That's the pirate ship in question, isn't it?"

"Aye. They sailed into port a few days ago and have been causing trouble ever since. I pray that you and your companions can drive them away. Umm… Why is there a child with you?"

"What'd you say, old man?" Lenora retorted.

"Lenora!" Titania sternly said.

"What?"

"No."

"Urgh. Okay, I'll shut-up."

"Don't underestimate Lenora. She is skilled for her age and we will all do what we can to defeat these pirates." The old man nodded in response and went inside his house.

"Feathering sea scum is like shooting apples off a tree. Let's do the job and get out of here." said Shinon.

"Ho, Deputy Commander! You want standard thunder and lightning maneuvers here?" asked Gatrie.

"Er… Thunder and lightning?" Ike asked.

"Yeah! I crash into 'em like thunder, and Shinon rains arrows down on 'em like lightning!"

"Sounds good." said Titania.

"All right, then! Let's get this party started!" Lenora said, then she drew her sword and charged at the pirates.

"Whoa, hold up!" exclaimed Ike as he grabbed Lenora's arm.

"Hey, what's the big deal?"

"We need to wait for Titania's orders."

"Oh… Sorry, it's just I'm not used to taking orders-but I'll remember to next time."

"Good. Okay, this is our strategy," Titania was saying, "Gatrie and Shinon with go first…and you will go with them, Lenora. Ike, you and I will go in second. Hurry, you three. About two pirates are coming this way."

"Right!" said Gatrie as he, Shinon, and Lenora met the two pirates.

"Ike, when they kill those two, we'll go and fight, too."

"Okay!" After about a half an hour, the mercenaries and the pirates that were in the port were scattered. Ike was still near the entrance of the town, and a pirate that was too powerful for him was chasing him around. So Ike yelled, "Hey! Look at that giant white bird!" He yelled as he pointed at a pink-haired pegasus rider who flew at the pirate ship. The stupid pirate stared at the pegasus rider, giving Ike the chance to escape into the nearest building without him noticing. Ike came across a man with long, wavy, silver-blue hair.

"You're a pirate, aren't you?"

"No! No, I'm not! Don't look at me like that!!!" Ike shrieked.

"You _are _a pirate, _aren't _you?"

"No I'm not, you creep!"

"…Creep? Did you just call me a creep?"

"I sure did!"

"You little mutha-"

"OH MY GOSH A PIRATE GOT INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!" a villager who entered the room screamed. "You know what, take this!" and he threw a bottle of elixir at Ike's head.

"Ouch!" Ike caught the bottle and put it in his purse-I mean-little bag that was on his belt. "Ha-ha! Suckers!" Ike ran out of the house with his loot.

Meanwhile, Lenora and Gatrie were battling an especially tough pirate. "Arghh! Die, already, will ya?!" Lenora fired a volley of ice blades at the pirate.

"Avast! A sea wench!" The pirate rasped as he dodged all of the ice blades except for one.

"What did you say?" Lenora asked him.

"What did _ye_ say, ye scurvy wench?"

"What!?"

Gatrie sighed and said, "Lenora, he's calling you a stupid girl and Pirate, she's askin' what ye said to 'er!"

"Oh! _Now _I get it!" said Lenora.

"Aye! _Now_ I be understandin' the wench!" said the pirate. Just then Titania came galloping over to them.

"Don't worry!" she said, "I'll help you two out!"

"And so will Frederick!" Exclaimed Ike as he climbed over the roof with Frederick in his hand.

"IKE!!!" Titania thundered.

"What!?"

"YOU CRAP-DAMNED IDIOT, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BRINGING THAT STUPID THING WITH YOU!!!!! IF YOU BRING FREDRICK-I mean- THAT STUPID RUBBER CHICKEN WITH YOU ON A MISSION _ONE MORE TIME _I WILL GNAW YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW PUT THAT STUPID THING DOWN AND HELP SHINON!!!!!!!!"

"Okay!" And so Ike threw Frederick at Shinon and started tap-dancing.

"IKE, YOU IMBECILE!!!" Shinon shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK DO THINK A RUBBER CHICKEN IS GOING TO DO FOR ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike was still tap-dancing and Titania went to go help Shinon fight off the enemies that were ganging up on him. By this time, the pink-haired girl had taken interest in the wacky group of mercenaries and flew up to the one she decided was the wackiest one in the group: Ike.

"Hey, handsome tap-dancer!" she greeted.

"Handsome? You called me handsome?...! HEY GATRIE I TOLD YOU THAT THERE ARE GIRLS THAT THINK I'M MORE HANDSOME AND PRETTIER THAN YOU ARE!!! YOU OWE ME TWO THOUSAND GOLD!!!!!"

The pink-haired pegasus knight laughed and said, "Hey, handsome, what's your name?"

"Ike of Greil Mercenaries. What's yours?"

"Marcia. I'll help your group clear out these stupid boat-monkeys for ya!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay!" and Ike kept on tap-dancing. Meanwhile, Lenora and Gatrie were still having trouble with fighting off that strong pirate. Then, Marcia made her pegasus charge into the pirate and push him into the water. Now that he was slower, Lenora was able to shoot ice blades that hit, and killed her target.

"All right! I've finally killed that stupid scalawag!... Oh, no! I think I be startin' to talk like a pirate!" she cried.

"Come on, Lenora!" said Gatrie, "Let's clear up the rest of these pirates."

"Aye-aye! I mean, all right!"

"I'll fly ahead and help kill the boat-monkeys that are still on the ship!" said Marcia as she flew up to assist Titania and Shinon. Gatrie and Lenora soon caught up with them. Eventually, Ike went onto the ship as well. Soon, the battle was over. The mercenaries went to the elderly man's house.

When the man answered the door, Titania said, "We've driven off all the pirates. Your people will suffer no more indignities at their hands."

"Oh! That is joyful news! Here is your pay, as promised." The elder handed Titania a huge bag of money.

"Thank you very much. And if you find yourself in need again, do not hesitate to send word."

"Of course, of course. All of you put on a most marvelous show-such combat skills! To be honest, I was expecting Commander Greil to be here today. When I saw just you, nothing more than, no offense, a band of children… And some of them were goofing off… Well, I will admit to being a tad nervous!"

"What did you say, old man?" Lenora and Ike said at the same time. They both shot each other an evil gaze.

"I apologize for bringing an idiotic subordinate. Unfortunately, Commander Greil had other pressing matters to attend to."

"Oh, no. Don't apologize. There's no need. After all, you got rid of those brigands, and you did it impeccably quirky, but well!"

"It's a fine compliment you paw, sir, but it was our pleasure."

"As a matter of fact, you're more than good enough to be in the royal army if you so desired. Especially your Commander Greil. He's far and away better than most any general I've seen hereabouts. Er… What I mean to say is… Don't you think running off pirates is a bit… beneath you?"

"That's not-"

"Don't get me wrong, now. you certainly helped all of us simple folk out. Even so, it seems to me the proper place for you and your Commander Greil is in the service of the Crimean throne! Well, that's what this old man thinks."

"We-and Commander Greil- are quite satisfied with the work we do now."

"You've nary a selfish bone among you. Well, then, rest assured we'll speak again if any problems arise. Thank you again." and so the elderly man walked back into his house.

"Hmm…"

"Titania? Is something amiss?" Ike wondered.

"No, of course not. Our mission is complete, and that's all that matters. You did well today, every one of you. So are you a pegasus knight of Begnion?" Titania asked Marcia.

"Yeah, but I'm currently on a…search and rescue mission. Gotta go! Bye, everyone!"

"Bye!" everyone said and watched Marcia fly off.

"Pah! jobs like this barely make a dent in my incurable boredom! It's like that old buzzard said, there's better work out there. Something with a bit of challenge."

"Shinon!" Titania yelled.

"I'm joking. J-O-K-ing."

"Come, Titania. Be honest. Don't you find the work we do a bit… disheartening? Unglamorous?" Gatrie suggested.

"What? You, Gatrie? What's gotten into you?"

"Please! Look, we're not a band of money-hungry recruits. We're professionals, and we're very good at what we do. Shinon and I have discussed this at length. All of this mundane mercenary work is unworthy of us. We're wasting our talents."

"I see. You're telling me that you think Commander Greil is mismanaging us. Do I have that right?"

"Wha! Hold it right there! That's not what I'm saying at all!"

"What is it, Titania?" Ike said out of the blue.

"Ike, shut it." Titania simply replied.

"Okay!"

Titania resumed the argument, "Look, we do good work, and we help people. I want you to be proud of that. I felt like you were saying work that doesn't bring fame or fortune isn't worth doing, that's all. Sorry."

As Titania, Gatrie, and Shinon were arguing, Lenora started to zone out: _Pancakes…elm tree…my sword…Ike's looking at the flowers…I had no idea he likes flowers…rubber chickens are stupid…quill…my room in my new home…the songbirds…………………CAJUN SEAFOOD WITH METAL SHARDS AND ONIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _she thought.

"Hey, Lenora! Hurry up! We're going to leave you behind if you don't catch up to us!" Ike called behind him.

"Ah! Wait up, you guys!" Lenora ran to catch up with Ike, Titania, Gatrie, and Shinon.


	5. Chapter Four: Roadside Dodge the Beer

Chapter Four. Roadside 'Dodge the Beer Bottles'

**WARNING!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW A MAJOR SPOILER ABOUT SOREN!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Lenora was in the woods sitting next to the path. She could still see the mercenary camp so she wasn't too far away. She felt tranquil, listening to the sound of the songbirds and the bugs chirping. _I hope I don't have to go on any missions today. It's such a wonderful day… _Lenora thought as she started falling asleep. Then she heard rapid footsteps. She saw a boy who looked a little bit older than her and wearing all black robes charging along the path. She forgot that her leg was in the way and all she did was stare at him. The boy obviously didn't notice her leg because he tripped over it.

"Augh!" He grunted and let go of the magic tome that he had clutched in his hands. It went flying into the bushes. "Blast!" The boy got up and narrowed his eyes in annoyance at Lenora. But he suddenly looked curious and a little bit shocked.

"…What are you looking at? Do you like me or what?" Lenora put her hands on her hips.

"That mark on your forehead…" the boy trailed off. The expression on his face was too desperate to sound like a spirit charmer was asking the question.

"Tell me something, mage. Are you a spirit charmer or a Branded?"

"…Uh…"

"You can tell me. Let me just tell you my viewpoints on the three sentient races of this world: I think that Laguz are cool. Branded are okay. Hu-Beorc are okay, but a little pathetic. So what are you? A Branded or a Beorc? If you tell me what you are, I'll tell you what I am."

"…I…" the boy looked around him as if making sure that no one was around. He then whispered, "I am a Branded. Fortunately I was taught how to use magic so that I could disguise myself as a spirit charmer. So tell me what you are."

"A Branded. A Raven one."

"You know your heritage?"

"Yeah. Hold on, we haven't introduced each other, have we? My name is Lenora. What's yours?"

"Soren. Soren of Greil Mercenaries. Our camp is nearby."

"I joined you all recently."

"Did you? Well…welcome. But how come… We'll find more time to talk later, I have important news. Come on!" and so Soren and Lenora ran as fast as they could toward the mercenary camp. Mist and Rolf were hanging out outside when they saw Lenora and Soren show up.

"Soren? What are you doing here?" Mist asked.

"Where's Greil?" Soren demanded.

"H-he's in the mess hall."

"All right." Soren said as he and Lenora headed for the mess hall.

"I wonder why he's back so soon." Rolf wondered.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that Ike will want to know this. I'm going to go tell him." said Mist as she went to Ike's room, where he probably was.

Meanwhile, Lenora and Soren were discussing the news with Greil and Titania. Ike came in and Greil said to go into the briefing room. "Hey! What's going on around here?"

"Bad news. Something big is happening, and we need to formulate a plan of action."

"Soren!"

"Hello, Ike. Long time, no see."

"I'm happy to see you're back. but what happened? I thought you were going to be studying for a while longer."

"It's a long story…"

"What's the hold up? Get over here now!" Greil had come back into the mess hall.

"Let's go. I'll fill you in later." said Soren as he, Lenora, and Ike followed Greil into the briefing room.

"You probably remember that Soren's been training with another mercenary group. Well, he's back now. And he has some unbelievable news." said Greil when everyone was in the room.

"What news is that?" Ike wondered.

"It's Crimea and Dæin. They've gone to war." Soren replied.

"War?! It… It can't be!" Mist doubted.

"That's why I've called everyone here. Soren has some information. Go ahead, Soren."

"All right. So I was studying in the royal library of Crimea when there was the roar of a monster or something. Everyone ignored it and paid attention to the tremor in the earth. So we thought it was an earthquake. And then a bunch of people in black armour started charging everywhere and killing all who didn't own a rubber chicken. And so then-"

"Okay, I have a plan!" Lenora exclaimed.

"Really, now?" said Shinon.

"Shut up and listen. If the Dæin army comes, we can show them the rubber chickens that we have, and they'll leave us alone!"

"But I left Frederick behind at port Talma because a pirate took him hostage!" Ike started crying.

"Okay…don't we have anymore rubber chickens?"

"Mine fell off of a mountain!" whined Rolf.

"Mine blew up!" shouted Boyd.

"Mine died of sweet talon!" said Oscar

"Mine drowned!" exclaimed Mist.

"Mine ate itself!" yelled Gatrie.

"Mine was stolen!" sobbed Shinon.

"Mine and the one that I stole both committed suicide!" shrieked Rhys.

"Mine ran away!" said Greil.

"Mine saw Ike tap-dancing and died!" cried Soren.

"Mine saw King Ashnard tap-dancing and died!" Titania screamed.

"…Crap." said Lenora. And so then everyone started arguing about how to deal with the war.

"We should tap-dance in front of them!"

"We should scream bloody murder!"

"We. Must. Eradicate. Them. All!"

"Give them cupcakes!"

"Shut up, Mist, you moron, you!"

"Steal _their _rubber chickens!"

"Convince Ashnard to tap-dance or ballet-dance in front of them!"

"We should kill all of the scurvy scalawags!"

"ALL OF YOU NEED TO SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!" Greil screeched. "Here's my plan! Ike will lead a scouting party to see how much damage the capital, Melior, has taken. Titania will accompany you as an advisor."

"Commander, you must be joking! He's just a boy, and he's had barely more than a taste of battle. What do you expect a whelp like him to accomplish?"

"Ah, Shinon. Since you're so concerned, you can go as well."

"Wait, that's not what I… Blast."

"Who else… Gatrie, Lenora, Rhys, and Soren. That should do."

"Father, wait… Why do you want me-"

"That was an order. Get moving. There's no time to waste."

"Yes, sir."

"Titania, I'm going out for a bit. I want you to give Ike some direction."

"Understood."

As everyone was getting ready, Lenora and Soren had time to talk in private. "So did you know your parents, Lenora?"

"Long enough to remember that my father was a Raven. He father was killed by Humans and my mother left me to be raised by my Beorc uncle. She killed herself."

"…I am sorry. I have no memory of my parents. A woman who wasn't blood-related was disgusted of me and wanted nothing to do with me. When I was about…four years old she gave me to a dying sage who gave me rigorous training in magic. He didn't treat me very nicely either, but he was still better than that woman. The only reason he took me in was that he thought I was a spirit charmer."

"At such a young age?"

"Yes. And when he died I was starving until Ike found me. He's the only reason why I'm still alive."

"…Soren, I'm sorry. That's a horrid past to tell."

"And how come everyone treats you equally even though they know you're a Branded?"

"They don't. They also think I'm a spirit charmer. I told them that a spirit made my sword be able to use water and ice spells. But that's not true. My sword possesses an unusual type of magic because it's from a different world. You know Brædon, the guy who runs the black market and sold Greil those rubber chickens? He came from a different world. He can travel through time, and between different worlds."

"How?"

"I don't really know. He wouldn't tell me. I guess it's just part of his magic skill. So that's how I got the sword. We're really good friends so he gave this awesome sword to me for free."

"You're a showoff."

"Hm? How so?"

"You openly show everyone that you posses a sword of awesome might. People will want to steal it, you know."

"No they won't, because when they see the mark on my forehead they'll know that I'm a spirit charmer and then they'll know that the sword will be useless for them. But all you need in order to use the sword's magic is basic magic skill. You could use it's magic if you wanted to."

"I've never met another Branded before. Have you?"

"Once. I don't know where he is, now."

"Do you know where your uncle is?"

"Dead. He was killed when I was fifteen, three years ago. Ever since then I've been a drifter, looking for someone who was also a Branded. Someone I could really trust. The Branded named Gareth is a Cat Branded. We met when I was sixteen. But we were separated when a bunch of Humans found out what we were. We were never able to find each other… I hope he's still alive…"

"… Hey I think everyone is getting ready to go now."

"How do you know?"

"We've been talking for a while. I expect they're ready by now."

"Okay, then." so Soren unlocked the door to his room and he and Lenora headed for the outside area of the mercenary camp.

"I expect you two were talking about magic, weren't you?" Ike said as the two Branded approached him and the rest of the scouting party.

"Aww, Soren's got a girlfriend."

"Shut-up, Shinon." growled Lenora.

"The two spirit charmers do make a cute couple." laughed Gatrie.

"Shut it!"

"Well, I'm assuming we're all ready," said Ike, "Greil Mercenaries, move out!" And so; Ike, Titania, Gatrie, Shinon, Soren, Lenora, and Rhys set out for Melior. A couple of days later, they arrived at the outskirts of the capital. Lenora and Shinon were looking around in one area, Gatrie in another; and Ike, Soren, Titania, and Rhys were discussing something in another area.

Then Gatrie yelled, "We've got Daein soldiers moving in on our location! And they don't look happy!"

A bunch of soldiers and their general, Maijin, came into view. "You there! Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"We're no one you need-" Titania was cut off by Maijin,

"You're armed! Heed me! Drop your weapons and surrender! Act quickly, or else!"

"Listen to me, fool," said, Shinon, "You're making a mistake. We're not…"

"Ah, not going to cooperate, eh? Ready your weapons, men! Move in and kill them all!"

"Tsk! Headstrong fools!" spat Titania.

"Getting caught up in some skirmish is not part of the plan… We need to think of-"

"Oh shut-up, Soren! It's too late for that as you can see! Now we have no choice but to attack them!" Lenora said as she drew her long sword.

"She's right. Greil Mercenaries! Get ready to fight!" shouted Ike as he drew his sword as well.

"All right, Ike. Let's see how you handle the role of captain. Well? What are your orders, boy? We'll do what you say, so long as you hurry up and spit it out!" Shinon said.

"I know, I know! Give me a moment, will you, Shinon?"

"Bah. Useless! We'd be better led with Mist than this soft, untested whelp."

"Let's see… We're in the middle of the road, and there's not much cover. Soren and Rhys are vulnerable, so we have to protect them from enemy attacks… Right?"

"Well, no _durr_! Shut up and pay attention! The enemies are coming right at us!" Cried Lenora as she shot a few ice blades at the Daein soldiers. She managed to mortally wound one of them.

"Titania, Lenora, Gatrie, and Shinon! We need to form a wall around Soren and Rhys!" said Ike. Everyone was battling for a while when suddenly a weird Beorc with a bag that was HUGE with who-knows-what in it came into view. He heaved the bag off of his back and set it on the ground.

"HEEEEEEEY, EVERYONE!!!!!!" He shouted, "Let's have a throw beer bottles at each other fight!"

"Explain the rules!" Ike and Maijin yelled at the same time. They both shot each other an evil gaze.

"If you're hit by a beer bottle, you're out!" And then the strange Beorc got the empty beer bottles out of his bag and he gave each team an equal amount of bottles. The mercenaries and the Daein soldiers were each on one side of the clearing, using Titania's horse as a boundary line. "And if you hit Titania's horse, you're out!"

"Okay!" said Ike and the game began. Lenora picked up a beer bottle and threw it. It hit a soldier and shattered on impact. "AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed as he had cuts everywhere on his torso.

"Yeeeer out!" yelled the strange Beorc. Another Daein soldier hurled a beer bottle in Shinon's direction, but it hit Titania's horse. The horse whinnied in rage and ran over to the soldier.

"Eh? What is it?" the soldier dumbly asked before the horse faced away from him and kicked him into the forest with her hind legs.

"Yeeeer out!" the strange Beorc yelled again. Then Ike had an idea.

"Hey Daein soldiers check this out!!!!!" and he got out Frederick from his bag.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Lenora, Gatrie, Shinon, Rhys, Soren, and Titania screamed bloody murder.

"IKE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO BRING FREDERICK WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?! How did you even get him back?!" Titania hollered.

"The elder of Port Talma sent him to me!"

"Ike, remember that I told you I would gnaw your head off if you brought Frederick with you on a mission one more time?"

"But Frederick's going to save us!"

"I DON'T CARE!!! THAT DAMNED RUBBER CHICKEN IS GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed as Titania started chasing him.

"Hey! Captain they've got a rubber chicken with them! Should we let them go?"

"Yeah. We've no choice. Retreat, everyone!" And so Maijin and his soldiers fled the scene.

"See, Titania? I _told _you that Frederick would save us!"

"Oh, all _right_. I'll make an exception this time. But if you take Frederick with you just to be a moron, I will gnaw your head off."

"Okay!"

"Aw, _man_ the game is already over!" the strange Beorc moped as he started picking up the empty beer bottles.

"You know, chasing those Daein soldiers may have been a bad move." said Gatrie.

"Oh, what_ever_, Gatrie. Now that they know we have a rubber chicken with us, they won't want to get anywhere near us." said Lenora.

"Come on, mercenaries. Let's go home." said Ike.

"Yeah." said Soren.

"Wait! Ike, I just saw something move on the far side of that thicket!" Rhys exclaimed.

"A wounded soldier, perhaps? Let's go have a look. Careful, now." replied Ike.

"Oh, no…" said Rhys as the mercenaries were searching around in the woods.

"Did you find anything, Rhys?" Ike queried.

"…It's a woman…"

"What? It's as if you've never seen one before?" said Lenora

"No, it's that she's not wearing fighting clothes. With that bright orange dress that's hurting my eyes, she's obviously not a fighter."

"Leave her," said Soren, "we shouldn't get involved in matters that don't concern us."

"How could you be so insensitive, Soren?" asked Titania.

"Yeah, Soren, how would you feel if _you_ were abandoned by someone who could have saved you?" Lenora scolded. Soren bit his tongue and watched Ike pick up the woman.

"Oooh…" she moaned before becoming unconscious again.

"Thank goodness… It looks like she's merely fainted." Rhys was saying.

"Right. We'd better take her with us for now and make sure she's all right." said Ike.

"…I don't like this…"

"Oh, give it a rest, Soren." said Lenora.


	6. Chapter Five: Frederick's Flight

**Yeah, this is a short chapter…**

Chapter Five. Frederick's Flight

It was the next morning and Ike and Greil were relaxing in the outside area of the mercenary camp when Mist came running out of one of the buildings, "Father! Brother! It's that lady Ike rescued… SHE'S ALIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!! MUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Calm down, Mist!" said Ike.

"Come on. Let's greet our guest." Greil said as Ike and Mist followed him into a spare bedroom where she was put.

"Well, it looks like Greil, Ike, and Mist will talk to that woman." Soren was saying as he and Lenora watched the three Beorc go inside.

"She's probably just a citizen of Melior who was trying to run away. So for twenty-one years you've just not been living a very good life? That's…I'm so sorry."

"…I'm fine."

"No you're not, Soren. You've carried the pain of keeping your secret inside and knowing the faults of the humans. And having to act as if you're one of them."

"Lenora, stop talking about this so openly!" Soren sounded panicked.

"…Soren… just know that you're no longer alone. And you know; you can trust Ike, Mist, Greil, and Titania. You should be able to tell just by looking at them that they're too honorable to shun…people like us."

"I can't, Lenora. I'm too…afraid."

"I'm not. But don't worry. I won't tell any of them about either of us."

"Thank you, Lenora." Just then, Greil, Ike, Mist, and the strange woman came out of the building. Ike went over to Lenora and Soren.

"Hey, you two."

"Yeah?" asked Lenora.

"That woman is actually Princess Elincia of Crimea."

"WHAT?!" Lenora shouted.

"But there is no such thing." Soren said.

"Her family kept it a secret to avoid a blood fued."

"A wise decision." said Soren.

"We need to go into the meeting room."

Then, Rolf came running and said, "We've got trouble! There are soldiers! A lot of them!"

"What?!" Ike was outraged. Soon everyone was in the briefing room.

"Is everyone here?" asked Greil.

"Yes." Titania replied.

"Commander, what are the Daein dogs saying?" Shinon inquired.

"'Turn over Princess Crimea and leave the area immediately. Comply now, or we will attack.' Pretty straightforward."

"What are we going to do?" Gatrie asked.

"DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Shut up Mist, you moron, you!" Ike yelled.

"EVERYBODY SHUT-UP AND VOTE ON WHOSE SIDE WE WILL TAKE!!!!" Shouted Greil, "Now raise your hand if you want to hand Elincia over." Soren and Shinon raised their hands. "I see. I think I know where you all stand… Well then, here's my decision. We escort the princess to Gallia."

"…Tsk." said Shinon while Soren didn't say anything.

"…Are you sure that's for the best, Father?" Ike asked.

"Yes. Besides, I think the choice has been taken out of our hands."

"What?"

"Open your ears and listen. Listen! All of you."

"Huh? ...What is it?" Boyd wondered.

"Uh… I don't hear a thing…" Gatrie said.

"Idiot! That's the problem. Don't you think that's a bit odd? Complete silence, in all four directions." said Shinon.

"Oh, so that's what you're talking about!" Gatrie exclaimed.

Then Oscar said, "Not only are the animals quiet, but the bugs are silent, too. And that is unnatural beyond belief. Which means…"

"We're surrounded. The soldiers aren't waiting for an answer. They already decided to attack." said Ike.

"It would appear they had no intention of keeping their side of the proposed bargain." said Titania.

"They were planning on lulling us into a false sense of security and destroying every one of us." said Soren.

"OH DEAR ASHERA WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Mist.

"Shut-up, Mist! We can still win because of Frederick!" Ike reassured her.

"Yes, you have a point, Ike. You should go and see if they leave because of the rubber chicken. Now go." said Greil.

"Okay!" and so Ike took Frederick with him outside. There were soldiers in black armour to greet him. "Well, uh, hi there… I have a rubber chicken." Ike said, holding up Frederick.

"Gasp! He's got a rubber chicken with him!"

"RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!" screamed one of the knights.

"Oh, hell yeah! My so totally awesome pet rubber chicken scared off an entire battalion of soldiers. I'm so proud of you, Frederick." and so Ike went into the briefing room.

"Well, what do you know? That stupid rubber chicken of yours can actually be of use to us." said Titania.

"You're damn right." replied Ike.

"Well," said Greil, "we still had better go to Gallia."

"…Crap." said Shinon.

"Oh, shut-up you shit-head." said Lenora.

"They might fight us even with Frederick. So we've no time for rest. Everyone, pack your things now! We leave at once, before the enemy brings reinforcements!"

"Understood," said Oscar, "Boyd! Come with me."

"Right behind you, Brother!"

"Ah! We've got to hurry, too! Come on, Rolf, We've got to pack as much food and supplies as we can!" said Mist.

"Are we going to pack that awesome type of ale that you and Boyd were concocting?"

"Yeah!"

"Titania! Take Shinon, Gatrie, and Lenora and make sure we have a secure road from here to the great forest. We'll make our way to Gallia through the sea of trees."

"On my way, sir!" said Titania.

"Rhys, you stay with me. I want you to help me pull essential documents from the library. Everything else we feed to the zombies."

"Y-yes, sir!" Rhys stuttered and shivered, remembering the nightmare about zombies that he had as a kid. They tried to force him to eat mud pie served with cat fur. Then they started belly-dancing.

"Soren, you go and help Mist and Rolf."

"Yes, sir."

"Ike! You're in charge of the princess."

"All right." After Greil left, Ike said, "Princess Elincia! I'm going to ready a horse for you. What should we have you do… I know-go to the mess hall."

"I'm sorry?"

"Listen, don't be a snob, okay? I know you're a princess but you can still lend a hand. Time will go by faster if you're helping Mist than it will if you're just sitting around waiting for me."

"Oh, I understand. I can do that!" And so Elincia went to go help Mist, Rolf, and Soren. She opened the door and everyone looked up.

"…What is it?" asked Rolf.

"I was told to help you pack." Elincia replied.

"What? A princess packing?" Mist was flabbergasted, but then she became angry, "IKE TOLD YOU TO HELP US, DIDN'T HE?!?!?!?! THAT STUPID RUDE, CRUDE, JACK-ASS!!!!!! I'LL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB!!!!!!! I'LL GNAW HIS HEAD OFF!!!!!!! I'LL RIP HIS STUPID RUBBER CHICKEN TO SHREDS!!!!!!! I'LL CHOP HIS THUMBNAIL OFF!!!!!!!!! I'LL-I'LL-I'LL TAP-DANCE IN FRONT OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Um, Mist, you don't look freaky when you tap-dance." said Rolf.

"I- I don't?" Mist blushed.

"Will you three stay on task and keep packing?" Soren asked.

"What makes you think you can make me?" demanded Mist.

"Our very lives depend on our progress in getting ready to leave."

"Always the negative one are you, Soren?" said Rolf. Soren ignored this and kept packing.

"You know, I've seen you and Lenora hanging out a lot." said Mist.

"We're both spirit charmers and she has a rare skill." Soren replied.

"Ooh, really?" said Mist and Rolf at the same time, with wide eyes staring into Soren's.

"Argh. Back off, you two." Soren grumble. Elincia chuckled and everyone looked at her.

"Come on. We can bug Soren when we have the time. We really do need to pack everything up as quickly as we can." she said.

Meanwhile Titania, Gatrie, Shinon, and Lenora were patrolling the road. Titania and Shinon were patrolling one area while Gatrie and Lenora were in another. "Isn't this strange?" said Gatrie.

"What?" replied Lenora.

"This war. Crimea and Daein never got along, but for Daein to suddenly invade the country… well, it just strikes me as odd!"

"Yeah, tell me about it. I'm just glad I've been in Crimea to help you all out."

"You've lived outside of the country?"

"Yep. I've been pretty much everywhere. Even Daein."  
"What about the… Laguz countries?"

"I've been to Gallia and Kilvas. But I've never been to Phoenicis or Goldoa."

"How did you ever get to Kilvas?"

"I, uh… have a friend who's a Raven."

"Ah I see, now."

Meanwhile, Ike was crying. "Frederick ran away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


	7. Chapter Six: A Brief Rock Concert

Chapter Six. A Brief Rock Concert

**Argh! I'm annoyed at going ahead in the story and still only posting the sixth chapter when I'm already writing chapter fifteen so good news! I'm going to try and upload the story more often! **

The Greil Mercenaries traveled through the forest, complaining. "It's too hot here…"Lenora stated.

"Frederick ran away..." Ike sobbed.

"It's way too damned hot in this forest!" Soren spat.

"We have to go to sub-human country…" Shinon muttered.

"I'm tired." Mist announced.

"I'm sad." said Rolf.

"I'm damned bored!" exclaimed Boyd.

"My horse keeps cursing…" Oscar muttered.

"I think I'm getting a heat stroke." Rhys said worriedly.

"I'm hungry." complained Elincia.

"My horse is threatening to play the base guitar if we don't get out of this forest really soon." Titania warned.

"My subordinates are idiots." declared Greil.

Then Gatrie roared, "IT'S SO HOT IN HERE!!!!!!!! MY GOSH, RHYS!!! AND YOU THINK _YOU'RE _GOING TO GET A HEAT STROKE!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I HAVE TO WEAR THIS STUPID SHITTY ARMOUR EVERY DAMN DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AND I'M SO DAMNED TIRED!!!!!!!!" Mist shouted.

"Shut up Mist, you moron, you! You already complained!" Ike yelled.

"Hey, let's split up into groups." said Soren.

"Okay. Gatrie and Shinon will come with me. The rest of you go some other way." Greil replied.

"Okay!" said Ike as he led the rest of the group a different way than Greil, Shinon, and Gatrie.

"Ike, look! Daein soldiers!" Lenora exclaimed as she pointed at the soldiers.

"Oh, crap! Mist, Rolf, you two need to keep the princess safe while we deal with these hunks of nincompoop." said Ike.

"Don't worry! I never lose at hide-and-seek!" boasted Rolf as he, Mist, and Elincia started climbing trees.

"Okay they'll be fine." said Boyd as he and the other mercenaries charged into the clearing where the enemies were.

"We've spotted the mercenaries!" shouted General Emil.

"Crap." said Ike. But then, Titania's horse reared up and threw her off. Then the horse stood on her hind legs and started rocking out with a base guitar that she found out of nowhere!

Soldiers started screaming in agony: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH"

"THE BASE GUITAR ATTACK!!!!!!!!"

"OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"RUN!!!!!"

"ASHERA HAVE MERCY!!!!!!!!!"

"I'M DYING!!!!! I'M DYING!!!!!! I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!"

"OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS WORSE THAN WATCHING GENERAL PETRINE DISCO DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" this gave the mercenaries and Mist, Rolf, and the princess time to escape.

"I don't know how, but we made it…" said Ike.

"BROTHER WE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!" screamed Mist.

"My lord Ike!" greeted Elincia.

"Mist! Princess, Rolf… Are you all well?"

"Yep! We're fine." said Rolf.

"Is this Gallia? We made it, didn't we? We're safe now, right? I thought I would feel different, but I don't." Complained Mist.

"This is all due to your efforts. Thank you…" said Elincia.

"Princess Elincia…" Ike said, trying to act like a cheesy romantic.

"It's still too early to rest easy. The others haven't rejoined us yet." Soren said.

"Ah!" Elincia exclaimed, embarrassed that she acted stupid in front of the mean little bastard.

"We are talking about the commander. I don't think there's anything to worry about." Titania tried to reassure everyone.

"Father… Shinon… Gatrie… Princess Elincia, I'm afraid we're going to have to part ways here."

"But what do you mean?" asked the dumb princess.

"I don't have confidence in them. I'm gonna save them." Ike replied

"What? No, Ike! I'm going to stay with you!" yelled Mist.

"Listen to me, Mist! We must do it this way so that everyone gets out of here alive!" Ike shouted.

"Mm…"

"Father and I will catch up to you right away! Don't worry Father or I ever broken a promise to you?"

"Well… no… YEAH, YOU HAVE!!! … All right, then. We'll go ahead." (Mist was probably acting stupid because she was having a heat stroke)

"Thank you, Mist. We'll see you soon." said Titania.

"All right. Titania… Please take care of my brother. Promise?"

"You have my word on it."

"Oscar… Boyd… Don't get killed out there, all right?"

"Rolf…" said Oscar.

"Knock it off, both of you! You're like a couple of old women. We're gonna be fine. Nothing bad's gonna happen while I'm around!"

"Hey, everyone! Elincia gave me a staff! My crush gave me a staff!" exclaimed Rhys after Mist, Rolf, and Elincia left.

"Let's get moving! Where to, Soren?" asked Ike.

"We go east on the road we used before. Let's find the commander before the enemy reinforcements show up." Soren replied.

"Too bad Frederick isn't here to save us…" Titania actually said.

"Oh, can it with that stupid rubber chicken!" said Boyd.

"Yeah! Shut-up and let's go search for the others." said Lenora.

**I should have called this chapter A Brief Rock Concert of Death. At first it was called A Brief Distraction because I couldn't think of anything. When it comes to thinking of a title to a chapter I always make the title be based on the name of the chapter in the game. So yeah, that's right. Titania's horse can play the bass guitar. **


	8. Chapter Seven: Shades of Comedy

Chapter Seven. Shades of Comedy

**I personally think that most of this chapter is sort of boring…but please still read it anyway because there are some parts that are important and/or hilarious.**

**Yeah, the only reason I posted this one so soon was because the last one was short.**

"They're not here, either…" whined Ike.

"Ohmygosh I saw someone!" said Boyd.

"Really?" asked Lenora.

"Let's go take a look." suggested Rhys.

"Okay!" agreed Ike. And so they all pranced into the fort.

"It seems as though this place has been abandoned for a long time." stated Soren.

"There's no one here… Hm. I could've sworn I saw a silhouette but… I guess it was a trick of the light."

"Let's take a quick look around. If we don't find anything here, we'll head back to Gallia." Ike decided.

"Very well…" Titania replied.

All of a sudden, a voice yelled, "Here they are! I've found the Crimean mercenaries! Surround them!" And then a bunch of Daein soldiers charged at them.

"Oh, fudge cakes!" Ike screamed as he and the rest of the mercenaries ran into the southeast corner of the room. "Titania, go take care of the guards that are coming in from the west. Boyd, why don't you and Soren go ahead and help her? Lenora and Oscar! You two are coming with me to fight the ones that are coming in from the north! Rhys, you go and heal anyone who's wounded that comes to you! And make sure the person's on our side, now!"

"Well, of course!" replied Rhys.

Ike, Lenora, and Oscar were being ganged up on and they were having a hard time fighting them off, even though Lenora was skilled enough to be a high-level myrmidon, almost a swordmaster. Then a just above low-level myrmidon with shoulder-length purple hair charged into the fort and started helping the mercenaries kill the Daein soldiers. When the enemies were all gone, she said to Ike, "Your name wouldn't happen to be Ike, would it?"

"It is, but… who are you?"

"I'm Mia. I'm a mercenary, hired by Crimea to bolster the army's numbers."

"An army mercenary, huh? So uh, what are you doing here?"

"I got careless and was captured. They were about to send me to a prison camp when Greil saved me."  
"You've seen my father? Where?"  
Just a little bit north of here. Not too far away, though."

"Really? So he's safe…"

"Uh, for your information we're still in the middle of a battle, here!" cried Lenora.

"Then you and Oscar go fight while I talk with Mia! Then we'll catch up to you!" said Ike as he continued to tell Mia what was going on. Lenora and Oscar went ahead. Soon they were followed by Ike and Mia. There were so many soldiers! And Ike was separated from the others. "Oh, no!" Ike panicked.

"Ike!" Oscar called, "Don't panic!"

"Okay!" and so Ike began tap-dancing. All of the soldiers who saw him began to scream:

"OH, _NOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"IT'S THE FEARED TAP-DANCING!!!!!!!!!"

"OH, DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS JUST AS SCARY AS WATCHING GENERAL TOURENO CHICKEN-DANCING!!!!!!!!" and they all died.

"HA-HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME AS LONG AS I HAVE MY FAITHFUL TAP-DANCE ATTACK!!!!" yelled Ike triumphantly. Soon his group was met by Titania, Soren, Boyd, and Rhys. "Good, so we're all together, now." said Ike. Just then a ferocious-looking woman with long dark green hair and an orange lance came into view, riding on a vicious-looking horse.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! She's scary!" cried Ike.

"Ha-ha-ha… Found you at last. You provided more entertainment than I thought you would."

"W-who are you?" Ike demanded, getting over his fear. Slightly.

"Me? I am General Petrine, and my arrival marks your doom. Lament your fortune, dear children, for all hope is lost. Your country is invaded, this country is almost invaded. You are already _dead_! And yet you still resist? Ha! You will not-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HER SHUT UP PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!" Ike started hyperventilating.

"Petrine… Of the Four Riders?" wondered Soren, who calmed down Ike, who said,

"Do you know her, Soren?"

"She may be one of the four generals who are King Daein's most trusted confidants and a champion disco-dancer. She is said to wield a flame lance of terrible arcane might. It's said that-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT UP PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike fainted.

"Ha-ha-ha… You heard of me? Why, I'm flattered. I'll try to make this easy on all of you. Give me the princess, and do it now. If I roast the girl along with you curs, I won't be able to present her head to His Majesty."

"Sorry to tell you this, but the princess isn't here. She's been in Gallia for quite some time now." Soren coolly replied.

"What… nonsense is that? Do you expect me to believe you? There's no way mercenary scum like you could get past my troops!"

Then a familiar voice could be heard, "They say that blind arrogance sows the field of its own destruction. Something tells me they were talking about you."

"Who-?" said Petrine as Greil, Shinon, and Gatrie came into view.

"Commander Greil!" exclaimed Titania.

"What're you doing here, you dumb pups?"

"We got the princess safely into Gallia. When you didn't rejoin us, Ike decided that we look for you." Titania replied.

"…What am I to do with you, Ike… Still, you all did well. Good work."

"Ha! Ignoring me proves you've got more guts than common sense. So you're the commander, eh? Hmph! And I was waiting for some great hero. You're just another sell sword."

"Am I?"

"Ha-ha. You know, I think I'll keep you! His Majesty, well... Let's just say he enjoys strong men. Yes, I do think you'll make a grand souvenir. You don't have to come along quietly, but I must have you alive. Dead men have no value, after all."

"…So the rumors of mad King Ashnard's twisted games are true, are they? …Shinon! Gatrie! I'll distract the woman. You two grab Ike and the others and get out of here now!"

"Got it!" replied Shinon.

"But, Commander! We can't leave you here on your own!" Gatrie was worried.

"Idiot! That woman's no threat to the commander. All right? Come on!" said Shinon.

"You said your name was Petrine, is that right? Listen up. This place nowhere near big enough. There's not enough room for a true contest between the two of us. I'm going elsewhere. You coming?"

"Do you actually think I'm going to fall for such a simple ruse?"

"You and I, we've got more power than the average person. We don't come across a chance like this too often. I'd like to flex my muscles without any distractions getting in the way. You?"

"Ha-ha… You really do know how to sweet talk a girl, don't you? All right, I'm coming."

"Over here."

"All right, men. I'm leaving you in charge here. Don't let even one of these Crimean vermin escape! Understood? I want them exterminated by the time I return." And so then the two very powerful fighters went into the room that a bunch of Daein soldiers were guarding.

"Oh crap we still have to battle…" Gatrie complained.

"Come on, Gatrie! We have to put a stop to these stupid Daeins!" Lenora retorted. Just then a creepy Daein soldier came up behind Soren.

"Boo!" he shouted.

"Ah!" Soren yelled and he swatted his magic tome at the soldier.

"Ha! Who would've thought to use a tome like that?" Boyd laughed. Then the mercenaries and the soldier stood staring at each other in awkward silence. Suddenly, after a few minutes of this awkwardness, the Daein soldier started to glow.

"OH NO!!!" screamed Rhys.

"He's gonna blow up!" shrieked Oscar.

"Run for your lives, everyone!" yelled Lenora. Oscar grabbed Ike and put him on his horse in front of him and he and the other mercenaries galloped or ran away as fast as they could. Then the Daein soldier exploded, destroying everything in its path. Fortunately, none of the mercenaries were in the line of fire. But a lot of the Daein soldiers were. Ike woke up the sounds of the explosion.

"Ah!" he yelled and jumped off of Oscar's horse.

"It's about time you woke up, you thickhead!" Boyd taunted.

"Shut-up, Boyd!"

"Come on and let's finish this fight!" Shinon impatiently said.

"Right!" replied Lenora.

"Follow me, everyone!" exclaimed Ike. Soon, the mercenaries defeated the soldiers and went to find Greil and Petrine, who were in a fierce battle.

They were insulting each other, too: "Bitch!"

"Shit-head!"

"Stupid arrogant bitch! You're name is General Petrine right? Or is it Gentle Petticoat Wearer?" Everyone laughed profusely at that.

"Shut-up, you motherfucker! You're name's not Commander Greil, is it? No, I must have it wrong. You're name's supposed to be Cocaine Girl, isn't it?" Absolutely _no one _laughed. The insult just didn't make much sense.

"…You're not good at insulting, are you?"

"Shut-up! I shall cleave you of your life!"

"Here they are! Over here!" a bunch of soldiers charged in.

"Blast." said Ike, "Enemy reinforcements! Father! Let's get out of here! There are too many-"

"…Looks like I've got no choice."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha… So now, the tide has turned, hasn't it? All troops, attack! Kill them! Kill them all!"

"Hm… Looks like our luck's run out."

"Father!"

"STOP YELLING THAT LIKE A HOPELESS IDIOT!!! You have to survive this, Ike. I'm not going to lose you, not in this place. Are you ready?"

"Yes, Commander!" Ike replied.

"You've nowhere to run. Curse whatever gods you hold, for they have abandoned you!" Suddenly a loud roaring sound was heard.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! I'M SCARED!!!! FATHER PROTECT ME FROM THE BOOGIEMAN!!!!!!!" Ike screamed. Another roar was heard.

"B-b-beasts! Gallian beast soldiers!" spluttered a Daein soldier.

"R-r-run! We're going to be torn to shreds!"

"Stand your ground, all of you! Don't panic! I will personally slaughter the first man to turn back on the enemy!" Petrine yelled.

"What if you're a woman?" asked a female soldier.

"I'll slaughter you, too!" Petrine snapped. And then yet another roar was heard.

"Noooo!" screamed another soldier. And soon, all of the Daein soldiers ran away.

"Pfeh. Worthless cowards, one and all." Then, a bunch of Gallian Cats and Tigers came into the chamber. A bright blue Cat transformed into his half-Beorc form.

"Attention, Daein shit heads! Leave this place at once! If you do not comply immediately, you will face Gallia's full strength!"

"Threaten me all you like. It's not going to frighten me off. If I leave, His Majesty will have me executed. I'd rather die here in battle, with my honor intact." Then a _huge _golem-like person in black armour entered the room.

"Withdraw, General Petrine." he said.

"The Black Knight…" she replied.

"As for the king, you have nothing to fear. I'll explain things to him. Take your men and go."

"Tsk! All troops, fall back!" Now The Black Knight stood there staring at the mercenaries. Well, to be precise, he was staring at Greil.

"Father, why is that creep staring at you?" Ike asked, hiding behind Greil.

"Hey! Are you planning on taking us all on by yourself?" demanded the blue Cat. And so then The Black Knight left.

Everyone went outside and were greeted by Mist, Rolf, and Elincia. "Father! Brother!" cried Mist.

"Mist!" replied Ike.

"Master Greil, my lord Ike… I am pleased you are well." said the stupid Princess Elincia.

"Princess Elincia… Why did you return here?" Ike inquired.

"The princess came and requested Gallian aid for your mercenary company. That is what brings us here."

"Are you one of Gallia's sub-humans?" Ike dumbly asked him.

"Sub-human? Ha! What arrogance it takes to coin such a name! You think yourselves the only ones worthy of the name "human", and so we Laguz must be beneath you? And thus you call us "sub-human". We are less then human to you, is that it?" The Cat demanded.

"I'm sorry... I don't know any other name for you. If I have offended you, I apologize. "Huh? You show manners? How odd. I like that. Now, you are… Who, exactly?"

"My name is Ike. Ike of the Greil Mercenaries."

"I'm Ranulf, a warrior of Gallia. We did not know what to think when this group of beorc came tramping through Gallian fields... Imagine our surprise to learn that one of them is Princess Elincia. Now, that was a shock. Two days ago, Daein proclaimed their conquest. We thought Crimea's royals had all been killed." Lenora and pretty much everyone else began to zone out. How Ike was able to resist screaming and having a seizure and/or fainting was probably because after just reacting to Petrine's and Soren's long explanations, he was temporarily immune.

Soon the mercenaries arrived at the abandoned castle where they would spend the night. "This castle is cool!" exclaimed Lenora.

"I agree with you!" said Boyd.

"Me, too!" said Mia.

"ME, THREE!!!" shouted Mist.

"Me, four!" said Rolf.

"Me, five!" said Elincia.

"Me-"

"OH, SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!?!?!?!" bellowed Greil, Titania, Ike, Oscar, and Lenora at the same time. At the castle; Lenora, Mia, Ike, Soren, Boyd, and Rolf were hanging out together.

"Well, it's a good thing we can finally take a breather!" exclaimed Mia.

"Yeah, I'm beat!" replied Rolf.

"You didn't even do anything!" exclaimed Boyd.

"Yeah, Rolf! What the crap?" said Lenora.

"I was looking for my rubber chicken!" Rolf snapped as he spaced out to recall his search for his rubber chicken: _"Chucky! Come here, Chucky! Chucky! CHUCKY WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?! Okay, think, Rolf! Think! If I were a rubber chicken who fell off of a mountain where would I be?...Well, no _durr_! I would be next to a mountain!" And so Rolf rushed out of Gallia castle and into the forest. He ran past Mist and a Cat named Lethe. _

"_Hey, human!" shouted Lethe, "Just where do you think you're going?"_

"_I'm looking for my pet rubber chicken named Chucky! He fell off of a mountain!"_

"_Hey, can I come with you, Rolf?" asked Mist. _

"_Sure."_

"_Hold on a second!"_

"_What is it, Auntie Lethe?" asked Rolf._

"_Don't call me that!" she snarled, "Anyway, there's no way I'm letting you two humans go tramping around _our _forest! I'm going with you!" _

"_Yay! Thank you, Auntie Lethe! You're the best!" said Mist and Rolf at the same time._

"_Oh, this is going to be a long day…" Lethe muttered to herself as she followed the two Beorc. When the three got to a mountain, Rolf said,_

"_Mist, you go that way, and I'll go this way. Auntie Lethe, you can go whichever direction you want to go!"_

"_Yeah, whatever." Lethe replied as she stayed put. _

"_Chuckeeeey! Where are you, Chucky? Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck!!! Chucky, where are you, you stupid mutha- HEY MIST I FOUND A TASTY-LOOKING COCKROACH!!!"_

"_REALLY?!?!?!?!" Mist hollered all the way from the other side of the mountain._

"_YES, AND IT'S RUNNING AWAY!!! WE'D BETTER CHASE AFTER IT!!!"_

"_OKAY!!! YOU JUST WAIT RIGHT THERE!!!" Mist ran so fast that when she ran past Lethe, she sent her spinning. _

"_Gaaaahhhhh! Watch where you're going, you damned bitch!" she yelled, "OhnoI'mdizzyandconfusedanddon'tknowwhatthefuck'sgoingonandohshitshitshitshitshit-shitshitshitshiSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Meanwhile, the two little idiots were chasing the cockroach._

"_OH MY GOSH IT LOOKS SO TASTY!!!" whooped Mist._

"_I Soooo want to eat it right this second!"_

"_TASTY ROACH TIME TO MEET YOUR DOOM!!!!!!!"_

"_Mmmmmmm…Must. Catch. Fry. Eat. Roach!"_

"_THAT STUPID DAMNED ROACH KEEPS ESCAPING!!!!!"_

"_I need to eat the roach!" Rolf started crying. Suddenly a talking emerald floated in front of Mist and Rolf and ate the cockroach!. _

"_OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!"_

"_OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!"_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"_

"_YOU ATE OUR COCKROACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"_YOU DAMNED SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"_MUST. KILL. TALKING. EMERALD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"ROLF!!!!!!!" Ike, Soren, Lenora, Boyd, and Mia all roared at the same time in order to get his attention.

"AH!!! … H-huh?" Rolf stared at everyone dumbly.

"My gosh, Rolf! We've had to scream at you for the last few damned hours! What the hell is wrong with you?" Boyd yelled.

"S-sorry…"

"Well, at least we won't lose our voices because we kept on drinking this huge barrel of vomit-flavored maple syrup." said Mia.

"Yeah, and that syrup is like, gourmet syrup!" Ike said as he started drinking more of the barrel of the disgusting syrup.

That night, Lenora and Soren were in Soren and Oscar's room talking to each other. Oscar was busy patrolling so they wouldn't be disturbed any time soon. "So you hate the Laguz? Why, Soren?"

"Because they refuse to accept the fact that the Branded share their heritage and call them 'the parentless'. It's like humans calling the Laguz sub-humans. It's true. Sub-humans truly are emotionless, heartless, fiends."

"Soren, you can't be that critical of them just because of that. Look, the Laguz hate the humans because of the sin that they've committed in the past. And there are probably still some humans outside of Daein who act unjustly to them. They probably distance themselves from the Branded because they want nothing to do with the humans. It's sort of like a Laguz calling a Beorc a human. The humans are pathetic creatures. They fear what is unknown or what is more powerful than them. So they grow to hate them. I really don't know whether it's their fault or not that they hate the Laguz. But there are humans who deserve to be called Beorc. Like Ike, Mist, Titania, Greil, and probably Oscar, too. I don't know about Rolf, but he has a kind enough heart…"

"…Perhaps you've softened my attitude for the…Laguz. But I think you're a bit too soft about the humans."

"Soren, I know they're cruel. You learned that the hard way, and I've witnessed their cruelty, gotten a taste of it. Soren…I probably will never be able to truly imagine what you've gone through." Lenora went over to Soren and hugged him. Soren had never really been hugged before, and especially not by a girl. His face turned pink, then blood red, then purple, then blue, then pitch black, then bright green, then extremely pure white, then grey, then the color of jam vomit and then he fainted. "Oh…crap." sighed Lenora. Soren's face returned to its original, pale sickly color now that he was unconscious. She picked him up and hauled him into his bed and then left the room. She walked down the corridor when she heard yelling that was coming from outside the nearby window:

"…heartless git! And Gatrie! Why you, too?!" Boyd was shouting.

"Listen, I'm not leaving for selfish reasons! I-I-I uh, just don't want to serve under someone who's inexperienced! I-I might come back later!"

"NO ONE'S GOING TO WELCOME A DESERTER!!!!!" thundered Boyd.

"HEY!!! What the _hell _is going on?!" yelled Lenora.

"Greil's dead and Ike will take command of the mercenaries! Shinon and Gatrie are leaving because of that!" Oscar replied.

"WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID SOMEONE LIKE GREIL OF ALL PEOPLE GET KILLED?!?!?!?! _AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'GATRIE AND SHINON ARE LEAVING'_?!?!?!?!?!?!" Lenora was outraged, very damn confused, and _angry_!

"Pah. I'm not serving under an idiot. The only ones in this entire mercenary band who aren't idiots are me, Gatrie, Titania, and Greil! Of course I'm leaving!"

"Shinon, you're selfish and stupid. I would understand why someone like you would leave, but WHY YOU, GATRIE?!?!?!?!" Boyd screamed.

"I- uh… I can't just let Shinon go-"

"GATRIE, I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND BUTCHER YOU!!!!!!" Lenora then climbed onto the windowsill and prepared to jump.

"Lenora, stop! You're going to kill yourself!" Oscar cried. By this time, Soren had woken up to the sound of the yelling and knew what had happened.

"Oh, I most definitely _won't _kill myself! 'Cause Gatrie and Shinon are the ones who are going to die, not me!!!"

"Just let the two go!" Soren yelled from his window.

"What did you say?!" Lenora and Boyd yelled at the same time.

"If they want to be selfish, then let them be! Obviously nothing is going to change their minds!"

"Oh! You're right…" said Lenora.

"…Go then," said Boyd, "go then, you cowards."

"Pah." Shinon simply said before leaving.

"F-forgive me." Gatrie said, then he followed Shinon.

"You guys, how did Greil die?" Lenora asked.

"Ike hasn't told us," replied Oscar, "everyone, let's go into the main room where Ike and the others are."

Ike, Titania, and Mia were in the main room; when Boyd, Oscar, Lenora, and Soren entered the room. "We're back." said Oscar.

"Judging by the yells, it looks like you two tried to stop them as well…" Titania sighed, "Forgive me Ike. I wasn't able to stop any of this…"

"It's not their fault, Titania. They did what the felt they had to do. they didn't want to lose their lives to an idiot like me."

"Ike! Don't talk about yourself like that."

"I'm not saying that to gain anyone's pity. It's the truth. But even so, I have no intention of giving up command of this company."

"Ike? Then what will you-"

"I'm going to follow my father's wishes and assume command. If everyone will accept me."

"Of course!" Titania immediately approved.

"I'd already made up my mind," said Oscar, "That's what I was going to do all along."

"What, so now you want me to start calling you Boss? Is that it? Well I can do that. Boss it is!" declared Boyd.

Just then, Rhys entered the room and said, "I'm in, too."

"Rhys!"

"Mist's asleep. I know I missed most of the conversation, but it's very damn obvious what you all were talking about. Commander Ike… Yes, it does have a nice ring to it."

"Ike, I'm going to stay with your mercenary band. I've never lived quite like this before, and I like this mercenary life. And besides, I'm not going to let King Ashnard have his way!" said Lenora.

"What about you, Soren?"

"Don't worry. I'll be here, watching over you."

"Showoff." teased Lenora.

"And you, Mia?"

"Ike, you're weird, reckless, and idiotic. That just invites excitement! I'm staying, too!"

"Thank you. I know I'm not as experienced as most of you. I'm going to make some mistakes and make myself look like the imbecile that I am. But I'll try not to let you down."

"Well, you're going to have a lot to learn about being commander. I'm glad you're being serious for once, because it's a lot of work." said Titania.

"Tell me everything."

"Uh-oh," Boyd muttered to Lenora and Mia, "I think I know what will happen next."

"Oh, boy." Lenora sniggered.

"First," began Titania, "you'll need to understand company expenditures. And everyone needs to be properly outfitted. You also need to know everyone pretty well. Earlier, I spoke with a merchant caravan that's taken refuge here in the castle. They fled Crimea at the same time we did. I told them who we are, and-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HER SHUT-UP, PLEEEEAAAASE!!!!!!" Ike screeched as he fell down in a seizure. Rhys sighed as he went to get his heal staff.


	9. Chapter Eight: A Despairingly Hungry

Chapter Eight. A Despairingly Hungry Mage and a Hopefully Tolerant Couple of Myrmidons

**This chapter is boring until the part when Ilyana meets Lenora and Mia. Hence, the name of the chapter. **

Lenora, Soren, and Mia were assigned to patrol the castle the next morning. "…I just can't believe he's dead…" uttered Lenora.

"I didn't really get to know him, but the way he fought with that general and by the way he talked, he didn't seem like the kind of person who would suddenly just die." Mia piped up.

"Ike told me that the one who killed his father was that same huge knight in black armour who stopped General Petrine from attacking us. He's The Black Knight. Like Petrine, he's also one of The Four Riders." Soren informed them.

"Wow, really?" asked Mia, "No wonder… But still. I just can't picture Greil getting killed!"

"Well he was!" Soren retorted.

"Hey, what's that there?" Lenora pointed at a haze that was moving through the trees.

"They're Daein soldiers." said Soren as he immediately made his way to the main room of the castle.

"Again?!" cried Mia as she and Lenora followed Soren.

Ike, Titania, Mist, Rhys, Boyd, and Oscar were in the main room when Soren and the two myrmidons rushed in. "Ike, I've got bad news! Look out the window!" Soren exclaimed.

"That's not what I think, is it?" Ike dreaded.

"If I'm not imagining things, that's a squad of Daein soldiers. Why do they have to show up, now?" Rhys sighed.

"What gives? We're inside Gallia's borders, aren't we? They must be out of their minds to pursue us this far!" Boyd shouted. After a bunch of minutes of planning, the mercenaries went out to meet the Daein soldiers, who looked like mean ferocious dogs to them.

"Aaahh! Don't hurt me!" yelled Ike, "Um, okay here's my plan: Oscar, Lenora, and I will go to the right side, Soren and Mia will go guard the main entrance, and Titania and Boyd will guard the left side. All right. Greil Mercenaries, move out!"

"All right, let's kill these stupid scumbags!" said Lenora as she took two soldiers out with a gigantic ice blade that she shot with her sword. She then sparred with a 'golem'. "My gosh! You people are like miniature versions of The Black Knight!" Soon Ike came to Lenora's aid and started to spar with an enemy myrmidon, and Oscar began to throw javelins at enemies.

Meanwhile, Mia sparred with the horse-riders and wounded them and then Soren would finish them off with magic spells.

Boyd sparred with enemies while Titania threw battle axes at them.

Rhys watched his comrades battle when a sickly-looking mage girl stumbled into the guarded area from where Ike and his group was. The frail girl reminded Rhys of himself. "Uh…" he said.

"I-I'm on your side. I'm Ilyana. I was press-ganged into the Daein army but you're leader Ike saved me. I will fight with you. Which area needs me the most? …Oooh…"

"Um, are you sure you're in the condition to fight? You seem sick. I can heal you and then you can go into the castle with Mist and Rolf."

"No, I'm fine. It's just the rain. C-cold rain always does this to me."

"Well, Soren and Mia over there look like they need the most help. Be careful, now."

"Th-thanks." And then Ilyana opened her lightning tome and chanted a few words. A bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and killed a soldier that was about to hit Mia. Soren spun around and saw the stranger. "Ah! You're from Daein!" cried Ilyana.

"No, I'm not. I'm wearing black but I'm with the mercenaries. Who are you?"

"Ilyana. I was s-saved by Ike. I'm helping you."

"I'm Soren. You seem sick, so don't make me catch your cold. But let's continue in fighting the enemy. Mia! This girl Ilyana is on our side!"

"Okay." Mia replied as she stabbed an enemy. Soon, the only enemy left for Mia, Soren, and Ilyana to fight was General Kamura.

"Ike, we could use some help fighting this general!" Mia yelled.

"Okay!" said Ike. (And yes, he said it in that stupid voice just as always) Soon Lenora came to assist them.

"Oh, my gosh it's another golem!" she exclaimed.

"What did you call me, you Crimean brat? Your commander is stupid to send stupid little brats like you into battle!"

"What did you say, old man? I'll slaughter you!" Lenora declared as she shot a wave of water at Kamura. His armour immediately rusted.

"Oh, no! My thousand carat gold armour is ruined! You damned bitch!"

"Oh shut-up, you filthy-rich bastard!" Lenora retorted as she slashed at his shoulder, only to be blocked by his lance. While Kamura was distracted, Soren and Ilyana both shot a wind and a thunder spell at him, killing him.

"Urgh…aaa… Glory to…to…Daein…" Kamura mumbled, coughing up blood, then dying. Lenora, Soren, Mia, and Ilyana quickly went to go help the rest of the mercenaries. But then even more Daein soldiers arrived at the castle. Things became hopeless, Mist even came outside so that she could die with her brother. None of the mercenaries were killed yet, but most of them were wounded and fatigued. But then in an instant, each and every one of the enemy soldiers were lying dead and there was an orange-haired Cat and a vivid blue-haired Tiger.

"Gasp! Hi, Auntie Lethe!" Mist waved at her like an idiot.

"Hiss! I told you not to call me that!"

"Mist, you know this Cat?" Ike inquired.

"Uh-huh! Rolf and I both met her at Gallia castle!"

"So, uh… Are you two from the palace? Did the king of Gallia send you?"

"He did. I am Mordecai, warrior Gallia. Your hair is blue. You are Ike. Is this correct?"

"That's right- I'm Ike. You saved us back there. Thank you."

"Ranulf told me Ike is not a bad stranger. Mordecai and Ike… We will become friends."

"You don't know that. You don't know if we can trust him. It's too soon to tell. He's a Beorc. A human. You know all humans have two faces."

"Lethe!"

"Beorc? What's that?"

"Ike, you idiot! Beorc are what we are!" exclaimed Lenora.

"Ha, we with the power are Laguz. You soft, hairless things with no power at all, you are called Beorc."

"What did you say?"

"Lethe! You are being bad. The king forbids this. We cannot fight with Beorc!"

"Most beorc call us by hated names, look at us with eyes filled with scorn. "Sub-human"? Hss! Is that how beorc treat their friends? Is that how beorc treat their allies?"

"You're right... Some of us use that name far too readily. I guess if we had thought about it, we'd have realized it's not a polite term, but we didn't know you by any other name. I'm sorry." Ike apologized.

"You know no other name for us? Are we really so little to you, human? You, who forced us into slavery? How easily you forget. But we laguz! We remember. We remember how we have suffered at your hands. The king can say whatever he likes, I will not trust you. I warn you now...never speak to me in such a way!"

"Lethe…" Mordecai sighed.

"What's your point?" scoffed Soren, "Did you come all the way to complain to us? Ha-ha… Typical sub-humans."

"Soren! You damned fucked up SHITHEAD!!!!" Lenora snarled.

"I know, Soren! What's wrong with you?!" Ike yelled. "Uh, Mordecai, Lethe, I apologize on behalf of my company. Please forgive Soren. It's a poor excuse, but we recently lost…some companions. We're tired, and we're not thinking clearly."

"…I apologize as well. My behavior has been unkind I forgot our mission, and I have blundered terribly." replied Lethe.

"Mission?"

"The king wants to see you. We are here to guide you to the royal palace."

"Okay!" Lethe and Mordecai both raised their eyebrows at him.

Lenora just said, "You'll get used to his idiocy."

At the fort, Ike and his mercenaries were given a few hours to rest from their huge battling and traveling. Mist and Rolf kept bothering Lethe, and Ilyana went to go bug Lenora and Mia: The two myrmidons were in the courtyard conversing when Ilyana approached them. "Hello, Ilyana. You're that new girl!" greeted Lenora.

"Hi…"

"What's wrong? Are you sick?" Mia queried.

"I'm just hungry. My stomach is so huge I have to eat five helpings… I'm hungry… So very hungry… Hey, that pillar looks tasty…"

"Whoa!" Lenora exclaimed as she and Mia pulled Ilyana away from the stone column.

"Stop trying to eat the castle! Come on, Ilyana! we're taking you to the mess hall!" said Mia, "…Though…I really don't know were it is. And besides, if you eat that much, then you shouldn't eat too much of our supply of food so I think we'd better just go and hunt the food ourselves."

"Okay…but where's the exit?" Ilyana asked.

"Oh, crap!" Lenora sighed, "…Um…I know! Let's climb over to the forest!"

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed Mia.

"Heh, I do crazy things all the time. Sort like Ike, except I actually know what I'm doing. Just trust me and let's climb over this hunk of rock!"

"What makes you think we'd be able to climb over a castle?" Mia replied.

"Come on! Look, all we have to do is climb onto the roof and down the outside wall!" Lenora replied.

"ARE YOU DAMNED CRAZY?!?!?!?!" Mia shouted.

"Suit yourself! I'm going into the forest the _easy _way! You coming, Ilyana?"

"Um… I think I'll just go with Mia…"

"Fine, then!" Meanwhile I'm gonna climb over the castle!" declared Lenora as she went over to the edge of the courtyard and started to climb up the stone wall.

"Hey!!! Get off of there, you human!" shouted Lethe, who started throwing cleavers at Lenora.

"Ah!" Lenora yelped as she jumped down from the wall. "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME, YOU INSANE MORON!!!" she screamed.

"I'm not about to allow a human to climb on the walls of _our _forts! Go outside the long way!"

"Hmph. Damn bitch…" Lenora muttered as she joined Mia and Ilyana.

"I heard that!" said Lethe.

Lenora, Ilyana, and Mia all ran as fast as they could through the hallways. They bumped into a bunch of the mercenaries. "Hey! Watch where you're going, you damned bitches!" snarled Soren.

"What's the rush?" exclaimed Oscar.

"Aaah!" screamed Mist and Rolf.

"Hss!" Lethe bared her teeth. (Whoa! How did Lethe get over there already?)

"OH MY GODDESS!!!" Rhys screamed. Then, Ilyana collapsed.

"Ah! Ilyana!" Mia cried.

"Don't worry… I'm so…tired and hungry…"

"Ilyana, you stay here while Lenora and I go and find you some food." Mia replied as she and Lenora _finally_ found the main entrance.

"Okay," said Lenora, "let's go find some food!"

"Right… Ohmygosh I see an elk!"

"Let's go kill it!" Lenora exclaimed in a crazy-sounding voice. And so she threw her sword at the elk, killing it. She and Mia went over to the giant dead creature and tried to lift it up.

"My gosh! This thing's heavy!" exclaimed Mia.

"I now! We should have asked someone to come with us!"

"And it already smells!"

"I know, what the hell?"

"Holy shit!"

"What is it, Mia?"

"I think the thing just grunted!"

"What?!"

"Oooh…please…take that sword out of my flank…please…" the elk groaned in a deep, rich, mellow voice.

"Oh, sorry about that!" Lenora said as she took her sword out of the elk and cleaned it in the grass. She then put it in its sheath.

"Oooh…thank you very much…"

"You're welcome! Come on, Mia. Let's pick this elk up again." Mia groaned at this as she and Lenora lifted the elk up and continued to carry it to the abandoned castle.

"Oh… Where are you taking me?" asked the dead elk.

"To Ilyana's stomach." Lenora replied.

"That sounds like a nice place…"

"Urgh… We're almost there…" mumbled Lenora. A few minutes later they found Ilyana. "Hey, we have some food for you!"

"Oh…thank you." Ilyana replied.

"Hold on!" exclaimed the elk, "Are you saying that she's going to _eat _me?!?!?!?!?! Aaaaaaaahhh!!!!!" the elk started to gallop away.

"Hey! I already killed you! You shouldn't be talking or moving at all!" Lenora yelled.

"Oh! Oops! My soul forgot to leave my body and go to Ashera's realm!" And then the elk fell dead for real.

"Well Ilyana, dig in!" said Mia.

"Mmmmm. Thank you." Ilyana ate the entire elk in one second. "I'm still hungry…"

"What the crap?" said Lenora.

"Oh, well. It looks like we'll just have to hunt for more food!" Mia tried to stay positive. But in her thoughts she was thinking, _Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… _So she and Lenora went back into the forest and found a deer.

"Hopefully this will fill her stomach." said Lenora.

"It better!" And it took an entire hour of tramping around the forest and dragging dead carcasses to Ilyana.

So after an hour she said, "I've had enough of animal meat. I'm gonna eat some dirt now. Don't worry. I'm immune to dirt so I can just eat this jar of dirt that I was carrying with me."

"WHAT??!?!?!?!?!" screamed Mia.

"YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL US BEFORE?!?!?!"

"YOU DAMNED MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'm… I'm sorry…"

"Oh, I am _sooooo _out of here!" declared Lenora as she tramped off.

"See ya 'round, fucker." Mia said before angrily stomping off.

When no one could hear her, Ilyana said to herself, "So I once again claim two more victims! Ha-ha-ha…ha-ha-ha…MUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Sorry, Ilyana fans, but that's right, Ilyana is going to be Lenora's and Mia's enemy in this story. In the game portrait of her, she looks evil! Evil! EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **


	10. Chapter Nine: Galveston

Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine. Galveston

**Okay the reason that I took so long to post chapter eight was because there was something wrong with the internet, but now that I think about it, I think I'll still just post chapters only every now and then because stories need suspense. So yeah, I'm going to make you all have fits and wondering what will happen next. This chapter is probably pretty stupid too but the one after this one is really crazy. **

Ike and company continued on their journey to Gallia Castle. Lenora was spacing out while Lethe and Mordecai were in an argument and then she began to listen to Mia's and Boyd's conversation: "Hey Boyd, have you heard of those awesome rubber chickens that this guy's been selling?"

"Yeah, and I used to own one, too!"

"Far out!"

"Yeah, everyone of us mercenaries owned one. But we all lost ours somehow. Mine blew up because I wanted to see what would happen if I lit the Golden Fleece on fire, and that stupid, stupid chicken got in the way and blew up along with the Golden Fleece! Well, the stupid Fleece survived, but not poor Vulture…"

"Aww don't cry, Boyd."

"But I miss Vulture!" Boyd started to sob.

"Oh, stop whining, you wimp!" Ike taunted.

"Shut your trap! You were screaming and crying when you lost Frederick!"

"Oh, _Frederick_! How you kick such a load of _sorrow _unto my _heart_! How you _lure _me with your _luster_! How you _fooled _me with your _deception_! And yet I still long for you. Oh, _Frederick_! How you drive me _insane_!" Ike ranted in a very _dramatic_ voice. How it's so _poetic_,and _mellow_, and _rich. _

"That smell on the wind…" said Mordecai.

"What is it?" asked Ike.

"It's iron. It is the smell of weapons. The smell of Beorc. Heavily armoured. Well armed."

"Black armour… They're Daein men, all right." Soren said.

"You're saying that some of the invasion force is still around?" Ike was outraged.

"Daein worms… They strut about the Gallian forests as though they own them. I won't stand for it!" Lethe spat.

"Grrr… The castle to the south. Many Beorc are inside. They carry iron weapons. I smell them." Mordecai uttered.

"Not good… Not good! … NOT GOOD AT ALL WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" Ike panicked.

"The escape route's been blocked. We're going to have to fight our way out." Lethe calmly replied.

"OH, NOOOOOOOOO!! … Ah, um, anyways… Greil Mercenaries… Move out!" And so the mercenaries along with the two Laguz marched to where the castle was. It took them a while to notice that Mist and Rolf were marching along with them! "Mist!" shouted Ike.

"Rolf!" shouted Boyd and Oscar.

"ILYANA!!" Lenora shouted at the top of her lungs.

"Uh… Y-yes?" Ilyana asked.

"Uh… you're a bitch, just kidding! I mean, yes you are a bitch!"

"Mist! You dumbass! You and Rolf clear out of here!"

"No, Ike! We're going to fight with you- both of us."

"What? No. That's not going to happen. Be serious, Mist… The two of you can't even wield weapons."

"I've got this!" Mist held up a crappy-looking tree branch that looked like King Ashnard stepped on it while ballet-dancing.

"A heal staff…?"

"Yeah! I made Rhys teach me how to use it. I can heal injuries! I mean, just little ones, but still…"

"Little ones? No. There's no way I'm letting-"

"Oh, shut-up!" yelled Rolf.

"Rolf! Stop being such a brat, you twerp!" Boyd spoke.

"I'm going to fight, too! I'm good with a bow!"

"Really? That's news to me. Is that the best lie you could come up with?"

"It's no lie!" Rolf retorted.

"That's right! He's not lying." said Mist.

"Of course he is!" Boyd still doubted.

"Dude, Mist, what are you talking about?" Ike asked dumbly.

"Rolf's always practicing with his bow. And he's really good! Aren't you?!"

"I sure am, 'cause I'm cool like that!"

"Well…" Ike was at a loss for words.

"Listen, the enemies are getting extremely close-by, so let me tell you something," Lethe was saying, "Seeing as you're leading most of the people here, Mordecai and I will…follow your instruction." and then she did a back flip and green and white sparks surrounded her. She was now in her cat form and started killing the enemies that were nearby.

"Hey, is that the beach over there?" Mia pointed at the beach that was RIGHT THERE!!

"Well, no _durr_!" Lenora replied.

"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GOING TO GALVESTON!!" shouted Mist.

"What's a galveston?" asked Rolf.

"No, silly! Galveston is a port city off of the coast of southeast Texas! And it has the coolest sea wall!"

"Mist, what the fuck is this gibberish? I think that this is just a beach off of the coast of _Gallia_!" Lenora sighed as she shot ice blades at an enemy.

"But at Braedon's black market when I went with my dad to go buy those rubber chickens I saw a map of this place called Texas and I asked Braedon about it and he started telling me-"

"Let's go over to the beach!" suggested Rolf as he shot an enemy, killing him.

"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GOING TO GALVESTON!!" Mist shouted again.

"Dude, shut-up!" said Lenora.

"Did you just call me a dude?"

"Yep."

"Paperclip."

"What the hell's a paperclip?"

"Never mind. It's just something I saw at Brædon's shop."

"Oh, well come on! Let's go to that beach!"

"Hey! Where do you imbeciles think you're going?" Ike yelled at Lenora, Mist, Rolf, and Mia.

"We're going to that beach! Are you coming?"

"Okay! Come on, everyone! We're going to the beach!" and so Ike then pranced toward the beach like an idiot. Suddenly, a huge white bird, er, pegasus with a pink-haired rider came flying and landed right in front of Ike.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHH!! THAT THING WANTS TO EAT MEEEEEEEEEE!!" Ike screamed.

"No, silly one! Ike, don't you remember me, Marcia?"

"Oh, yeah! You're the girl who likes my tap-dancing!"

"Bingo!" And so Ike and Marcia talked to each other and Marcia joined the group.

"Yay!" cheered Mist, "We get to play on the beach!"

"Uh-oh! I see pirates!" cried Rolf.

"What?! Where be these scurvy scalawags, matey?" Lenora growled.

"OH SHIT THERE'S A PIRATE RIGHT NEXT TO US!!" screamed Mist.

"What? Ah! No! I accidentally talked like a pirate! Mist! Calm down! Rolf, she's foaming at the mouth!"

"Don't ask me what to do!"

"Don't worry, we just have to make her eat a mento and then immediately drink some diet coke."**(Doing this actually makes more foam!)** Ilyana said in that tiny, quiet voice of hers, so no one heard her.

"Rhys!" Lenora called.

Rhys soon came over to examine Mist and sighed, "Oh, dear. It looks like Mist will have to drink more of that medicine we got from Braedon…" Just then, Mia, while still in her fighting clothes and holding her sword up with one arm, was surfing.

"Yeah! Surfing is so totally awesome, dude!" she exclaimed. Then, a great white shark started swimming alongside her. "Wow! Hi there, gigantic grey fish! How come you don't have any scales?"

"Human, I need you to find me some Cajun seafood." said the shark.

"Sorry dude, I'm busy surfing."

"Then I'll turn you into Cajun seafood."

"Ah! Okay, okay, okay, _okay_! So dude, where do I find of this Cajun seafood?"

"You must steal it from one of the feline peoples that live nearby."

"Okay, dude! Just wait right here!" and so Mia rode a wave that took her back to the shore and went to where a couple of cabins were. She saw a shovel and started digging a hole next to one of the houses. After she finished her tunnel that led into the house, she poked her head out of the dirt floor and saw a Cat snoozing on a lounge chair. "Good, now where's that Cajun seafood?" She then saw a glass jar with soup in it. Mia crept up to it and opened it. The strong aroma of Cajun sea food emitted from it.

Mia closed the jar and began to creep back to the tunnel when the Cat mumbled, "Scalywag, that be _me_ blade o' grass! Hey! Don't you be tryin' to change the subject with me! Look, ye shrimpy bastard, the fact that snakes have legs be nothin' to do with the fact that ye be stealin' m' blade of grass! Me blade o' grass be me precious friend named Snowball!" Mia raised her eyebrow and then she continued to tip-toe back to the tunnel when she saw a strange stone on the table. She then realized it was a talisman, a stone that would improve magical resistance. Mia decided to steal that as well before leaving the cabin and when she was back outside she skipped back to where her surfboard was. By this time, all of the mercenaries had arrived at the beach. Ike, Marcia, Boyd, and Oscar were playing beach volleyball, still in their fighting clothes and armour. Titania was talking to a bunch of moray eels, Rhys was drinking a bottle of rum that he dug up; and Mist was eating a mento and then chugging down a cup of diet coke next to Ilyana, who was eating the sand. And of course, foam exploded out of Mist's mouth. Lenora and Rolf were talking to each other like pirates and Soren was negotiating with the real pirates. Lethe and Mordecai were in a catfight. Mia was surfing in the water again when the shark came back.

"So you have found me some Cajun seafood?" he asked.

"Yeah, dude! Here it is!" Mia presented the jar of soup.

"You damned imbecile! I told you to find me Cajun seafood, not Cajun seafood soup!"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'll just drink it, then…" and so Mia chugged down half of the bottle in less than a second.

"No!! I still want the soup!"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'll just let you drink the other half…" and so Mia chugged down the rest of the soup in more than a million years-cough cough- less than a second.

"NO!! You are an imbecile! You have stolen my food! Bandit! Bandit! I _keel_ you!! I turn you into the Cajun seafood that is rightfully mine!"

"Dude, I _accidentally_ drank the rest!" Mia yelled as she quickly rode a wave that carried her back to land.

"Bitch! You damn dolphin! I _keel _you one of these days!! I _keel _you!!"

"Oh, shut-up!"

Meanwhile, Soren was having some trouble negotiating with the pirates: "Listen, I have told you many times that I don't know what you are saying to me."

"I don't understand ye!"

"This is getting nowhere. I'm going to bring someone who can translate for us. Just wait right here." said Soren as he went in the direction where Lenora and Rolf were having a philosophical conversation while talking like pirates.

"Where ye be runnin' ye scurvy bilge rat?" a pirate rasped at Soren.

"Oh, dear Ashera… LENORA!! ROLF!! GET OVER HERE!!" Soren yelled. Lenora and Rolf immediately came charging in Soren's direction.

"What is it ye be needin', Soren?" asked Lenora.

"Yarr! Who be these scurvy scallywags?" Rolf narrowed his eyes at the pirates warily.

"…Uh, what?" Soren's face was vacant.

"Oh, sorry, Soren! So what is it?" Lenora asked Soren who replied,

"I need you and Rolf to translate for us."

"Oh, okay. So what do you want me to tell them?"

"Tell them that this beach belongs to us mercenaries for now and that they should come back when we're done using it."

"Okay. Hey, bilge rats!"

"What is it, ye wench?"

"This beach be the beach of us mercenaries until we're done. So go pull up the anchor and scuttle off, ye dumb dungeon dogs!"

"Yarr! Ye heard the lass!" Rolf added.

"Yar har ho! We don't give up our beach for government scum! Scallywags of the sea are we! We fight for our land if ye won't give it up!" a pirate replied.

"What did he say?" Soren asked Rolf.

"They won't let us play on the beach."

"Hold it! I have an idea!" exclaimed Lenora.

"What is it?" Soren replied.

"I'll try and change the subject. Now, watch: Hey, scurvy worms! Have ye ever heard of rubber chickens?"

"What in the briny beard of Shanty Pete is a rubber chicken?" asked a pirate.

"It's a toy/weapon that can be used fer wardin' off soldiers of Daein. The mangy dogs be crawlin' all over the shores these days and it be suicide to be settin' sail wit'out one. We have an extra rubber chicken. Care to take it with ye if ye agree to leave this beach?"

"A rubber chicken ain't a type of chicken is it?" a pirate asked.

"It's not really alive, it's an object. But there be some kelp-brained scallywags who believe that they are. But these Daein soldiers are scared of these things! You won't believe how many times them rubber chickens saved our hides. So what do ye say? Will ye take up me offer?"

"…Prove it, little wench."

"All right, then… HEY DAEIN SOLDIERS, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

"WHO'S THERE?!"

"A CRIMEAN MERCENARY WITH A RUBBER CHICKEN!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT A RUBBER CHICKEN!!" Daein soldiers began screaming,

"OH SHIT, OH, SHIT, OH, SHIT, OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" and so all of the Daein soldiers fled the area.

"HEY, YOU FORGOT THE CUPCAKES THAT ILYANA AND I BAKED FOR YOU ALL!!" Mist hollered.

"Shut-up Mist, you moron, you!" Ike shouted as the leather ball that was stuffed with more leather and gravel hit his head and landed on the ground. "Aw, you bitch! Now because of you the other team is winning!"

"Well, pirates? What do ye think about rubber chickens now?" Lenora put her hands on her hips.

"Excellent! Superb!...Arr!" said a pirate.

"Give us ye rubber chicken, smartly!" said another one.

"Ye have to dig it up! We buried it somewhere an' forgot where it is! But me be thinkin' that it be near where the priest is liquoring hisself up!" Lenora replied, pointing to Rhys, who was still drinking that huge bottle of rum.

"Oi! That be me bottle o' rum he be stealin'!" shouted a pirate.

"Oh, no! Rhys! Think of something quick!" Lenora shouted.

"Ummm…I'm just keeping your rum safe for you!" Rhys quickly said.

"What did ye say?"

"He says he be keeping yer rum safe for ye by storin' it in his stomach! He can vomit it up!" Rolf answered him.

"…Well, then vomit me rum back into the bottle!" the pirate ordered.

"B-but that's impossible!" replied Rhys.

"Then either ye buy me a new bottle o' rum or ye walk the plank!"

"Ah! Uhhh…I'll…just…think…"

"He says he can't vomit the rum up unless there be no rubber chickens or pirates within ten-thousand miles of him and after he vomits the rum ye pirates will be needin' to stay a long ways away from him for a year or so." Lenora said.

"Hmmm…okay! Well then, get back in the ship, ye scurvy bilge rats! Make haste! We must get as far away from this rum stealin' scallywag as possible!" shouted the pirate captain, and soon, the beach was pirate-free. Well, except for the pirate Cat that Mia stole Cajun seafood and a talisman from.

"Those pirates are complete idiots." said Lenora.

"I know! I can't believe that they actually fell for our stupid excuses for lies!" Rolf agreed.

"All righ', I ca' drink th' rest o' th' rum!" cheered Rhys.

"Rhys, you are a sick, sick priest." Lenora said to the drunken healer.

Meanwhile while Ike, Boyd, Oscar, and Marcia were still playing volleyball; Lethe and Mordecai approached them. "Huh? What is it?" asked Ike.

"We should leave now. We've spent enough time here and we should be getting to Gallia Castle." said Lethe.

"Okay!" replied Ike. "EVERYONE IT'S TIME TO GO!!" he yelled. Soon, all of the mercenaries were rallied in one group at the beach. "Soren, take roll!" Ike said.

"Okay, then. Um, Titania." Soren muttered.

"Whose name did he call out?" asked Marcia.

"Titania." said Soren.

"I'm here." Titania answered.

"Lenora."

"Whose name?" asked Mia.

"I said Lenora!"

"I be here! I have arrived from a pillage! I have driven off millions of scurvy scallywags! They learned not to be messin' with-"

"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!! THERE'S A PIRATE NEARBY!!" Mist freaked out and started foaming at the mouth _again_.

"Oh crap, now I have to give you _more _medicine." Rhys sighed. (There's no telling how he became sober so quickly)

"Oscar." Soren started muttering again.

"What? I didn't hear you!" Exclaimed Mia.

"OSCAR!!" Soren yelled.

"Ah! Uh, I'm here! I'm here!" Oscar stuttered.

"Boyd." Soren said quietly.

"What?" asked Mia.

"Oh, that's it. Ike or Titania, you take roll!" Soren yelled.

"Okay!" Ike replied. And so he called out everyone's names and everyone was present, so he, his mercenaries, and the two Laguz continued on to Gallia Castle.

At Gallia Castle, stupid Elincia was bugging Ike until she let him and his group enter the castle and they all went to the throne room where King Caineghis was waiting for them. "Um… Hey there." Ike muttered.

"Thank you for coming to Gallia Palace. I am Caineghis, ruler of the kingdom of Gallia." the king replied. After a few talking Lethe, Mordecai, and all of the mercenaries except for Soren and Titania had to leave the room.

After Lenora was assigned to a room with Mia and Titania, she walked down a hallway and she didn't realize that she was walking past the throne room until she heard Ike screaming, "OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP!!" Lenora laughed to herself and continued to explore the castle. She walked into a courtyard where Mia, Ilyana, and Marcia were in an argument.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Lenora asked them.

"Ilyana asked me for some food and I started cursing at her because I'm still angry about that time when we had to do all of that stupid hunting for her for nothing! And Marcia is taking her side!" Mia yelled.

"Oh, I am _so _on your side, Mia! Ilyana, you are a bitch, and Marcia, just for becoming friends with that little motherfucker you're a bitch, too!" said Lenora.

"Fine, then! I'm not going to be friends with someone who likes to talk like a stupid ugly boat-monkey anyway!" replied Marcia.

"Well at least I'm not all pink-haired and preppy like you! And that stupid pegasus is annoying! You look exactly like the ultimate girly warrior! My gosh, you piss me off already!" Lenora retorted.

"Come on, Ilyana! Let's go see what they have at the mess hall!" said Marcia as she led Ilyana away from Lenora and Mia.

"I can't stand her!" Exclaimed Mia.

"And I was beginning to like everyone in the mercenary group until the pig and the pink poppet came along!" replied Lenora.

"And Soren, right? But then again I see you two hanging out a lot."

"Believe it or not, but he's my friend too."

"Really? That's odd. Is it because you two are spirit charmers?"

"Uh, yeah. He's always bothering me with these questions about my unique ability and he's always coming up with these theories on how I was able to charm a spirit to grant my sword power."

"Wow. A mean and dark pessimist is actually acting like a little kid who looks up to you?"

"Ha-ha…yeah."


	11. Chapter Ten: Prisoner Relief

Chapter Ten. Prisoner Relief

**I have three words for you: Crazy, Weird, and Random. **

Lenora ran through a sunflower garden that was full of dead rubber chickens that were lying around. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!" she was screaming, "It's too bright! It's too bright! IT'S TOO BRIGHT!!!" Suddenly Ilyana popped out of the ground nearby.

"You know, I can eat them all for you. I can lick my elbow." she said in her soft, hissy voice.

"Never! I will never trust an enemy!" Lenora replied, and so she continued to run as fast as she could. The garden's perimeter was about the size of a castle, so it took a while for her to reach the exit.

When she did, Soren was out there waiting for her and saying, "I can fly, but you should have trusted Ilyana."

"Hell, no! I hate that fucker's guts!"

"But here it doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

"Because Lethe said so."

"And why would someone like you pay attention to Lethe?"

"I felt like it."

"Stop talking bullshit!"

"No, you stop talking bullshit!"

"Why don't you wake up already!!!" screamed Mia's voice, but Lenora couldn't see Mia anywhere.

"Whoa! Did you hear that?" she exclaimed.

"Yes," replied Soren, "it's the apostle of Begnion I believe."

"What?!"

"Lenora!!! Wake up already!" Mia's voice sounded again.

"Where is the apostle?" Lenora asked Soren.

"She's in the sky." So Lenora looked up, but she didn't see anyone.

"No, she's not."

"Well, just go live in a cave."

"What the crap?"

"WAKE UP!!!" Mia screamed. Lenora jolted up out of bed. She was no longer in a field next to the giant garden of sunflowers and rubber chickens, but was suddenly in her room in Gallia Castle. Instead of standing in front of Soren she was sitting on her bed in front of Mia. She then realized that she had been dreaming.

"What is it, Mia?" she asked.

"Finally! I've been trying to wake you up for a while! Dear Ashera you're bad in the mornings!"

"Oh, sorry. Are we leaving today, or what?"

"Yeah. Titania just told me that we have to sneak back to Crimea to find a ship that will take us to Begnion. You see, we're going to need their help to defeat Daein because Gallia's elders won't approve of lending help to Crimea. At least not yet."

"Well, that's a nice way to help an ally."

"Yeah, well, hurry up and get ready because we're leaving in an hour."

"Okay, then."

Soon, the mercenaries were all gathered at the entrance of Gallia Castle. Ike took roll and then he yelled, "Okay, Greil Mercenaries! Move out!" After a few hours of traveling, the group came to a castle. Lenora heard Ike, Ranulf, and Elincia discussing it and so she knew why Ike was leading everyone into the castle's dungeons.

"The question now is how do you open these cells and free the prisoners?" said Ranulf when everyone was inside.

"The cells are certain to be locked, so in order to open them-"

"Logic would dictate that the keys will be in possession of the jailer. We've no choice but to steal them. If-"

"Oh, no you don't!" Ike cut Soren off.

"Excuse me?" replied Soren in a snobby voice.

"I'm not letting you give me seizure with an overly long explanation! I already know that we have to steal the keys!"

"Hey! You there!" Ranulf yelled at some strange shady-looking guy who was approaching them.

"I have business with Sir Greil. Where is he?" the stranger demanded.

"You're sorely lacking in social etiquette, aren't you? State your business." Soren ordered him.

"I'll speak with Sir Greil and Sir Greil alone. Now take me to him." the man insisted.

"What you ask is impossible. Commander Greil is dead." Titania said to him.

"Well. That is a problem." the man replied.

"Just who are you, anyway?" Titania asked.

"Call me Volke. Sir Greil hired me. I'm in…intelligence."

"My father hired you?"

"You are Sir Greil's son, correct? You'll do. Sir Greil hired me to investigate something. You pay my price, and I'll give you my report. Deal?"

"How much?"  
"Fifty thousand gold."  
"OH MY GODDESS!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"And worth every penny." Volke replied.

"I don't have that much… Give me some time."  
"So, you're willing to pay?"

"My father hired you. So according to my calculations he must have had a good reason." Ike replied, trying to act like a smart-ass.

"Are you sure, Commander? We have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth." Titania warned him.

"We'll know when we see the contents of that report. Until then, let's have him travel with us."

"I'm not waiting for that long! Look, just call me when you've got the gold. You should be able to find me in pretty much any tavern."

"Hold a moment!" Soren grabbed Volke's shoulder as he tried to leave, "Intelligence… You said you were in intelligence, right? Is information the only thing you sell?"

"Come out with it. What are you asking?"

"I would like to know if you were selling any rubber chickens, and if you can open locks." Soren replied.

Volke raised his eyebrow, "I can open locks for fifty gold per lock, but what is a rubber chicken?"

"Nevermind."

"Soren, you're going to have him open the cell doors?" Ike dumbly asked him.

"Is that wise?" Titania was still suspicious, "We've only just met him. There's no telling if we can trust him."

"…Volke, will you help us break into these cells?" Ike begged Volke with puppy eyes.

"Ah! Don't do that, you creep! But as long as I get paid to unlock the doors, I've no complaint."

"Righto! I'm off to see the wizard!"

"What?! Hey wait, Ranulf! What the crap are you talking about?!" Ike exclaimed.

"The wonderful wizard of Oz is who I need to talk to! I was told to lead you all here and then I would go and speak with the wizard of Oz!" Ranulf replied.

"Hmm… Okay! Well, good luck to you then."

"Yes, and to you as well!" and so then Ranulf scampered away.

"Well then… We all need to sneak through the place so that the enemy doesn't call reinforcements."

"What the crap is that noise?" Lenora asked.

"Yeah, what _is _that?" Mia wondered.

"It sounds creepy!" cried Rolf.

"Don't worry Rolf, I'll protect you!" Boyd gloated.

"I wish Frederick were here. This agonized laughter sounds scary!" Ike uttered.

"Ike, do you have any idea what that is? After all you are the expert on monsters." said Mist.

"I really have no idea what monster this thing is." Ike replied.

"I can go and check it out if you like. After all, I'm very stealthy." boasted Volke.

"And I can kill anything in heartbeat." said Titania.

"And don't forget my awesome magic!" exclaimed Lenora.

"Mordecai and I are both very strong. Send us as well." said Lethe.

"Okay! You all go, then!" replied Ike.

"Follow me, everyone," whispered Volke, "be very quiet. We're going mysterious sound hunting." And then he began to tip-toe along the stone ground. The exploring party then came to a cell were a bishop with long black hair was being tickled with a feather by a Daein soldier.

"Tell me who you work for!" the guard demanded.

"AH-HA-HA-HA! I'm-AH-HA-not-AH-HA-gonna-HA-HA-HA-_HAAAAAAAAAA_-tell ya-AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAOHDEARASHERASAVEMEAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!"

"Oh my gosh, this is brutal!" exclaimed Titania.

"We must save this guy!" Mordecai agreed.

"Let's pick the lock of the door then. Well Volke, this is a job for you." said Lenora.

"Right, then." replied Volke as he picked the lock. He then put a dagger to the guard's throat. "Say a word and I'll slit your throat open." he coolly threatened.

"I'll play dead and not make any movements." the soldier replied.

"Sorry, I'm not going to fall for that." said Volke as he slashed the Daein soldier's neck, making blood squirt everywhere. "Well, he's dead now."

"Thank you very much for saving me from that vile torture. However, I'm a little upset that you got my robe stained with a bit of that man's blood as well." the snobby healer complained to his rescuers.

"Oh shut-up, why don't you?" said Lenora. Titania had gone back to tell Ike and the others what happened and so they soon joined them.

"Hey bishop, you should escape while we save the rest of the prisoners." Ike told him.

"Well… Okay then…" the bishop replied, but he just started staring at the wall.

Ike shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, let's continue searching."

Just then a Daein soldier saw them and was yelling, "Gwaah! Enemy soldiers!"

"Oh, crap!" yelled Ike, "Mia, Mordecai, Marcia, and Boyd, I'm trusting you to protect Mist and Rhys!" Soon the dungeon had a bunch of Daein soldiers running in the direction of the mercenaries. The mercenaries that weren't protecting the two healers ran wild and started battling the Daein sods.

Not many enemies were able to get to the healers and the ones guarding them; so Boyd, Mordecai, Mist, and Rhys had to listen to Mia and Marcia insulting each other: "Stupid pink-haired preppy bitch!"

"Stupid bitch who follows the stupid boat-monkey around! And she's a creepy spirit-charmer, too!"

"At least she isn't girly or a motherfucker who tricks people into exhausting the shit out of themselves all for nothing!"

"Well at least _I'm _not a boat-monkey's groveler!"

"_What _did you say, you shit-headed motherfucker pink poppet Barbie girl?!"

"You-um-uh-you-uh…"

"Ha! You can't think of anything! You can't even insult me because there's nothing bad or stupid about me!" Just then a Daein soldier charged at them.

"Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhhhh!!! Glory to Daein!!!" he shouted.

"I'll kill him!" declared Mia.

"No, _I'll _kill him!"

"No, _I'll _kill him!"

"No, _I _WILL!!!"

"No, he's _MY _KILL!!!"

"CLEAVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Roared Mist.

"Shut-up Mist, you moron, you!" Ike, who was nearby, yelled at her. Mist just stuck her tongue out at him. The Daein soldier stupidly stood there and watched to Mia, Marcia, Ike, and Mist argue. Boyd got annoyed **(hey, that rhymes!)** at the idle enemy so he went over and chopped off his head. Mia and Marcia stopped yelling, looked at the dead Daein soldier, looked at Boyd, and then they both spazzed out and charged at him.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!" Marcia shouted.

"YOU SHIT-HEAD!!!!!!!!" Mia thundered.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Boyd screamed bloody murder as the two berserk girls dropped their weapons and chased after him trying to beat him to a bloody pulp. They ran around the dungeon and brought insanity wherever they went. Ike panicked and started tap-dancing which made the Daein soldiers die, Lenora started cursing in French, German, Spanish, Danish, Indian, Brazilian, Norwegian, English, Gaelic, and Antarctic, Soren started singing about yellow puppies, Titania was playing Hop-scotch with Oscar while their horses were trying to act like jackasses, Rolf was chicken-dancing, Rhys was looking for a shovel so that he could dig for rum or a dead cow, Mist was lecturing Mordecai on the importance of not being seen**(If you've seen this Monty Python skit, than you'd get it)**, Lethe was singing, "I don't understand you", Ilyana was trying to eat Marcia's pegasus which was trying to sound like a jackass, Volke was skipping around the dungeon and singing carols, and the bishop was reciting a poem about singing caterpillars. The remaining prisoners only got half of the impact of the insanity because Mia, Marcia, and Boyd weren't able to get close enough to them because of the bars. A prisoner who was a golem was telling a rock to shut-up and a red-haired knight was gloating about how when he was one year old he was able to write a song about General Petrine prancing around in a meadow like an idiot. In another prison cell, a female knight was looking for a cell phone, regardless of the fact that she didn't even know what a cell phone was. The strange bishop had the strongest mind of everyone else so he recovered from the insanity, but the three berserk mercenaries ran past him so he continued to recite the eraser poem. After another fifteen minutes he recovered again this time was able to return sanity to the entire dungeon by throwing a glass jar full of insanity fairies at the wall. The jar shattered and freed the insanity fairies. They all began to sing:

_Insanity, insanity, come to me, now,_

_You are my power and so you shall leave your vessels,_

_Don't make me have to prove that you're a fat cow!_

_Insanity, insanity, insanity,_

_Come to us who hold insanity's power,_

_We are the most insane out of this entire city!_

_Insanity, insanity, we are the most insane of the world, in fact, _

_So come to us, and follow us to the dream world,_

_Where we can freely and wreak havoc so let us make a pact!_

After hearing this song that the insanity fairies sung, all of the insanity left the mercenaries alone and the fairies took the insanity and turned it into their magic. "We're out of here!" exclaimed an insanity fairy.

"Let's go to a more chaotic realm!" cackled another, and so the insanity fairies all warped to some other world.

"Wow. We're sane again. Thank Ashera." panted Ike.

"Well…now that the Daein soldiers are gone, we can free all of the other prisoners…" uttered Titania.

"Yeah…do your thing, Volke." Ike said.

"Yes, sir." and so Volke freed a knight, a golem, and a horse-rider.

"I'm an awesome Crimean soldier!" said the horse-rider. Just then, stupid Princess Elincia came into the dungeon.

"Hey, Elincia! You came here right on time! I've brought one of the Crimean soldiers who was being held prisoner."

"…I'm sure you are unaware of this, but I am…"

"Princess Elincia!" the knight blurted out.

"Oh…yes. Quite right."

"I am Kieran! I served under General Geoffrey, as leader of Crimea's fifth platoon. My platoon had the honor of escorting you from the palace during Daein's attack!"

"Really? You were there when…"

"I was! Lord Renning ordered my platoon to accompany General Geoffrey and serve as your escort. Our mission was to see you safely out of Crimea to Gallia's king. But we-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP, PLEEAAASE!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"What the…?" Kieran raised his eyebrow.

"You'll get used to it." Titania sighed.

"Ahem! Well, now we all know where Kieran stands… How about you two? Will you recognize Princess Elincia as the rightful heir to the Crimean throne? Will you fight for her?" Ike said after recovering.

The golem replied in a hillbilly accent, "My name's Brom and this lass is Nephenee. I'm scared of the Daein soldiers, meaning I hate their guts. So I'll fight for you!"

"If you can defeat the king of Daein, will this country return to the way it used to be? Is that what you're after?" Nephenee asked, also in a hillbilly accent.

"It is my hope. I may not be as powerful as my father, but I will never abandon Crimea." Elincia solemnly replied.

"You sound like a lady who stands by her word. Looks like my choice is easy!" exclaimed Brom.

"Mine too." said Nephenee.

"Thank you." replied Elincia. Just then, Ike noticed the strange bishop who saved everyone from the insanity.

"You're…" Ike trailed off.

"O blessed saint…" Nephenee said in a dramatic voice.

"Master Sephiran! You live!" said Brom.

"Brom, Nephenee… Are either of you wounded?"

"We're fine, but what about you? You were jailed for helping us… I'm sorry! Oh, I hope they didn't hurt you!"

"Well…I'm fine, now. Everyone is safe, and that is what matters." Sephiran replied.

"O blessed one…" Nephenee rambled on.

Lenora was taking a breather and watching Ike talk with the weird priest. Then Sephiran left. Soon, Ike was talking with Soren, Titania, and Volke. Just then, Ranulf showed up.

"Ranulf! You're back already!" Ike exclaimed.

"Yeah, the thing is, I had trouble finding the yellow brick road…so… here I am!" Lenora was listening to Ike and Ranulf talking when Soren approached her.

"Hello, Lenora."

"Oh hello, Soren."

"We have some dangerous days ahead of us. We'd better get a lot of rest."

"Yeah, but I really don't want to go to Begnion. I've been there before. It's a terrible place."

"I know. I've read about it in books. I can imagine what that place is like."

"Soren, do you really think that we'll be able to find a ship that would take us to Begnion? Don't you think we'll be caught?"

"There are no other options."

"So it looks like if the Daein soldiers catch us we'll have to fight our hearts out."

"That seems to be the case."

"Lenora and Soren love each other!" Mia, Mist, and Rolf sang at the same time.

"Ah! YOU ABSURD MORONS!!!!!" Lenora shouted and started chasing them around. Soren blushed and watched his friend chase the three Beorc around the field. Marcia and Ilyana watched them and started plotting something.

"He-he-he. We'll make that Lenora and her bitches go insane once we get to Port Toha." Ilyana cackled in an evil voice.

"Oh yes, Ilyana. This will be fun." Marcia cackled in response. And the two wierdos cackled and cackled and cackled well into the night.


	12. Blood Runs When One Goes Insane

Chapter Eleven. Blood Runs When One Goes Insane

**Kinda stupid, kinda hilarious, but here's the next chapter. **

"All right, Greil Mercenaries, while Ranulf and Titania and I look for a ship you're all free to explore the town." Ike said to everyone at the entrance of Port Toha.

"All right! Come on, Boyd! Let's see if we can sell that type of ale we've been concocting!" Mist exclaimed as she and Boyd started setting up a stall with barrels of ale. Rhys, Rolf and Oscar took Elincia to stroll around the town while Lethe went to go chase rodents, Mordecai was hanging out in the forest, Volke went into a pub, Marcia and Ilyana ran off somewhere, Brom and Nephenee were walking around the town and Kieran was looking for Oscar and Elincia. Lenora and Mia were dragging Soren to walk around the town with them.

"Argh! I don't want to go with you two! And I'm surprised that Ike isn't bringing me with him, Titania, and Ranulf!"

"You don't want to come with us because _I'm_ here. You'd come if it was just you and Lenora, wouldn't you?" Mia replied as she and Lenora pulled him along the street.

"Don't be an idiot!" Soren and Lenora yelled at the same time. They both shot each other an evil glare.

"Oh, come _on_! Why do you two always hang out with each other?"

"Because I'm fascinated with her abilities!"

"What he said!"

"But don't you two like each other even more than just fellow spirit charmers?"

"Shut-up, you girly imbecile! You're starting to act like the pink poppet!" Lenora snarled.

"Don't compare me to that skinny piggy motherfucker's toady!!!" Mia boomed.

"Then don't act like her!"

"I'm not going to tag along with you two if you're going to argue the entire way!" shouted Soren.

"All right, all right! Mia, just shut up and keep dragging Soren!"

"Okay!"

"Ah! No! And don't let Ike catch you stealing his word and stupid and dumb tone of voice!" yelled Soren. Just then; Marcia and Ilyana approached Lenora, Mia, and Soren.

"Oh shit, it's the pig and the pink poppet!" Lenora cried.

"Very funny. So it's the boat-monkey, the hot-headed groveler, and the bastardly whelp." taunted Marcia.

"Is that seriously the best that you could think of? Our insults are better." Mia countered.

"We have a little challenge for the three of you." said Ilyana.

"Yeah, and what is it?" Lenora put her hands on her hips.

"You must find a bag of soil that we have hidden throughout the town. If you don't find it by the time we have to leave this port, you all must hunt for ten elks, and then you must chicken-dance around the pile of ten elks in front of five people that you know."

"That is not a fair bargain." said Soren.

"How so, little brat?" asked Marcia.

"Finding a small bag that you hid in a town is like finding a needle in a haystack. You can't bet something so…major."

"Well then, you little smart-ass. How about this then: If the three of you lose, Boat-monkey and Bastardly Whelp, you two have to admit to everyone in the mercenary group that you love each other. And Hot-headed Groveler, you have to hunt three elks for Illyana." replied Marcia.

"Oh, that is _sooooo_ still unfair!" replied Mia.

"How about you hunt two elks for me, then?" asked Ilyana.

"One elk."

"Fine, then."

"And how about you two?" Marcia folded her arms as she looked at Lenora and Soren.

"Uh, no way. And we're just friends for Ashera's sake." said Lenora.

"Then an alternative could be that you two can kiss each other if you lose." Marcia evilly replied.

"I'm going with the other option, then!" Lenora scowled.

"So remember, then," Ilyana was saying, "If you three lose then Boat-monkey and Bastardly Whelp will have to admit that they've fallen in love with each other and Hot-headed Groveler will have to hunt an elk for me. Well then, let the scavenger hunt begin!" Lenora, Mia, and Soren, immediately jolted into running positions and hurtled down the street and split up into random shops and buildings and alleyways, looking for the hidden bag. Ilyana watched them desperately search for the bag and chuckled demonically, "They'll _never _find the bag, because there _is _no bag of soil! Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa!"

An hour later Lenora, Soren, and Mia still couldn't find the necklace. "Shit, man! I can't find that damned bag!" Lenora cursed.

"I don't want people to think I'm something that I'm not!!!" screamed Soren.

"I don't want hunt for another fucked up elk!" sobbed Mia, "What areas have we not searched yet, Soren?"

"The northeast corner of the town. Let's go look there."

"Quickly, now!" said Lenora as she and her friends ran as fast as they could to the northeast corner of Port Toha. Lenora was looking in a barrel when a rock fell on her back. "Ah! WHO THE FUCK DROPPED A ROCK ON MY BACK?!?!?!" Lenora shouted. At the top of one of the buildings a pink-haired girly pegasus knight cackled and giggled to herself. Soren went to a market stall and asked the shopkeeper, "Have you by any chance seen a small little pouch lying around anywhere?"

"A small pouch, you say?"

"Yes. Have you seen it?"

"I've seen it." said a mysterious voice. Soren turned to the source and saw a young woman who was in a hooded robe.

"Where is it?"

"I saw it in the bottom of a barrel of water. Follow me. It's right over there." she pointed to an open barrel that was filled with water.

"Uh…who does the barrel belong to?"

"It belongs to me. I saw a girl with long silvery-purple hair put it in there."

"Thank you. May I retrieve the bag?"

"Yes… go ahead." so Soren put his hands on either side of the barrel and peered into it.

"But there's noth- Aah-!" _Sploosh!_ The young woman dunked Soren's head into the barrel, put her hood down to reveal long silvery-purple hair and skipped away laughing. Soren hauled his head out of the barrel, making water splash and spray behind him and onto a few villagers. "ILYANA, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!" Soren thundered and chased the mage girl whom he saw rounding the corner of the street, his soaked long bangs clung to his face and that annoyed him even more. Not mention that the rest of his wet long hair clung to his back and made him feel like a weird creature was clinging to his back, so he felt very uncomfortable as he charged down the street and ignored the curious, somewhat furious on-lookers. Meanwhile Mia was searching for the bag of soil in whatever nook and cranny she could find. She looked in windowsills, in markets, in barrels, and in one of her shoes.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T FIND THAT DAMNED BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.

"Try looking this way." said someone who tapped Mia's shoulder.

"WHAT!... AH!-OOMPH!!!" Marcia did a cool-looking round-house kick on Mia's flank, making her fly to the side and crash into a building. "OUCH!!! MARCIA, I MOST DEFINITELY WILL MURDER YOU!!!!!!!" Mia then chased after Marcia. Lenora was now the only one staying on task and knew it was a hopeless case, so she gave up and started looking for either Marcia or Ilyana to help chase. Meanwhile; Soren, Mia, Marcia, and Ilyana met at a crossroads and Soren and Mia went one way while Marcia and Ilyana went the other way.

"Hold, on a second!" exclaimed Soren.

"Ah! What the crap?!" yelled Mia, and she and Soren immediately turned around and ran into the street where they could see Marcia and Illyana running in the opposite direction. After a while, Lenora joined up them and so all five of the happy sworn enemies were dashing through the streets of Port Toha and disrupting the peaceful lifestyle of these ignorant idiots.

While this was going on, all of the other mercenaries were assembled in about an acre of free land because Ranulf had found a ship captain who was willing to take them to Begnion. Just then a girl crashed into Ranulf and made his hood fall down, revealing his Cat ears. And like a chain-reaction, people swarmed and started trying to kill Ranulf! Ike rushed in and tried to help him, but he was soon surrounded as well. Vigilantes and, you guessed it, Daein soldiers joined the chaos. "It looks like we have no choice but to kill all of these fools! Greil Mercenaries! Attack!" Ike shouted over the commotion. And immediately the battle broke out. The fighting was fierce and dramatic. Villagers were killed, and the Daein soldiers sung happy songs in their sorrow. Ike and Boyd were having a hard time fighting off a bunch of horse riders that were coming in from a bridge to the north. And out of a house to the left; Lenora, Soren, Mia, Marcia, and Ilyana burst through the wall and saw the fighting.

"Oh…crap. Soren and Mia, we'd better go help Ike and Boyd over there." said Lenora.

"Ilyana, let's go help Kieran, Volke, and Rolf over there." said Marcia.

"Uh, huh!" replied Ilyana.

"Where the hell were you five?" Ike asked Lenora, Soren, and Mia as he started throwing rocks at a horse-rider.

"We were in a…little battle of our own." Lenora replied as she shot ice blades at the enemy.

"Well at least you three have come to save the day!" exclaimed Boyd as he threw a hand-axe at the same enemy, killing him. Soren shot kick-ass deadly magic spell at another

horse-rider and immediately killed him. Ike and Mia worked together to kill another enemy and Lenora killed the last one on her own. Just then, The Black Knight came out of the small house that was on the land across the bridge.

"Oh, crap it's the king of golems!" cried Lenora.

"Lenora, I had no idea that you knew a lot about monsters too!" exclaimed Mist.

"Ah! When did you get here?" Lenora asked, startled.

"But I didn't know that the golem king lived in Port Toha…" Ike pondered.

"Who cares? We still have to kill that stupid son of a-"

"You cannot kill me." said The Black Knight.

"Oh but I will, golem king, for you killed my father!" Ike shouted and charged at him.

"Ike, no! Don't be an imbecile! You know that none of us can hurt him!"

"I don't care! I have to kill him!" Ike stubbornly retorted. Just then he noticed something in the bushes, "Eh? What's this?" Ike pulled it out to reveal…(drum roll)…a rubber chicken! "FREDERICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE COME BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY DEAR _FREDERICK_!!!!!!" Ike screamed with joy and cuddled with his rubber chicken.

"…So you have obtained a rubber chicken…" The Black Knight uttered. Then he yelled, "RETREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS GUY HAS GOT A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and in a flash, the frightened Daein soldiers ambled out of Port Toha.

"Oh, my gosh. You have that stupid rubber chicken with you again?" Lenora asked, flabbergasted and somewhat annoyed.

"Yes, my Frederick has come back…" Ike was still snuggling with Frederick.

Titania came riding up to them and when she saw Frederick she screamed bloody murder, "OH DEAR ASHERA WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAVE US WITH _THAT _STUPID THING?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU COULD HAVE SENT STUFFED ANIMALS TO FALL ON OUR ENEMIES _BUT YOU HAD TO SEND THAT STUPID RUBBER CHICKEN_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Aw, Titania...why do you still hate Frederick's guts? You've hurt his feelings. Aw… STOP CRYING!!!" Ike shouted.

"We should get to the ship…" said Soren.

"Ah, yes, to Begnion!" Ike replied and led his mercenaries to the ship. Their captain, Nasir, was waiting at the dock for them.

"AH!!!" he and Ike both yelled and pointed to each other at the same time. They then both gave each other an evil glare.

"It's the creep!" shouted Ike.

"It's the pirate!" shouted Nasir.

"You two know each other?" asked Titania.

"We met each other way back at Port Talma and the creep accused me of being a pirate!" Ike exclaimed.

"Well he looked like one!" Nasir said when Titania looked at him.

"Oh, well, let's just get on board, already." said Ike as he and the rest of the mercenaries boarded the creep's ship. Soon they set sail for Begnion.

**Ha! You thought Frederick would never be in the story anymore, didn't you? Well, he's back!**


	13. A Strange Landmark

Chapter Twelve. A Strange Landmark

It was a bright new morning in the creep's ship and Ike was loitering around on the deck when he saw a man with silvery-purple-blue hair who looked like a myrmidon standing around nearby. "You're not related to Ilyana, are you?" Ike asked him.

"Whoever is Illyana?" the man replied.

"A member of my mercenary group. She also has silvery hair. And I think a couple of my subordinates hold a grudge against her about food or something like that. So are you one of the crewmen, or what?"

"Actually, I'm part of your mercenary group."

"WHAT?! But I've never even seen you before!"

"That's because I joined you all at Port Toha. I want to protect the Laguz. When I saw those Laguz in your group, I decided that my path was to join you all."

"_Oooh_, I see now… Welcome to the circle!"

"Uh…thank you."

"So what's your name?"

"Zihark. Yours?"

"Ike. I am the commander of the Greil Mercenaries."

Meanwhile; Lenora, Soren, Mia, Boyd, and Rolf were in a room in the ship when Ilyana and Marcia came in. "Ah, there you three are." said Ilyana, "I'm assuming that you didn't find the bag of soil. Am I correct?" There was a dead silence and Ilyana cackled, "It looks like the three of you have a part of our bargain to pay." Lenora, Soren, and Mia groaned in agony. Ilyana and Marcia laughed maniacally.

"Hey, Boat-monkey and Bastardly Whelp. You two can start with those two." Marcia pointed at Boyd and Rolf.

"Huh? What are they gonna do?" Boyd asked dumbly.

"Ah…um…uh…" Lenora trailed off.

"Well, go on." Ilyana chuckled evilly.

"Uh…um…BANANAMELONSTRAWBERRYBARBECUEDTATERTOTS!!!!!!!" Lenora screeched before running out of the room and dragging Soren with her.

"Uh…what is going on here?" Boyd asked.

"We lost a bet. Well, at least I won't have to go and hunt for a stupid elk until a few months pass." replied Mia.

"Actually, because we're at sea, you must hunt a shark for me." Ilyana said. (Oh yeah, I made her say a rhyme!)

"Oh, you motherfucker!" Mia then stomped out of the room in search of something she could use as a fishing pole.

Meanwhile, Lenora and Soren were running as fast as they could until they came to the deck. "Whew, that was close!" exclaimed Lenora.

"I don't think that there is any avoiding those two. I knew I shouldn't have let you and Mia get me mixed up in all this!" growled Soren.

"Oh, _relax_. We can always tell them that Marcia and Ilyana made us say this."

"Do you really think that they'll believe us?"

"Well, they might."

"Ugh, I can't believe that I'm going to be very embarrassed soon."

"Well, it could have been worse."

"Quiet, you. What they want me to say is very bad."

"Perhaps we should think of something else that the pig and the pink poppet will accept." Lenora suggested.

"Hm?" Soren said, looking past Lenora toward the water.

"What is it, Soren?"

"Look, there's a shark following us."

"Really?" Lenora walked up to the railing and leaned on it, "Oh yeah, there it is! I wonder why it seems to be following us…"

"Hey! I have seen you two before!" said the shark.

"Whoa! It talks!" exclaimed Lenora.

"I saw you two at the very same beach where the Cajun seafood bandit swindled me! She is on this ship, is she not?" the shark replied.

"Who is this seafood bandit?" Lenora asked.

"She has shoulder-length purple hair and talks like a surfer, in fact, she surfs!"

"You mean Mia?"

"I don't know, you tell me! I need to speak with her immediately!"

"Okay, I guess I'll go and look for her, then!"

"Hold it a minute, Lenora!" Soren grabbed her arm.

"What is it, Soren?"

"There's no telling if you'll run into Ilyana or Marcia on the way. Why don't we let someone else look for her?"

"Oh, you're right. Okay, then… Aha! Ike! Ike! Over here!"

"Yes, what is it, Lenora?" asked Ike as he walked over to Lenora and Soren.

"Can you go and look for Mia for us?"

"What's in it for me?"

"What?! Why can't you just go and look for her?"

"I'm in the middle of a philosophical conversation with Zihark, here!" Ike said, pointing to Zihark.

"Oh. My. Gosh. Ilyana has an older brother?!" Lenora yelled.

"No, he's not related to her at all." Ike replied.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Just then, Nasir came running toward them.

"HEY!!! If you all are done standing there doing nothing, then come and help me! Our ship is about to crash into a reef!" Nasir yelled.

"Ah! What are we supposed to do?" asked Ike.

"I don't know!" Nasir stupidly replied.

"Okay!" So the ship crashed and on a cliff to the southeast, a bunch of Raven Laguz were gathered around a statue of a female wyvern rider. They all seemed to be worshipping it. "Hey, Nasir. What's that?" Ike asked.

"I have never seen that there before. That statue must have been recently built."

"But why would Ravens worship a Daein wyvern rider…?" Soren wondered.

"This…is weird." stated Lenora.

"Hey, when is the seafood bandit going to come?!" shouted the shark.

"Hold on, Shark! We've got a dilemma here!" Lenora retorted.

"Hurry up and solve it, then! Meanwhile, I'll wait around here!" Soon a lot of the mercenaries came up to the deck because people were spreading rumors about what was going on outside and of course, people wanted to watch the Ravens worshipping the wyvern rider statue.

"Hey, doesn't anyone notice that slab of golden fur that the statue is holding?" Titania asked.

"Hey, you're right! That must be the Golden Fleece!" replied Ike.

"But it's supposed to be hanging from a tree, not from a statue…" said Soren.

"So the Ravens must be worshipping the Fleece, not the statue." Titania inferred.

"My father always talked about the Fleece, didn't he? He always kept on sending Shinon to go and look for it." said Mist.

"I think we should steal it!" exclaimed Ike.

"I'd say that's a bad idea." Soren warned.

"Hold on a moment." said Lenora.

"What is it?" Ike asked.

"That statue is actually a person!"

"WHOA!!!!! But how do you know?" Ike replied.

"I can see that that's the same color and texture stone that… I'm going over there."

"But how are you even going to get over there?" inquired Soren.

"Umm… HEY RAVENS!!!!!"

"Huh? What is it ye want?" a Raven replied.

"Can I worship that thing too?" Lenora asked.

"What did ye say?"

"Are ye pirates?"

"Aye and ye sound like one, too."

"Aye, I am one. So can I worship that beau'iful mother of statues with ye?"

"Yar. I'll let you fly on me back!"

"Thank ye very much!" and soon, Lenora was on the island with the Ravens. She drew her sword and hit the "Fleece" out of the statue's hand. The statue came to life and the long red-haired wyvern rider and her wyvern immediately came to life.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! SUB-HUMANS!!!!!!! TOO MANY OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.

"You Daein scum!" Lenora was yelling, "You must have been following us all this time!"

"Ah! You! I saw you at Port Toha!" Lenora walked over to the girl's wyvern and put her sword to his throat.

"Tell me where the rest of your troop is or I'll cut your dear wyvern's head off." she demanded, sounding like General Petrine.

"…I came alone…"

"Don't lie to me! Who do you think would be stupid enough to follow an enemy ship all on her own?!"

"I just needed someone's head to present to my father! When I was told that we had to withdraw and go back to Daein I was furious!"

"So you ran away all because of your ego, eh? You are an idiot hum…ungus shit-head."

"But then-"

"Don't even think about going anywhere. You're our hostage now, so move it. Raven Laguz, could ye care to help me escort this…scurvy dung bag to our ship o'er there?"

"Yar! I'll gladly help a fellow pirate!" exclaimed one of the Ravens and the other ones agreed. So they took Lenora and the wyvern rider to Nasir's ship.

"Well Ike, we've got a prisoner."

"I know. We all heard what was going on. So who are you?" Ike asked the wyvern rider, who replied,

"I am Jill Fizzart of Daein. I will help you battle against these sub-humans."

"DID SHE JUST CALL US SUB-HUMANS AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" bellowed a Raven.

"SHE DID!!! THE WENCH DID!!!"

"KILL HER!!! KILL HER!!! KILL HER!!!"

"NO!!! Ye scurvy scallywags are _not _to kill our captive!" shouted Lenora.

"THEN WE KILL YOU, TOO!!!" thundered a Raven, and so the mercenaries, along with Jill, were forced to fight against the angry Ravens.

Mia saw a Raven flying around near the ship so she got up onto the railing and balanced on it. "Sweet! This is just like surfing, dude!" she said.

"Cajun seafood bandit!" yelled the great white shark.

"Oh, not you again!"

"I turn you into Cajun seafood!"

"Dude, you can't even reach me up here."

"Oh, yes, I can!!!" and so the shark vaulted out of the water and onto the deck! The huge sea monster started wriggling and flopping around because he was out of water. Even though he was powerless everyone panicked and ran away from him, and Ike, of course, started tap-dancing. This made the Ravens very fond of him and they actually gathered around him and started worshipping him.

"Whoa! This is new!" Ike gasped in wonder as he looked at the Ravens chanting something and worshipping him. He even saw Marcia among the crowd!

"Hail the handsome tap-dancer…" she chanted. So Ike continued to tap-dance.

"Bandit!" yelled the shark, "I _keel _you for making me jump onto this stupid ship!"

"That was your own fault, dude!" Mia retorted. The shark slapped his tail on the floor, catapulting himself back into the water. He made a huge splash that went even higher than the ship!

"Bandit! You come down here so I can turn you into the Cajun seafood that I missed out on because of you!"

"No!"

"Seafood!"

"Um…PAPERCLIP!!!!!!!"

"_What_?!?!?!?!?!"

"A MOUSE EATING AN IRISH BUFFALO AND THEN DRINKING ITS OWN BLOOD!!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOO!!! HOW DARE YOU USE THE FORBIDDEN MAGIC OF RANDOM CRAP THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!" the shark then started swimming away as fast as he could.

"You know Mia, you could have killed that shark for me as part of the bet." Ilyana quietly told her.

"Oh, crapdamnshitdammit! HEY SHARKY I NEED YOU TO COME BACK!!!!!!!!!"

"DON'T CALL ME SHARKY!!!!!!!!!!!" the shark bellowed as he swam back to Nasir's ship.

"Hey, Shark, you're interested in seafood, right?"

"Yah. I need Cajun seafood."

"I can cook it up for you as long as you give me some time to get a certain ingredient."

"Hmm…okay, then. You give me good Cajun seafood and I'll spare your life."

"Okay, then…Titania!"

"Yes, Mia?"

"Can I borrow that extra javelin of yours?"

"Sure, here you go." replied Titania as she tossed a javelin at Mia.

"Thanks, Titania! Okay, Shark, hold still!"

"What do I need to hold still f- AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! YOU IMBECILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T ENJOY CAJUN SEAFOOD THAT'S MADE OUT OF MYSELF IF I'M NOT ALIVE TO EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well sorry bud, but one of the ingredients is a shark. So hold still!"

"No way!!! I am _not _going to sacrifice my life for Cajun seafood when I desperately need to eat it!!!"

"Oh, shut-up!" yelled Mia as she took aim and threw the javelin at the shark. It hit and killed him.

But unfortunately for Mia, his spirit came out and boomed, "YOU HAVE MURDERED ME TO TURN ME INTO CAJUN SEAFOOD!!! THAT _IS _HOW I WANT TO DIE, BUT BECAUSE I WAS TURNED INTO CAJUN SEAFOOD BY AND IDIOT I SHALL HAUNT YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH, FUCKSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT, SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mia screamed bloody murder.

"Hee-hee-hee!" giggled Marcia, "I see that you have paid your share of the bet! I'll go and collect your seafood, Ilyana!" and so she rode her pegasus to the surface of the water and scooped up the Cajun seafood into a glass jar. When she flew up, she said, "Well, it's more like Cajun seafood soup, but that will do, right, Ilyana?"

"Yes. Cajun seafood soup is nice." Ilyana replied.

"Imbecilic Bandit! You must go and kill that bull shark over there! You see, he's my archrival." the shark's spirit told Mia, who replied,

"Dude, shut-up! I'm in the middle of recovering from this stupid bunch of shit I've gone through today!"

"Mia, that's not nearly as bad as what Soren and I will have to go through." said Lenora who was standing around nearby.

"Well at least you and Soren only have to tell everyone you two are in love! At least you don't have an _annoying _shark's spirit following you everywhere!"

"But we're not!"

"Too bad! You two were treated _sooo _much more fairly in the bet!"

"No we weren't!"

"Yes you were!"

"No we weren't!"

"Yes you were!"

"No we weren't!"

"Yes you were!"

"Break it up, lesbos." said Boyd.** (I hope I didn't offend anyone in this chapter)**

"What?!" Lenora yelled.

"You idiot! We're fighting, not flirting, you thick-headed bucket-head! Gosh! _Idiot_!" Mia exclaimed.

"Imbecilic Bandit is an idiot, but you are an idiot, too!" exclaimed the shark's spirit.

"Hey, don't talk to me, you stupid…stupid!" Boyd retorted.

"You're the stupid stupid!" the shark retorted back at him.

"No, _you_ are!"

"No, _you_ are!"

"No, _you_ are!"

"No, _you_ are!"

"No, _you_ are!"

"No, _you_ are!"

"Break it up, gay guys." said Lenora.

"AH!!! NO!!! YOU HAVE SET ME UP!!!!!" yelled the shark.

"Sharky, stop being psychotic." said Mia.

"What did you call me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"That's your new name. It's Sharky."

"I'LL NOT BE SWIMMING AROUND THE SEVEN SEAS WITH THE PANSY NAME OF _SHARKY_!!!!!" Sharky roared.

"Too bad, 'cause as long as you continue to annoy me I'll call you by the name Sharky. Deal?"

"NO DEAL!!!"

"Well, seeing as you're not going to get any less annoying, I'm just gonna call you Sharky anyway."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hey!" said Soren as he breathlessly ran up to Lenora and her group.

"Eh? What is it?" asked Boyd.

"We need to find a way to get these Ravens away from us so that we can continue to Begnion."

"It seems that the only way to do that would be to leave Ike here." Lenora replied.

"Perhaps we should explore the land to see if we can find anything that scares the Ravens." said Soren.

"Why don't we just tell Ike to tell the Ravens to leave?" Boyd suggested.

"Yeah, Soren! A smart person such as yourself should have already thought of that!" said Mia.

"I already did," Soren irritably replied, "and Ike wouldn't listen to me. We have no choice but to find something that will scare the Ravens away."

"Can't we just attack them while they're distracted?" Lenora asked.

"We might have a few visits from Ravens who want revenge for their lost loved ones."

"Oh…"

"Did you say that you need something that will scare Ravens away?" Sharky inquired.

"You know what will scare them, Sharky?" asked Mia.

"SHUT-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!... As I was saying, we must steal their treasure and hold it for ransom, look for a group of Hawks or Dragons, or we could look for a fragment of Stonehenge."

"Stonehenge…?" Lenora raised her eyebrow.

"I'd say that the most likely thing we could do is look for a group of Hawks that will be willing to help us…though I can't say that we'll be successful there either…" Soren began to think. Just then about three Dragons could be seen on a cliff that was right next to the ship.

"Aha!" exclaimed Lenora as she ran towards them.

"Lenora, wait!" said Soren as he, Mia, Sharky, and Boyd ran after her. Well, except for Sharky. He floated after her, he didn't run. Well, he couldn't.

"Hey, Dragons!" Lenora was saying, "can you kindly scare off those Ravens over there?"

"Gasp! She's a Branded!" said one of the Dragons.

"No, no, no. I'm a spirit charmer. See my sword?" Lenora then drew her sword and shot an ice blade into the water, then sheathed it. "That's my ability. Sooo…can you scare those Ravens off for us? Please?"

"Hmm…if you all will leave as well." replied one of the Dragons.

"Our ship got stuck, so we'll sort of need your help in that as well." Lenora said.

"Hmm…okay. I am Prince Kurthnaga and I am honored to help outsiders. Get ready, everyone!" and then all of the Dragons shouted, "RAVENS ARE DELICIOUS WITH JAM VOMIT JELLY!!!" All of the Ravens stopped worshipping Ike and began screaming.

The Dragons continued to yell: "RAVENS ARE DELICIOUS IN PIE!!! RAVENS ARE DELICIOUS WHEN SERVED WITH ONIONS, GARLIC, AND TOMATO-RASSBERRY JUICE!!!"

Then, the Ravens were all shrieking: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!!"

"DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS WORSE THAN WATCHING NAESALA APPLYING MAKE-UP, LIPSTICK, EYE-LINER, MASCARA, AND EYE-SHADOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"BUT SOME OF THESE THINGS WEREN'T EVEN INVENTED YET!!!!!!"

"OH SHUT-UP, YOU!!!!!"

"I THINK HE BOUGHT THEM FROM THAT GUY NAMED BRAEDON!!!!"

"WHO'S HE?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO SELLS RUBBER CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!"

"_OOOOHHHHH, NOW _I REMEMBER HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HEY!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"

"WHY THE FUCK ARE WE YELLING ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?! WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH, YOU'RE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" and so soon the Ravens were all gone.

"Awww…they were the first people to ever worship me…" Ike looked like he was about to cry.

"Hey, what about me, Handsome? And Frederick?" Marcia asked, putting her arms around him.

"Ah! Not too close! But then yeah, you and Frederick worship me, don't you? Aw, you two are the only people who understand me… Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Ike sobbed as Marcia caressed him.

"HEY!!!" Mist and Soren yelled at the same time. Since both of them weren't the kind of people to shoot evil glares at people, they didn't.

"Huh? What is it?" asked Ike.

"We understand you more than this…stupid flirt!" shouted Mist.

"And I'm your best friend!" shouted Soren.

"Oh…You two also understand me the most, as well!... Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Titania sighed and said to the Dragons, "Well, everything's all right now. We would appreciate if you moved our ship out of this reef, now."

"Will do! Well, go on, my underlings! Move the ship!" replied Kurthnaga.

"Yes, Sir!" replied a Dragon and so he and the rest of the Dragons pushed the ship free. As Nasir's ship was sailing away from the shore, Kurthnaga called after them, "Hasta la vista!"

"Ah…well I'm glad that all that confusion is all cleared up…but what are we going to do about the Daein soldier, Commander?" Titania asked Ike.

"Hmm…Jill, was it?" Ike asked her.

"Yes…" Jill replied.

"If you had troops with you, I expect they would have attacked by now. So why did you come alone?" Ike asked.

"I stupidly wanted to bring at least one of you all's heads to my father. He's a general you see, so…um…ha-ha…" Jill showed a toothy smile.

"…There are some dumb soldiers in this world." Ike simply replied.

"But I want to help you all against the sub-humans."

"Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey. As long as you're in _my _group, you are never, and I repeat, _never _to refer to Laguz as sub-humans. If you say sub-human one more time, then it's over-board you go!"

"Ike, you're becoming good at being a commander. I'm surprised." said Titania.

"Wow, Titania, that's the second compliment you've ever given me!" Ike replied in wonder. And so it was settled and Jill was allowed to join the Greil Mercenaries. However, not everyone was as calm quite yet…

"Run, Soren, run!" cried Lenora as she and Soren were running through a hallway. Soren was beginning to lag behind.

"You two _will _tell everyone in the mercenary band that you love each other!" yelled Ilyana as she chased the two distressed Branded down the corridor.


	14. A Misguiding Wind

Chapter Thirteen. A Mis-guiding Wind

"Oh my gosh… Oh my gosh… OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora yelled in the ship's pub as she and Soren were drinking ale together.

"…So how does our awesome type of ale taste like?" Mist asked. (Just so you know; Mist, Boyd, Mia, Sharky, and Rolf are sitting with them)

"Shut-up, Mist! Oh, I can't believe this!" Lenora groaned.

"Now everyone except you five thinks that we're in love with each other…" Soren lamented as he took another sip of ale.

"Aw, don't worry. It's probably not as bad as you think." Mist replied.

"How do you know, Mist?" Rolf asked in awe.

"Because," Mist said, "pretty much everyone hates Ilyana because she's stolen food from them at least once. The only people who either like, or at least don't hate her are me because I'm nice, Marcia because she's an evil bitch like her, Ike because he's just Ike and also because Marcia actually likes his tap-dancing, Rhys, Oscar, Boyd,-"

"What?" said Boyd.

"-and Zihark probably because they're nice like me, and Titania because she's mature." Mist finished.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Lenora retorted.

"They'll know that judging by the tones of your voices when you were telling everyone that you liked each other and by Ilyana's and Marcia's evil grins, you two really don't like each other in that way and that those two bullies forced you into saying that you did."

"Can you say that in a simpler way, Mist?" Boyd asked.

Mist sighed and replied,(THAT RHYMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I couldn't resist) "Everyone can tell that Lenora and Soren don't love each other."

"_Ooohhhhhhhh, now _I get it. Thank you very much for explaining this to me, Mist."

"Well in that case… I'm happy again!" Lenora exclaimed and she gave her mug to Boyd, "You can finish this up for me if you like!"

"I don't want it!" Boyd passed the mug to where Sharky was floating.

"You imbecile! How do you think I'd even be able to drink-much less-move this?! Oh…how I miss the taste of Cajun seafood…"

"Aw…don't cry, Sharky. Once I'm dead, which will be about seventy years or so from now, you'll be able to eat all the Cajun seafood you want to." Mia reassured him.

"…Yay!"

Meanwhile, Ike was on the deck, watching Nasir commanding his crew. "All right, boys! We've got a guiding wind, now lets make the sails catch it and we'll definitely arrive at Begnion in no time!" Nasir was saying.

"Whoa!" Ike exclaimed as the ship suddenly accelerated. But then loud scraping and crunching noises could be heard. "What the crap's going on?" Ike asked Nasir, who replied,

"I don't know. Let me ask one of my crewmen."

But a sailor immediately said, "We've hit a cramped population of bull sharks! Their tough skin is going to tear holes in our ship!"

"OH NO!!!" screamed Mist as she, Lenora, Soren, Rolf, Boyd, Mia, and Sharky were coming outside.

"Shut up Mist, you moron, you! We can find a way to solve this problem!"

"But the ship's sinking…" Mist sniffed as she started hugging Rolf.

"Oh, Mist…there's no need to…" Rolf blushed.

"Mist! How many times do I have to tell you to stop being such a wimpy wishy-washy!" Ike sternly said.

"Yeah Mist, seriously dude." said Lenora.

"You shut-up, you stupid paperclip!" Mist retorted.

"Um…I probably don't want to know what a paperclip is…" Lenora said to herself.

"Hey! I see my arch-nemesis!" exclaimed Sharky.

"Where do you see him?" Mia asked him.

"Over there!...Hey, Tauro!"

One of the bull sharks looked up and replied, "I told you not to call me that, _Fatty_! Hm? …Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You were killed and now you're hanging out with humans? Ha! I can't help but start cracking up!"

"For your information, I was black-mailed!" Sharky-or-Fatty-whichever name he should be called for now retorted.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Tauro cackled, "You have to hang out with _humans_! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Shut-up! You know, my two-legged friends can _keel _you!"

"Whatever, Fatty!"

"Urgh. Mia, you go and harpoon this kelp-brained imbecile!" Fatty ordered.

"Um…we don't have any harpoons, but we have javelins!" Mia replied.

"Go get a javelin, then!"

"Okay, then. Just wait right here!" Mia randomly said in a Texan accent. She saw Titania and asked her, "Hey, Titania!"

"Yes? What is it, Mia?"

"Can I borrow one of your javelins again?"

"Sure." Titania replied as she gave one to Mia, who went over to the edge of the ship where Tauro was and motioned to throw it into his flank. "Okay, Tauro! You're going to regret messing with my friend Sharky!"

"Sharky?...Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!!! You nicknamed him _Sharky_?! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAW-GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Tauro laughed maniacally until a javelin flew into his side. He screeched then he died. His spirit came out, and was laughing. "Ah-ha-ha!!! At least _I'm _not bound to this world! I can already go to Ashera's realm!" and so Tauro disappeared.

"Whew. One imbecile down, two more to go." said Sharky.

"Who are the other two?" Mia asked.

"You and Boyd." Sharky replied.

"Hey!" said Boyd.

"Yikes!" said a boy with dark green hair.

"Who are you?" Lenora asked him.

"I'm Sothe, a new recruit of the Greil Mercenaries. The reason you've never seen me is that I avoid crowds. After all, I am a thief… Don't get me wrong, I only steal from enemies."

"I sure hope you're telling the truth." Lenora replied.

"So what's with the shark spirit?" Sothe inquired.

"It's a long story." Mia responded.

"Nasir! What are we going to do about these bull sharks?" Titania asked Nasir.

"There is nothing we can do but to keep sailing and hope that we can make it out without any holes being torn into the ship." He replied as he went to go and give orders to his crewmen. Just then, a pegasus rider came flying into view and landed on the deck of the ship in front of Nasir. They exchanged a few words and Nasir approached Ike.

"Ike, there's someone here claiming to be an envoy from the theocracy of Begnion. She's been asking if the princess of Crimea is aboard…What do you want to do?"

"Uh…Abandon ship! Ah, just kidding! Uh…so…how did this envoy know about this ship?" Ike replied.

"Hmmm… Perhaps she had word from King Gallia… On the other hand, this is Begnion we're speaking of. I imagine it has spies in every corner of the continent. Perhaps one of those spies is the source of her information."

"Oh gosh, Nasir. If you said one more word you would have driven me insane from your long explanation." Ike said, "So anyway, we shouldn't be surprised that she knows about Princess Elincia, right?"

"No, but it's extremely unusual for Begnion to send an envoy to meet a princess whom they do not even acknowledge." Soren joined the discussion.

"What do you mean?" Ike asked him.

"It is a complicated matter. You see, the envoy is essentially an extension of the empress herself. Both Crimea and Daein were once part of Begnion. Both nations have only recently splintered from the theocracy. I can't fathom why the empress would extend-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP, PLEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"Ah! Okay Ike, to put it in smaller words, the empress of Begnion considers Crimea to be beneath her and could be plotting something." Soren tried to calm Ike down.

"'Beneath her'? That is somewhat harsh, don't you think?" Nasir asked him.

"Harsh, perhaps, but it's true. Clothing it in sweet words will not hide its bitterness, will it?"

"Soren, even I would question the tactfulness of your words." Ike said.

"I will try to be more diplomatic." Soren replied. Then Elincia, the stupid princess, came up to Ike, Soren, and Nasir.

"Ike, Nasir. You've no need to scold Soren. His words are just that. They do me no harm." Elincia said. (Wow, she actually said something smart for a change!)

"I'm glad to hear that, Princess, but he should mind his manners." Nasir said, unconvinced. Soren remained silent.

"Deciding how we ought to treat with this envoy is a more pressing issue. Princess, will you meet her and hear her message?" Ike asked Elincia, who replied,

"I believe that I must. We gain nothing by refusing to see her. Let us meet with the envoy."

Meanwhile Lenora, Mia, Sharky, Boyd, Mist, Rolf, and Sothe were at the other side of the deck. They saw another pegasus rider fly onto the deck near Ike, Titania, Soren, Nasir, Elincia, and the deputy commander of the holy guard Tanith. "And here comes another girly warrior. I swear if they act just like the pink poppet, I'm going to puke." said Lenora.

"I know, tell me about it." Mia replied.

"I don't see what you two have against those two," Boyd was saying, "I mean they're not _all_ that bad, are they?"

"Oh, yes those motherfuckers are!" snapped Mia. Just then Soren came up to them.

"So what's going on?" Lenora asked him.

"Begnion knows of us and the apostle is on a ship that is currently under attack by a bunch of Raven Laguz. We're going to help them." Soren replied.

"Well, at least we were able to get past those stupid bull sharks." stated Mia.

"Yes, those bull sharks are kelp heads!" exclaimed Sharky.

Just then Rolf started shouting, "Auntie Lethe! Auntie Lethe!" he ran up to her and hugged her.

"Argh! Get off!" she pushed Rolf off, just to be hugged by Mist.

"Oh, Auntie Lethe! We haven't seen you very much!" Mist was crying.

"Get _off_!" Lethe pried Mist off of her and muttered, "Oh, I regret coming up here…"

"Auntie Lethe, we have to fight Ravens again! I'm scared!" Rolf said.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?!" Lethe snarled.

"But you're like an aunt to us!" Mist said to her.

"You two are insane!"

"Oh, I am out of here. Let me know when we get to the Begnion ship." Sothe was saying as he turned to go when Mist and Rolf both grabbed him. "Aaagh! What the hell!"

"We're not letting our friend leave us!" Mist cried.

"Yeah!" said Rolf.

"Are you two kidding me? You are _not _my friends!" Sothe replied, agitated.

"Rolf! You cowardly scallywag! If you want to be a true wannabe pirate, you have to be strong and take the pain like a pirate!" Lenora yelled, helping Sothe pry Mist and Rolf off of him. "And Sothe," she was saying, "we're almost there, so you may as well just stay up here."

"Fine." Sothe replied.

So Nasir's ship was connected to the Begnion ship with a plank of wood and the fight began.

"Hey, there are pirates attacking too." said Mia.

"It looks like we're in for a rough battle." said Sothe.

"Come on, then!" exclaimed Lenora as she drew her sword and was already running across the plank. Then she saw a familiar blue 'golem'. "Gatrie!" she yelled.

"Huh? Lenora!... Hey, whoa calm down!" Gatrie shrieked when he saw the angry look on Lenora's face. She leapt at him and punched him in the face.

"You little scallywag! What are _you _doing here?!"

"Lenora, we're on the same side! Ike already spoke to me! My boss Astrid and I are going to join you all!"

"Really? So decided to come sniveling back to us?"

"Lenora! Leave Gatrie alone!" Ike called to her.

"…Oh, all right." said Lenora as she began to attack enemies.

"Aiyeeeeee! That girl over there has demonic powers!" cried one of the pirates.

"What the crap?! You pirates don't talk like pirates!" exclaimed Lenora.

"Well…um… Shiver me timbers?" the 'pirate' suggested dumbly.

"You all are just wannabe pirates aren't you! At least Rolf and I are pirate impersonators, but you all are just plain wannabes!"

"You'll die for insulting Dae…time fighters!"

"Is that seriously the name of your group? 'Daytime Fighters'? That's one of the stupidest group names I've ever heard in my life!" Lenora exclaimed.

Just then, Boyd and Mist were on a high platform and Boyd was yelling, "HEY PIRATES!!! COME AND GET THIS BUNCH O' RUM!!!"

"YEAH, COME AN' DRINK THIS FREE RUM!!!!!!!!!" Mist yelled. Soon, most of the stupid Daein soldiers who were badly disguised as pirates each were given a mug of rum. After someone took one sip of the poison, they died.

"OH, HELL YEAH!!!!! I KILLED AN ARMY OF PIRATES!!!!!!!!"

"But we forgot about the Ravens!" cried Mist.

"Well then, HEY RAVENS COME AND GET SOME RUM, TOO!!!!!!"

One of the Ravens who understood both pirate and normal talk replied, "WE DON'T WANT WHAT YOU USED TO KILL THOSE IDIOT HUMANS!!! And besides, we don't drink rum. We drink liquid tobacco."

"And ground-up cleavers!" said another Raven.

Another Raven yelled, "Let's rob these humans!"

"Yeah!!!" replied another, and so the Ravens all began to attack.

"Oh, crap!" cried Rolf.

"We don't have any Dragons to scare us, now…" mumbled Soren.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm way ahead of you." said Lenora as she held up a cardboard cut-out of a Dragon. "HEY RAVEN SCALLYWAGS!!!!! GUESS WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!" Replied a Raven.

"RAVENS TASTE GOOD WHEN THEY'RE GROUND UP AND MIXED WITH LIQUID TOBACCO!!! RAVENS TASTE GOOD WITH KATCHUP!!! RAVENS TASTE _VERY _GOOD WHEN FRIED AND THEN EATEN AT ONE OF KING ASHNARD'S PIANO RECITALS!!!!!"

And of course, the Ravens all started to scream: "OH, _SHIT_!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"DRAGONS!!!!!! DRAGONS!!!!!!!!!! DRAGONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN WATCHING KING NAESALA WALTZ AROUND THE CASTLE IN A PINK DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And as you can figure out, the Ravens immediately fled the area.

"Ha-haaaaaaaa!!! Well Commander Ike, we're safe!" Lenora cheered triumphantly.

"Good job, now let's go talk to Sanaki." Ike replied. Then Tanith came.

"I'm afraid we have a dilemma," she was saying, "Sanaki was seen sneaking out of the cabin on her own during the chaos."

"WHAT?!" I'm flabbergasted by the stupidity of this 'empress'!" Ike exclaimed.

"Hey, I bet this Sanaki is one of those cool empresses that likes to be free and go on adventures!" said Lenora.

"Hey, I think you're right, Lenora. Ike, you take your comment back." Mia ordered.

"What? But I still think she's stupid! Oh well, let's go and find her." Ike replied.

"Ike!" Titania yelled.

"What is it, Titania?"

"Don't talk so rudely when the apostle could be hearing what we are saying right at this very instant!"

"Oh, oops… Well anyway, Lenora, Soren, Mia, Mist, Titania, let's go and search the deck of our ship. The rest of you search belowdecks." Then when they got to Nasir's ship, Ike said, "Okay; Titania, Mist, and Mia; go search the east side, yo! And Soren and Lenora my pimps let's go Westside!"

"Ike, stop being a wannabe gangster!" Mist said.

"But the way that Braedon talked like one sounded cool! I want to go to his shop again…" Ike mourned.

"Ike, let's go and search for the apostle." said Soren.

"Okay!" So they searched until they found this weird-looking little girl with long purple hair passed out on the floor. But then she suddenly woke up. "What the- another kid is stowing away on the ship?! And she's been drinking underage?! Tsk, tsk, tsk!" Ike exclaimed.

"Ike, she's just an aristrocrat's daughter or something like that. She must have been scared during the battle and slipped onto our ship." Soren lectured Ike.

"_Ohhhh_ I see now!" Ike replied and said to the girl, "So how are you feeling? How did you faint? _Were _you drinking any alcohol?"

"I remember everything that happened," said the snotty girl, "and here's what happened: I was feeling bored just waiting in the cabin, so I went outside and hid here, watching the battle. Then I was appalled by those two commoners selling 'rum' to those pirates. Then another commoner-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HER SHUT-UP, PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

The rude girl just continued on, "-tricked the Ravens into leaving by scaring them. And one of those imbecilic Ravens kicked me on the head as he was flying away screaming bloody murder, knocking me out."

"Well, uh…you have a hurt foot. Let me examine it." Ike said, eyeing the girl's profusely bleeding foot.

"Don't touch me, you poor pervert!" yelled the girl as she bitch-slapped Ike.

"Oooohh…_burn_!" Gatrie exclaimed.

"Ah!" Ike shrieked and he grabbed Gatrie by the scruff of the neck, "_Do you seriously think that we make a perfect match_?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Uh, n-n-n-no!" Gatrie squeaked.

"THEN WHY DID YOU SAY 'OOOOOOHH _BURN_!!!!'?!?!??!?!?!?!"

"I-uh-I-uh-I-uh-GIBBERISH SCREAM!!!!!!!!" Gatrie panicked.

"Fine, then." said Ike, releasing Gatrie, "I'll just accept that explanation." Then he called Mist, "Mist! Come over here and heal this girl over here!"

"Coming, Ike!" said Mist as she came running with her heal staff.

"Hold it!" shouted the snooty girl, "I will _not _be healed by a peasant! Sigrun! Sigrun!" Then the commander of the holy guard came flying.

"Empress Sanaki!" Sigrun cried.

"Uh, did you just call her the empress?" Lenora asked Sigrun.

"Yes, she's the apostle Sanaki!" Sigrun replied.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Lenora, Ike, and Gatrie shouted at the same time. All three of them shot each other an evil glare at each other.

"Ha! That's right, peasants! _I _am the empress!" Sanaki gloated.

"Hold on, so you're not some cool awesome empress who likes to be up to mischief; but you're some stupid, spoiled, snotty little brat?!" Lenora exclaimed.

"How _dare _you talk to me like that!" Sanaki glared at Lenora, who glared back.

"Sanaki, we need to get you healed. Leave this one alone." said Sigrun.

"Oh, all _right_." said Sanaki as she limped after Sigrun toward a healer. Meanwhile Tanith came along.

"Sanaki says that you all are to accompany her to her court in Begnion. So…yeah that's about all I came to tell you all…" she said.

"Gosh, I can't believe that the empress is just another snot-nosed spoiled little bunch of nincompoop…" Lenora grumbled.

"Hey Lenora."

"Yes, Soren?"

"When we get to Begnion, you should probably wear a headband to cover your spirit charmer mark. Since you don't use tomes, people will immediately assume that you are a Branded. To avoid any inconveniences, you really should wear something to cover the mark."

"Oh, I guess you're right. Before I joined up with you guys I would walk through towns with my mark exposed. People would stare at me weirdly and I would just smile at them. If someone picked a fight with me I would show off my powers."

"You _are _a show-off." Soren replied.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." Lenora answered him.

"Hey, bastards!" Marcia called from behind Lenora, Soren, Boyd, Ike, Titania, and Mist.

"Oh what is it, Pink Poppet?" Lenora asked her.

"Very funny. Listen, Ilyana and I have been discussing a few things…and we've decided that we want to wage a bit of a war between our sides."

"Are you crazy?" Ike exclaimed.

Marcia continued talking, "And Ilyana and I want to know who will be on our side, your side, and on a neutral status."

_Oh, this is going to be a long day…_ Lenora thought to herself. After about twenty minutes, everyone's status was written down on a list: Ilyana's side: Ilyana, Marcia, Gatrie, Kieran, and Zihark. Lenora's side: Lenora, Soren, Mia, Sharky, Rolf, Sothe, Lethe, and Jill. Neutral side: Ike, Titania, Astrid, Mordecai, Nephenee, Brom, Rhys, Volke, Boyd, Oscar, and Mist.

"Okay group meeting is now in session!" said Lenora as she and the mercenaries on her side were in a sound-proof room. "Now just want this meeting to be an ice-breaker as well as one with a small bit of information. So we will each say our names, why we're on this side, and an interesting fact about ourselves. I'll go first, seeing as I'm the leader. So my name is Lenora, and I'm on this side because Ilyana is a fibber and Marcia is a preppy girly girl. And I'm a spirit charmer who used a spirit to enchant my sword. Now we're going to go in a clockwise order so you're next, Soren!"

"I'm Soren, and I'm on this side for two reasons: First of all, Lenora is a good friend of mine, and second of all, I was dragged into this mess! And an interesting fact would be… well I'm a spirit charmer as well…"

"Excellent! You're next, Mia!" said Lenora.

"Okay, I'm Mia, and I'm on this side because Lenora's my best friend and Ilyana is a motherfucker. An interesting thing about me…hmm…I'm friends with the spirit of a psychotic shark."

"Next!" said Lenora.

"I am Sharky, a shark of the Gallia beach. I'm in this group because I was dragged into this as well… Something interesting about me is that I'm obsessed with Cajun seafood."

"He really is." said Mia.

"Next!" said Lenora.

"I'm Rolf and I'm on this side for three reasons! First of all, Lenora's a good friend of mine, second of all, Marcia hates pirates when I'm a pirate impersonator, and third of all, Auntie Lethe joined this side!"

"Do _not _ever call me that name again!" Lethe hissed.

"And an interesting fact about me is that cockroaches are my favorite food!"

"Next!" said Lenora.

"I'm Sothe, and I'm here because that…pink poppet gets on my nerves. An interesting fact about myself would be that…I'm…agile? After all I am a thief…who won't steal from his allies…"

"Next!" said Lenora.

"I'm Lethe and I am on this side because Ilyana tried to steal my beef and Marcia annoys me. An interesting fact about myself…I'm one of Gallia's top warriors."

"Next!" said Lenora.

"I'm Jill and I'm on this side because I hate pegasus riders and because…well…that's all. And an interesting fact about myself would be that I'm a runaway Daein soldier. But I no longer want anything to do with Daein except for fighting against it…I guess…"

"Good, so now we all know each other now. So anyway, let's discuss how we should deal with the pig and the pink poppet and their bitches. Well for now, let's just be wary and not fall for any pranks they may try to pull on us. Meeting adjourned."


	15. Training While Goofing Off

Chapter Fourteen. Training While Goofing Off

Mia woke up a couple of days after arriving in Begnion. Ten minutes later she was bored so she decided to wake up Lenora. Mia, Lenora, and Jill were staying in the same room. Mia went over to where Lenora was sleeping and started shaking her gently. "Ah…I love my new pet rubber chicken…" Lenora mumbled.

"Lenora, wake up!" Mia hissed.

"Oh, my wonderful rubber chicken, I shall name you… Leather Sandal!"

"Lenora!"

"Ah…I love you, Leather Sandal…" Lenora said in her sleep and then she hugged Mia and started trying to cuddle with her!

"Ah! Lenora! Lenora let go of me!" Mia yelped, trying to break out of Lenora's grasp.

"Oh my rubber chicken…"

"Let go! Let go! Jill! Jill help me! Jill will you please wake up and tear this psychotic dreamer off of me?!...JILL!!!" Mia shouted desperately. Then Jill woke up.

"WHAT IN THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Jill screamed when she saw Lenora snuggling with Mia. Mia turned her head and looked up.

"Ah, Jill! Thank Ashera you woke up! Lenora is still asleep and she thinks I'm a rubber chicken!"

"What's a rubber chicken?"

"It doesn't matter! Just help me get away from Lenora and then wake her up!"

"Okay." Jill said as she climbed out of bed and helped Mia pry Lenora's arms off of her. Then Lenora started cuddling her blanket.

"Whew! Okay Jill, let's wake up this lunatic!" Jill nodded in response and so she and Mia started shaking Lenora violently.

But then Lenora said, "Yay, I bought another rubber chicken. I shall name you…Peach!" And so then Lenora started trying to cuddle with both Mia and Jill!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jill and Mia both yowled and screamed. Then Ike, Titania, Oscar, and Mordecai burst into the room.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!" Ike roared and panicked and started hyperventilating, then tap-dancing.

"Oh, my goddess…" Oscar uttered.

Mia and Jill looked up and Jill yelled, "Oh, no! This isn't what it looks like! Lenora's asleep and when we tried waking her up she thought we were her pet rubber chickens, and now, still asleep, she's trying to cuddle us!"

"Yeah, now you four come help us break free of this insane girl!" Mia added. Ike was still tap-dancing so he didn't go with Titania, Oscar, and Mordecai to help pull Mia and Jill apart from Lenora. Lenora still wouldn't wake up, and so she started cuddling with her pillow.

"Cover your ears, everyone." Mordecai said before deciding to roar loudly: "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora screamed, jumped out of bed, ran toward the window and was about to jump out of it!

"Oh, no you don't!" Titania declared and tripped Lenora before she could reach the window.

"Ooomph! Ouch!" Lenora grunted as she hit the ground. She looked around and saw Titania, Oscar, Mia, Jill, and Mordecai standing there; and Ike was tap-dancing near the entrance of her room. "What the…?" she said, looking at all of them.

"I think Mia or Jill will tell you what happened…" replied Oscar.

A few days later, the mercenaries were to get the cargo from a bunch of shady 'merchants'. They got to the village and Ike, Soren, and Titania were discussing their plan. "This place is a swamp village!" exclaimed Mia.

"You know, this village could be fun!" replied Lenora.

"It's like an ocean in the air…" uttered Sharky.

"Okay, everyone!" said Ike, "There are bandits everywhere it seems, so we can't explore the village too much, okay? Greil Mercenaries, move out!"

"ALL RIGHT WE CAN GOOF OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist, Rolf, Mia, and Boyd all yelled at the same time. They all shot each other an evil gaze except for Mist. So this was what was going on: Titania, Soren, Lethe, Mordecai, Oscar, Volke, Rhys, Sothe, Zihark, Gatrie, Astrid, Brom, and Nephenee were the only ones taking the mission seriously and fighting the enemies. And this is what the rest of the mercenaries were doing: Ilyana and Marcia were chasing Jill, Boyd, and Mia; and Lenora, Rolf, and Sharky were chasing, cursing at, and insulting Ilyana and Marcia; Mist was drinking tea with a mage woman who lived nearby named Calill; and Ike was tap-dancing and singing a drinking song, and drinking with a ship-wrecked and lost pirate and Kieran.

Marcia was chasing Jill around when she saw some guy with a pink afro. _Is that…my brother? _she immediately flew down to where he was and yelled, "BROTHER YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND COME JOIN THE MERCENARY BAND THAT I'M IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND _DON'T _ASK WHY I'M NOT IN THE PEGASUS KNIGHTS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! MY SOCIAL STATUS WAS GOING DOWN BECAUSE YOU KEPT DAMN EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY OTHER PREP FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DAMNED BASTARDLY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!! YOU STOP FIGHTING FOR WHOEVER YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR AND JOIN OUR CAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the afro dude.

Meanwhile, the mercenaries who were taking the battle seriously defeated the bandits and took the cargo and then all of the mercenaries headed back to Begnion Castle.

When they were back at Begnion Castle; Lenora, Soren, and Mia were hanging out in a courtyard when Mia said, "Hey look over there."

"Huh?" Lenora uttered and she saw Marcia, Aimee the merchant woman, Elincia, and Ike at the other side of the courtyard.

"Let's go see what's going on!" said Mia.

"Sure." Lenora replied as she and Soren followed Mia.

"OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike was screaming and hyperventilating, then he started to tap-dance. Soren rolled his eyes and went over to Ike and bitch-slapped him. "Ah! I'm all right!" Ike replied.

"What's wrong, Ike?" Soren asked him.

"Three girls have a crush on me!"

"WHAT?!" Lenora and Mia yelled at the same time. Lenora elbowed Mia.

"Ouch!" Mia yelled.

"Get out of here, Boat-monkey, Groveler, and Bastardly Whelp!" said Marcia.

"Hey! _Nobody _insults my best friend! But then…you like me! And so do you two!...OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ike, I'm a pretty-in-pink pegasus knight outcast! I should be more then enough for you!" Marcia yelled.

"I'm more beautiful than both of you! And I…can sell stuff so that we'll be rich!" shouted Aimee.

"I'm already rich! And I'm a princess! You can rule Crimea with me! Please, Ike!" begged Stupid Elincia.

"Aw…Marcia…Aimee…Elincia… You all want me!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSHOHDEARASHERAOHMYGOODNESSGRACIOUSBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed and started having a seizure and foaming at the mouth.

"Oh dear Ashera… I'll go and get Rhys to cure Ike…" said Lenora as she went to go find Rhys: "Rhys!" she was calling until she saw him in hallway. "Hey Rhys!"

"Hm? What is it, Lenora?" Rhys asked her.

"We need you to cure Ike of a foaming mouth seizure! We need to cure him before Sanaki or someone stupid sees him and thinks he's not fit to be a commander! But then…Elincia's there…But then again I think she's so stupid she-"

"ELINCIA'S THERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OH MY GOSH I'M SO TOTALLY GOING OVER THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rhys shouted and so soon he and Lenora were back in the courtyard where Marcia and Aimee were in a catfight and Elincia and Soren were trying to help Ike while Mia was helplessly standing there. Rhys also had a bottle of diet coke and a box of mentos ready. "Okay Ike, drink this!" he said as he put a few mentos into the bottle and made Ike chug the entire bottle down. _BOOM_!!!!!!!! A bunch of foam exploded out of Ike's mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed at the top of his lungs and then he so totally suddenly stopped and said, "Oh…this is…weird… Hi…?"

"Ike!" Elincia threw her arms around him.

"OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed and fainted. Marcia and Aimee stopped catfighting, looked at Elincia, at the unconscious and still blushing madly Ike, back at Elincia, and then the two crazy preps spazzed out and chased after Elincia trying to beat her to a bloody pulp!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Elincia screamed as Marcia and Aimee chased after her.

And I think we all know how this is going to turn out, and one of them was that Sanaki was dancing stupidly with an umbrella in her hand and chanting over and over again, "I am Miss Poppins!" And how this very serious and stupid and insane problem was resolved was that Makalov had an insanity fairy living in that huge bushy afro of his and so he absorbed the insanity and went somewhere else.

A day later somewhere in Goldoa, the Laguz kings were holding a meeting. Lethe and Mordecai snuck out of Begnion for a while to attend this meeting. "Now something suspicious is going on," King Deghinsea was saying, "because Kurthnaga saw and helped a Beorc ship that was being attacked by Ravens-"

"Hold it!" King Tibarn shouted, "Are you saying that you were on _my _territory _again_, _NAESALA_?!?!?!?!?!" Tibarn started fuming with steam coming out of his ears and nostrils.

"Hey, you're a Hawk, not a Dragon!" Kurthnaga stated.

"Oh, yeah…I forgot." Tibarn blushed and stopped fuming.

"So as I was saying, we need to figure out what's going on. Kurthnaga, seeing as you watched their entire battle with Ravens when they were trapped on our shores, tell us what these Beorc were like." Deghinsea told the Dragon Prince, who replied,

"Well…there's this tough and weird spirit charmer who charmed a spirit into enchanting her foreign long sword with power. There's also this depressed-looking normal spirit charmer. And…there's also this spirit of a great white shark named Sharky who's following a myrmidon around. He's haunting her because during the battle he was still alive and getting revenge from her for stealing Cajun seafood from him or something like that and she killed him so now he's going to follow her around and annoy her until she dies as well. And their commander has this unique power to tap-dance and bewitch Ravens into worshipping him. There's also this girly outcast pegasus knight who worships him, as well. And the strange spirit charmer can talk like a pirate, too. And there is a Cat and a Tiger with these Beorc. And an outcast Daein wyvern-rider joined them too. She was a statue that the Ravens were worshipping but then the strange spirit charmer broke whatever curse she was under."

"So there we go. This is obviously a quirky group of people. Does anyone else have any information?"

"Janaff and Ulki and I were flying near where the group was helping Begnion fight against a bunch of Ravens and human pirates," King Tibarn was explaining, "and they were pretty strange. Two of the humans made the human pirates think that poison was rum and another human was impersonating a Dragon to scare the Ravens away."

"Naesala, how about you?" Deghinsea asked Naesala.

"Uh…nothin' to say about the bilge rats at all…" the pirate king replied.

"I think I can explain to you all who these people are." said King Caineghis, "they're the Greil Mercenaries taking Princess Elincia of Crimea to Begnion. Their Commander Ike is a…strange one indeed… And the two Laguz who were with them are Lethe and Mordecai right over there." he said, pointing to them. And while the Laguz kings continued to talk; Lethe, Mordecai, Ranulf, Janaff, and Ulki were all chatting:

"So what's Begnion like?" Janaff was asking Lethe and Mordecai.

"Ugh. It's a bad, bad place." Lethe replied.

"But some of the Beorc are funny…" said Mordecai.

"But most of them are stupid! It was hard for me to sneak away because those two idiots who think I'm their auntie kept on following me around! 'Oh Auntie Lethe this' and 'Oh Auntie Lethe that!' Mist and Rolf get on my _nerves_!" Lethe ranted.

"Hey! keep it quiet!" Caineghis called over to them.

"Yes, King Caineghis!" Lethe saluted him.

"So what about the strange spirit charmer?" Janaff inquired.

"She's cool, I guess…" Lethe replied.

"Her name is Lenora and one of her hobbies is talking like a pirate. Both she and Rolf like talking like pirates." said Mordecai.

"Pirates, eh?" asked Ranulf.

"That shark spirit is actually pretty cool." Lethe was saying, "but he has a funny name. Want to know what it is?"

"What is it?" Janaff asked in wonder.

"Sharky."

"KAH-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Janaff was squawking and snorting.

"Quiet down, Janaff!" Tibarn yelled, "We are in the middle of-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! JANAFF YOU MORON THIS IS THE MILLIONTH TIME YOU'VE BEEN TOO LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HURT MY EARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'M HURTING MY EARS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU?!?!?!?!?!?! DO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ulki thundered with rage.

"Eeeeep! Protect me, Granddaddy Tibarn!" Janaff squealed and hid behind Tibarn.

"Argh! That's it! You all need to go to one of the rooms in the castle because we're in the middle of an important meeting!" Deghinsea shouted and pointed to a door in the castle.

"Yessir!" Everyone who wasn't a king or a prince saluted at the same time. They all shot each other an evil gaze before marching into the room.

"So as I was saying." Ulki glared at Janaff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Janaff screamed as Ulki transformed into Hawk form and they were flying around in circles and Ulki was pecking at him.


	16. The Feral Gold Rush

Chapter Fifteen. The Feral Gold Rush

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT STEFAN!!! And sorry about not warning you all about the spoiler about Soren but at least now there is a warning. **

"Hey, don't have any hard feeling for me just because I'm on Marcia's side, please…" said Marcia's brother Makalov who was forced by his sister to join the mercenaries. They were all marching toward the Grann Desert.

"What_ever_, you male pink poppet!" Lenora retorted as she ran to go talk to Soren and Oscar.

"Hey, everybody!" Illyana yelled.

"Oh, gosh what is it, Pig?" Lenora asked her.

"We're going to go treasure hunting while we're in the desert!" she replied.

"But we have to clear out bandits! I'm not letting anyone goof off like last time!" Ike reprimanded Ilyana.

"How about after we defeat them?"

"Okay!"

So then when all the bandits except for the green Tiger were killed, the Tiger wouldn't leave and Ilyana asked Ike, "Now can we do the treasure hunt?"

"Sure!"

"Okay, whoever wins, their team wins!"

"What are the teams?" Mia asked.

"My group, the boat-monkey's group, and the neutral group."

"Oh, _those _groups!"

"Yes!" And so everyone lined up and then they all started running. Gatrie and Brom could hardly move because they were so heavy so they decided to stop trying to run, and instead, sumo-wrestle each other. While still in their armour. Oscar's horse kept cursing with each step, and Titania's horse threw her off and was rocking out on the base guitar. So Titania decided to just run on foot. Rhys had a heat stroke so Mist stopped running to take care of him. Rolf was crying while he was running and off in the distance people could hear both Gatrie and Brom shouting, cursing, and screaming about the heat and their shitty armour; and yet they kept on wrestling with each other. Lethe ran into an area that was near a cliff and stopped to take a breather when some weird lime green-haired swordmaster dude leapt out of the cliff, somehow breaking through the rocks.

"Ah!" Lethe exclaimed. The swordmaster was holding up a gemstone, his eyes were bloodshot, and he was foaming at the mouth a little.

"Treasure…" he mumbled at her, "Treasure…treasure…treasure…TREASURE IS THIS RUBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TREASURE IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TREASURE IS MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he then started growling at Lethe. Then another dude came out of the cave. He wore a quiver of a bow and arrows, had unruly whitish-blonde hair, and he actually looked like a normal person in his late teens.

"Stefan, I don't think this Cat means any harm." Then the guy named Stefan's eyes looked normal, and he stopped foaming at the mouth.

"Oh…uh…okay…this is awkward…" he said.

"Don't worry about Stefan here, ma'am. He's protective of his treasure. If you're his friend, he's actually quite a nice guy.

"Um…okay…well I've literally gotta run. You see, some friends of mine and I are in a serious treasure hunt here." Lethe replied.

"I've never seen you around here before." Stefan pressed.

"I'm Lethe from Gallia."

"Gallia! Fascinating! Let's go and talk, yes?"

"I just told you that I'm in the middle of a stupid competition with the rest of my troop."

"A _whole troop of Gallians_?!" Stefan exclaimed.

"Actually it's a bunch of…Beorc. I'm…part of a group of mercenaries that's trying to help Crimea retake control of itself because Daein invaded it but in order to get Begnion to help us, we have to do some of the apostle's dirty work to prove ourselves. We have to clear out a bunch of bandits who are all Laguz and we did and so now we have some free time that we're going to use to go treasure hunting." then Lethe took a deep breath after that long explanation.

"Well, Gareth and I are going to join you all." Stefan replied.

"Are you serious?" Lethe raised her eyebrow, "Well whatever. But just so you know there are three teams…I'll explain later but just know that you two are on my team okay?"

"Okay, then. You know, there's a lot of treasure in this cave. But I want to see what the rest of the troop is like!" Stefan declared as he and Gareth started running towards where everyone else was. Lethe ran after them and because she was a Laguz she was soon running past them. She saw Ike and told him of the two new recruits. Meanwhile Lenora was parched and exhausted. Then she saw up ahead of her someone who looked familiar to her.

_Gareth…? _she thought as she decided to catch up to him. _But what if it's just a mirage? Well, looks like there's only one way to find out. _She drew her water sword and squirted water into her mouth so she could drink it. She sheathed her sword and then was beginning to run faster. She ignored Soren calling after her and then she caught up with the pale-blonde-haired boy who looked so familiar to her. "Gareth!" she called after him. To her surprise he turned his head and saw the girl with waist-length red hair.

"Lenora!" he stopped running, turned around and ran to embrace her.

"Gareth, you're alive!"

"I was certain that you were dead, Lenora!"

As Soren was running he saw the two Branded and when he was close enough he asked, "Who is that, Lenora?"

Lenora and Gareth let go of each other and Lenora replied, "Soren, this is Gareth, the Cat Branded that I told you about."

"He is?" Soren replied.

"Wait a minute, Lenora. Are you saying that you told this human what we both are?" Gareth demanded.

"Gareth, this is Soren. He's a Branded, too. Luckily for him he knows magic so he can pose as a spirit charmer. I've been the same show-off until we arrived in Begnion. I'm wearing this headband because it would be too inconvenient for me to have to tell everyone else in the castle that I'm a spirit charmer with a rare power."

"You're talking about Begnion Castle, right?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Stefan, another Branded and I met up with a Cat named Lethe who told us everything and Stefan was so fascinated that we both decided to join you all. Lenora, in this desert there's a huge underground village full of Branded. Both of you should check it out."

"A whole village?" inquired Soren.

"Yes, and you won't believe how many different Branded live there."

"That sounds nice, but Soren and I have business with the Greil Mercenaries."

"But this is a human affair!"

"Not really," said Soren, "this war could affect the entire continent, and commander of the Greil Mercenaries, Ike is a Beorc who I am _not _going to abandon. I am his tactician, one of his mages, and one of his closest friends."

"Suit yourself. How about you, Lenora?"

"I'm staying with the mercenaries because I'm not about to let those Daein scum take over Crimea. I'm going to help defeat them because they hate the Laguz while Crimea tries its hardest to ally with Gallia. Gareth, I want to fight in this war."

"…" Gareth looked slightly crestfallen.

"Gareth, please understand that the Laguz are better than humans, and it's worth it to save them. And I've become friends with a few of the Beorc mercenaries."

"…That's the first time I've heard you describe any of the humans as Beorc except for your uncle and your mother. You've changed from living among humans." Gareth said.

"Gareth, I know which humans deserve to be called Beorc and which humans don't. A lot of these mercenaries…are good souls. But don't worry. None of them know of our heritage. And some of them are stupid humans but this mercenary band is one that I want to stay in. And besides, what about Stefan?"

"…All right, then Lenora. I'll stay in the mercenary band, too. But only because you're in it and Stefan too. And Soren, I hope that we'll become good friends." Gareth held out his hand. Soren held out his and they shook hands.

"Well come on, you two. Let's go to where Mia, Boyd, Mist, Rolf, and Oscar are digging for treasure over there." said Lenora as she began to dash as fast as she could to catch up with everyone else.

"Hey, wait up!" Gareth called after her as he and Soren ran after her. Since Soren was a mage, he soon was able to run past Lenora and it was Lenora and Gareth who had to catch up with Soren.

"Hey, Gareth?" said Lenora.

"Yeah, Lenora?"

"You and Stefan need to wear headbands! When you run, anyone can see your mark!"

"Oh, yeah. But the thing is, what should I use as one?"

"Uh…I know!" Lenora then rummaged in her bag for a bandage and handed it to him, "Just say that you bashed your head on a wall or something."

"Okay, thanks"

"What about Stefan? Should we worry about him?"

"He'll probably find something to use, like the white fabric that he wraps around the hilt of his sword."

"So he's a swordfighter like me?"

"Yeah, and he's damn good, too! He's like a graceful berserker! And I don't mean berserker as in the evolution of a bandit in this world, but berserker as in a Norse swordfighter who literally goes berserk and uses wild and random attacks in order to win a fight!"

"A graceful berserker, you say?"

"Hey, you two!" Soren called behind him.

"What?" Lenora replied.

"You might want to stop wasting your breath and run!" As they were on their way, the three Branded came across the shouting Gatrie and Brom, who were still sumo-wrestling at the same time, and surprisingly still in their armour.

"What in the crap?!" exclaimed Gareth.

"The blue golem is Gatrie, a stupid womanizer, and the black golem is Brom, a funny and nice guy. It's sort of scary hearing him curse…" Lenora replied.

"I don't get why any human would want to wear all that heavy armour." stated Gareth.

"They're probably wannabe Lions."

"Ha-ha, or they're just wannabe golems."

"True that, true that."

"Hey, what's that horrid noise?" Gareth asked Lenora, who replied,

"Oh, that would be Titania's horse rocking out on her base guitar."

"A what?"

"An ugly-sounding futuristic instrument that Titania's horse plays when it's extremely hot outside."

Then Volke shouted out for everyone to hear, "I HAVE FOUND A BUNCH OF GOLD WITH MY SKILLS!!! I HAVE WON THE TREASURE HUNT!!!!!!!!!! I AM OFFICIALLY THE LEADER OF THE NEUTRAL TEAM!!!!!!!!!!" then he started singing, "I AM THE CHAMPION, MY FRIENDS, I WILL KEEP FIGHTING, 'TILL THE END! I AM THE CHAMPION, _I _AM THE CHAMPION, NO TIME FOR LOSERS, 'CAUSE _I _AM THE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AND SO VOLKE OF THE NEUTRAL TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ilyana and Marcia yelled at the same time.

"NO, HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!" Stefan screamed, "ALL THE GOLD IN THAT CAVE IS _MINE_!!!!!!!!!! I, STEFAN OF LENORA'S TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NO, I'M A THIEF AND I'VE STOLEN YOUR TREASURE SO _I _AM THE WINNER!!!!!!!!!" Volke replied.

"SO VOLKE WINS!!!!!!!!!" Marcia shouted.

"OKAY EVERYBODY, LET'S ALL FORM UP IN FRONT OF THAT GREEN TIGER LAGUZ WHO KEEPS GIVING US THE EVIL EYE EVERYTIME WE PASS BY HIM AND AMBUSH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike roared so everyone could hear him and so all of the Greil Mercenaries were assembled in front of the Tiger and then everyone charged at him. But the space the Tiger was in was so small that people took turns attacking him once until he was tired out.

"Haah…haa…haa… We lose…" the Tiger grumbled.

"You!" Ike pointed at the Tiger, "You're the leader of this band, aren't you?"

"Yes…I am. I'll resist you no further. Take me with you or execute me here… I care not. But my companions… Would you let them go? …Please?"

"No! I won't allow it!" yelled some random kid.

"Huh?" Ike asked dumbly. Then a kid about the age of Mist, Rolf, and Sothe came running.

"I won't let you take Muarim!" he yelled.

"Grrr… Stay back, little one! You were not supposed to expose-"

"If you want Muarim, you'll have to kill me first!" the kid shouted.

"You're-" Ike stammered.

"Yes, he is a Beorc child. I claimed him when he was little more than an infant. He has nothing to do with us…sub-humans…"

"Stop lying! I'm here because I want to be! Who's the leader of the Laguz emancipation army? I am! You're a big jerk, Muarim! Trying to-"

"Hey shut-up, you!" Ike yelled.

"What?" the kid asked him.

"If I hadn't stopped you from talking for such a long time I would have gone crazy."

"Uh, okay…"

"Look, why don't you two just tell me what's going on. And keep the explanation short!" Ike demanded. So the fire mage kid named Tormod and the green Tiger named Muarim explained everything, taking turns talking frequently to prevent Ike from screaming and having a seizure.

At Begnion Castle it was confirmed that Gareth and Stefan would join Lenora's team and Tormod and Muarim would join the Neutral team, soon to be called Volke's team. Volke's team didn't really hold any meetings because they were neutral, meaning they weren't going to be involved in the conflict between Ilyana's and Lenora's teams. "Okay, everyone," Ilyana was saying, "We need to make sure we know that you're all loyal to Marcia and I by saying why you even joined our team. You first, Gatrie!"

"Okay, I joined because you and Marcia are cute!"

"…Moving on. You're next, Kieran!"

"I'm here because this group is more exciting than the other two!"

"Good, good, now it's your turn, Zihark!"

"I'm nice, so I decided to join the group with the lowest number of members."

"And you, Makalov?"

"I-I-I-I'm pink-haired just like Marcia my sister!" Makalov sputtered.

"Good, you're all worthy of joining the circle, so…welcome to the circle!" Ilyana replied.

"Yes, we're all cool! The six of us!" Marcia added.

"And we weren't very successful in intimidating Boat-monkey's group, so we're going to try again. So here's the plan…" and so Ilyana explained the plan.

"This doesn't look very fun for me…" Gatrie moped.

"But this plan sounds fun to me!" Kieran exclaimed.

"Gatrie, you can just stand and laugh, then!" Marcia suggested.

"Okay, I fell _much _better, now."

"The Boat-monkey's team had better be _very _intimidated and scared, next time we're in a battle! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!!" Ilyana cackled, "Join in, everyone!"

"MUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all laughed at the same time. Then they all shot each other an evil glare.


	17. Attonement or the Ghost in the Grave

Chapter Sixteen. The Atonement…or the Ghost in the Graveyard

**This is the chapter where they meet Duke Tanas and when most of the mercenaries are goofing off and playing an old-timey game. That's all I need to say. **

The Greil Mercenaries were marching to where Duke Oliver Tanas was to see if he was holding any Laguz slaves. "This Duke Tanas had better not be another stupid spoiled filthy rich bastard." grumbled Lenora.

"He probably will be." replied Gareth.

"If he is, let's vandalize the place!" Lenora said in a crazy-sounding voice.

"Lenora, are you serious?"

"Yep!"

"This a _Duke_, not just a random rich person."

"And your point is…?"

"Did you two vandalize rich peoples' houses?" Soren asked them.

"Yeah, we did. Lenora was always the ring-leader and I was her partner in crime. Sometimes we would team up with some of the street kids and just destroy rich peoples' houses, raiding their treasury." said Gareth.

"Wow, Lenora. You really _are _crazy. You too, Gareth." said Mia.

"Hey, just know that Lenora's crazier than me." Gareth replied. Then the mercenaries came upon a _huge _mansion.

"Yup, he's likely a filthy rich bastard." said Lenora. Ike and Soren told the guard to go get Duke Tanas and soon this _huge _Beorc came 'walking'-more like-penguin waddling up to the tacky-looking gate and opened it.

"AND HE'S A FILTHY-RICH BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora and Gareth yelled at the same time on purpose.

Oliver's eye twitched and he pointed at Ike, "Why do you bring such ill-mannered little brats with you? You should lock them in a cell for such impudence!"

"…Sorry…creep-uhcoughcoughthat'ssofatandcoughcoughcoughandyeahyou'recreepy…" Ike mumbled.

"Oh ho! Are you with a cold, Sir Ike?" Oliver asked, making his beady eyes stare into Ike's.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES I'M SICK BECAUSE OF HOW DAMN CREEPY YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed and jumped away from Oliver.

"Oh ho! But you mustn't be so afraid of Duke Tanas! Duke Tanas will make everything better!" and Oliver put his arm around Ike's shoulder. Ike panicked and started screaming bloody murder and tap-dancing at the same time. "Ah! You tap-dance! What impressive skill! I need you to be one of my minions so that I can watch you tap-dance all day!" Oliver admired Ike.

"Yep, I could tap-dance for three days! I've proven it!" Ike replied.

"Yes, isn't my crush so amazing?" Marcia asked Oliver dreamily.

"Oh ho! Yes, he is! You are a beautiful pegasus knight! Can you tap-dance too?"

"No, unfortunately not…"

"But the two of you both tap-dancing for me and my pet Heron to watch, oh, the good times!" Oliver said, also in a dreamy voice.

"Whoa, hold up!" exclaimed Ike as he stopped tap-dancing, "'My pet Heron'? You _are _keeping Laguz as hostages!"

"Oh ho! Oh no! Guards!!! Kill them! Kill them all! They are not to leave here alive!!!" Oliver ran inside his estate and a bunch of his soldiers swarmed the territory.

"Greil Mercenaries, Move out! Let's kill all of Oliver's soldiers and then we trash this place looking for the Heron!" Ike shouted as he drew his sword. When all of the soldiers outside were defeated, everyone in Volke's team charged into the estate to clear up the hordes of soldiers that were inside.

Outside, Ilyana was yelling, "Today we are going to play Ghost in the Graveyard!" Groans could be heard from Gatrie, Brom, and Soren.

"Here are the rules: One person, which will be Ilyana, will be the ghost. She will hide somewhere and while she is, we'll be at this small courtyard and count one o'clock, two o'clock, and so on until twelve o'clock and we'll say 'Midnight! I hope I don't see a ghost tonight!' Then we all run in either direction around the house, trying to get back to this courtyard. If we encounter the ghost, we yell, 'Ghost in the graveyard!' and you can't let the person who's the ghost touch you, otherwise you're a ghost, too! If you get back to the courtyard you stay there. Then once everyone's either safe in the courtyard or a ghost, we restart, but with the people who were ghosts, still ghosts, and we'll keep playing until one person is left still not a ghost! Whoever wins will determine which of our teams won." Marcia explained.

So then as Marcia went to hide, they all chanted, "One o'clock………twelve o'clock. Midnight! I hope I don't see a ghost tonight!" and so they all started running.

"Oh, screw this, we've got a Heron to save!" said Lenora.

"You're right," Gareth was saying, "let's do what we used to do, Lenora."

"Vandalizing the house?" Lenora asked him hopefully.

"Vandalizing the house." Gareth replied, "So what's your plan?"

"Let's climb up to the second-to-the-top ledge and break through one of the windows and we'll be able to find that Heron real fast and without much incident because that snooty duke won't expect us to win so he'll just be in one of the top floors with the Heron and we'll be able to catch him."

"Good idea. As for breaking that window…" Gareth trailed off and nocked an arrow. He took aim and shot one of the windows that was on the second-to-top floor. "Let's get climbing, then!"

"Yeah! Just like those good old days two years ago!" Lenora cheered as she and Gareth climbed up the bricks and ledges.

"I will follow you two, seeing as I have nothing better to do." said Sharky.

Mia ran past them and skidded in her tracks.

"Hey!" she yelled at them, "What the hell do you lunatics think you're doing?!"

"We're infiltrating the Tanas estate!" Lenora replied.

"AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME BEHIND?! I'M COMING WITH YOU!!!"

"Mia, don't!" Lenora cried, "You've never even climbed up a building before and we need to have as small a number in our group as we can so that we can be stealthy!"

"Oh, I'm going to go with you three because I'm _not _going to be stuck playing this stupid game, and besides, this mansion is huge! You're going to need a lot of people to pitch in! And we're going to split up anyway, right?"

"Count me in." said Soren.

"But you two are going to fall and kill yourselves!" Lenora still doubted.

"Lenora, This is easy!" Mia reassured her and began climbing.

"Hey, you're not too bad!" Gareth complimented.

"You're damn right!"

"Lenora, you're way to overprotective." said Soren as he was climbing up and he and Mia were both next to Lenora, Gareth, and Sharky.

"Whatever, let's just get inside the estate already." Lenora replied. When they all climbed into the window that Gareth had shot a hole into, they split up into three groups. "Okay, since Sharky can go through anything, he'll be in his own group and since Gareth and I are both experienced in sneaking, we'll both be in different groups. Mia since you fight close-range, you should go with Gareth and Soren, you're with me. Now this way if we're caught, we'll have a lower chance of getting killed."

"We should go this way." said Gareth, pointing to the hallway on the left.

"And Soren and I will go this way." said Lenora, walking towards the hallway on the right.

"And I'll go through the wall that is in front of us." said Sharky as he disappeared through the wall.

So as Lenora and Soren went into the first room on the hallway Lenora said, "Since this room is filled with tables and chairs…let's break 'em!"

"Lenora if we're going to kill this guy, do we really need to ruin his things?"

"Aw, but Soren I want to vandalize a rich bastard's house!"

"How about this, then: We'll find Tanas and trash one of his rooms in front of him." Soren suggested.

"_Oooohh_ good idea, Soren!" So Lenora and Soren went door-to-door looking for Oliver until they came to a hallway with a dead end and Mist and Titania were there, examining a bookshelf. "Whoa! How did you two get here?" asked Lenora.

"Ike told us to sneak around the place. I'm guessing that you two decided to sneak as well." Mist replied.

"Yeah, Soren, Gareth, Mia, Sharky and I broke one of Tanas's windows and have been looking for him… So what are you doing with that bookcase over there?"

"Titania thinks there's something suspicious about it."

"Really?"

"Aha!" exclaimed Titania as she managed to lift the bookshelf out of the wall and reveal a curtain. They could hear Oliver, Sharky, and an unknown voice talking:

"Oh ho! I have come across _another _thing of great beauty! An earth-bound spirit!" Oliver was saying.

"You are a sick human! Keeping this Heron in here! And you are more imbecilic than the Cajun seafood bandit and the weird obnoxious sand brain!" Sharky replied.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Such luster when you are angered! Just like my bird! I shall keep you too! But how to keep you? Oh!"

"Heron, I have sympathy for you, if I were a living land animal, I'd help you escape somehow!" Sharky said to the Heron, who replied,

"Uh…thank you…if you are from the ocean then what are you doing so far inland?"

"I have to follow Cajun seafood bandit and annoy her for the rest of her life because she killed me and turned me into Cajun seafood instead of giving me the Cajun seafood that was rightfully mine!"

"Are you saying that you're a cannibal?"

"Oh, clear blue oceans, no! I always eat Cajun seafood that is made from fish…small scaly fish."

"Oh ho! The two beings of lustrous beauty are talking to each other!"

Then outside the room: "Okay this is getting on my nerves. Let's crash this party." said Lenora. Soren and Titania nodded and so the four mercenaries burst into the room with their weapons ready. (Mist would fight by whacking people on the head with her staff)

"Oh ho! You jealous thieves have broken in! Come, my birdie let us fly away!"

"Are you INSANE?!?!?!?!?!?!" The Heron shrieked.

"Don't move, Tanas!" Lenora ordered, with her sword to his neck.

"Ah…" Oliver mumbled, then he stepped on a switch in the ground that opened a trapdoor that just happened to be right under him, and he rolled down a spiraling ramp and the trapdoor closed before anyone could jump after him.

"Urgh………..SHITDAMMITFUCKSHITTYBUNCHOFFATINSANETRASH WHO _REALLY _PISSES ME _OFF_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora screamed.

Then all of the mercenaries were in the room. "What happened, Lenora?" Gareth asked.

Then Ike went up to the Heron. "Ah! You're the Serenes-are you hurt?" he asked him.

"Stay back!" the Heron commanded.

"But…" Ike still walked toward the Heron slowly.

"Do not approach me! Cursed Human!" Then the Heron picked up a small statue, hurled it at a window, then flew away. "Remember the genocide twenty years ago! I'll never forgive you!!!" he called behind him as he was soon out of sight.

"Oh, crap…" said Ike as he hopelessly looked out of the window and saw Oliver waddling into the forest. "CHASE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he boomed and so then he, Lenora, and Gareth jumped out of the window and when they hit the ground they all rolled so that they didn't get hurt and then started running as fast as they could after him. Oliver remained in sight and the three mercenaries soon caught up with him. "Duke Tanas!" Ike shouted and put his sword to Oliver's throat.

"Oh ho! It's the tap-dancing wonder! Please spare me, oh skilled one. Please?"

"Hmm…Okay!" and so Ike stupidly let go of Oliver and Oliver immediately was 'running' again.

"You fucked up imbecile!" Lenora yelled at Ike before she, Ike, and Gareth started running again.

"Oh, crap I forgot that he was a creep!" Ike exclaimed while they were running.

"You are a scatterbrained commander." said Gareth.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… Yep, I am." Ike replied.

"Shut-up and use your energy to run!" Lenora barked at them. But somehow Oliver escaped and so Ike, Lenora, and Gareth had to return to where the rest of the mercenaries were. The neutral group was watching the game of Ghost in the Graveyard. The only people who hadn't turned into ghosts yet were Sothe, Lethe, Jill, and Stefan. They were all part of Lenora's group, and yet the game still went on. After a while, it was Stefan who won, because he was so agile.

"I HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted.

"CRAPDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ilyana yelled.

"SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!" Marcia screamed.

"GO, STEFAN!!!!!!!!!!" Rolf and Mia cheered.

The mercenaries were back in Begnion Castle and were given a chance to relax for a while. Lenora, Soren, Gareth, and Stefan found a spare room to converse in. "So all four of us are Branded, are we?" said Stefan.

"It looks like it." replied Lenora.

"So you know the dance of the sword?"

"Yeah."

"We need to swordfight soon."

"Sure. So what happened to you, Gareth?" Lenora asked Gareth, who replied,   
"Well, I managed to escape from those humans and then I just wandered around everywhere. Then a Branded found me and took me to the village in the desert. So what about you, Lenora?"

"I was just a drifter, doing all sorts of jobs like assassinating people, freelancing, and stealing, too. And then I met the Greil Mercenaries, including Soren three months ago."

"This is sudden…" Soren was saying, "Suddenly I've met three Branded for the first time in my twenty years… I've never been able to trust anyone at all until Lenora showed up."

"Dang, you've been living basically alone for that long?" Gareth asked.

"Yes. But Ike has been my best friend…"

"But you don't trust him enough to tell him what you are, do you?" Stefan inferred. Soren shook his head.

"Well, at least now you have us, Soren. If anyone finds out what any of us are they have a problem with us, then the four of us can just run away together. We could probably help defeat Daein in some other way." said Lenora.

"How would we?" Soren asked her.

"We could always sneak in there and wreak some havoc." she replied.

"Yeah, and instead of a rich person's house it's an entire country that we're raiding…sounds fun!" said Gareth.

"But then again, we just might be able to fight in this army without being found out." Lenora replied.

"Yeah, that would be cool…I guess…" Gareth replied.

"Lenora, I challenge you to a sword fighting match." said Stefan.

"But you're a swordmaster while I'm still just a myrmidon."

"Let's just see how good you are against me and I can tell you how far you are from becoming a swordmaster."

"All right." Lenora replied and so she and Stefan went to go find practice swords. Soren and Gareth watched the two swordfighters spar.


	18. Another Crazy Day

Chapter Seventeen. Another Crazy Day

**I probably could have written a few more details to this chapter but oh, well. In the next chapter there's a lot of screaming and fainting. **

During the days after the raiding of Tanas's house, the mercenaries were searching and searching through the forest for the Serenes noble. Then on one particular day they found Oliver and were ambushed by his hordes of soldiers. "Oh, crapdammitshit! I mean, Greil Mercenaries, time to attack!" Ike yelled as he drew his sword.

"No! I have a better idea!" shouted Mist as she, Rolf, Tormod, Jill, and Marcia went up to the enemies and started begging them to leave with puppy eyes.

"Please…? Please don't attack us." Mist's eyes were so huge and cute-looking and teary and the enemy's eyes started welling with tears and he replied,

"Okay, then…oh, sob I won't hurt you…" And so then he ran into the forest. Ilyana wanted to join in, but she made the enemies that she went up to go away differently than what the others were doing:

"I can eat dirt, you know." she said in that creepy hissy quiet voice.

"Uh…you're creepy…" said the golem that she was talking to.

"Do you want to see me eating dirt?"

"AH!!!...AH!...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEAR ASHERA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the golem screamed and fled the scene really fast, even in all of that armour. So soon, the enemies were all gone, so the mercenaries proceeded. There were more soldiers.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Ike.

"Don't worry, Ike," said Volke, "I know how to handle these ones. HEY, ENEMIES!!!"

"WHAT?!" yelled one of Oliver's soldiers.

"LET'S PLAY HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Volke replied.

"OKAY!" replied one of the soldiers.

"HEY!!!" shouted Ike, "_NO ONE _IMPERSONATES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'M IT!!! I'M GOING TO COUNT NOW!!!!! ONE!!!...TWO!!!...THREE!!!...F-"

"Volke, they're already gone," said Ike, "let's get going, Greil Mercenaries!" and so all the mercenaries continued to the next area while the stupid soldiers were finding a hiding place.

"Oh, _shit_!!!!!!!!" screeched Ike when he realized that he and his troop were all surrounded. _Hmmm… I wonder if these soldiers are afraid of rubber chickens as well…but the thing is, I left Frederick at the castle. I guess I'll just have to ask Sanaki the next time I see her… But as for now, I can always tap-dance! _Ike thought and then, no, he did not begin to tap-dance because Ilyana started eating the dirt and all the enemies around her that saw her all started screaming,

"OH, FUCKSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO _NO_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH ASHERA HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS FREAKIER THAN HEARING DUKE TANAS SINGING HIP-HOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" **(Actually visualize this and you'll laugh **_**extremely**_** hard)**

"Good job, Ilyana! But I think I'd better tap-dance in order to kill the rest of the enemies!" Ike complimented, and yes, he began to tap-dance.

And yes, all of the enemies saw him and started screaming, "OH BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY BOX OF MARSHMALLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHY, DEAR GODDESS, _WHY MUST I DIE SO GRUESOMELY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!_"

"THIS IS WORSE THAN LISTENING TO DUKE TANAS SINGING GIRLY POP MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" **(Visualize this as well)**

So the mercenaries were able to continue to the fourth area. "Hey, there's the Heron and he's just walking around over there!" Ike exclaimed and ran up to the Heron, but when he got close enough, he realized she was a girl. "Eh? Another Heron is hanging around in this creepy forest?"

"???" the Heron said.

"Huh?!" Ike replied and walked closer to her, "Listen, I'm hoping that you know how to speak Telliusan."

"???!" The Heron screamed and she passed out.

"Oh, crap!" Then Oliver came.

"Oh ho! There's my Heron!"

"Keep your filthy hands off of her! And we're going to find the Heron that you captured, too!" Ike shouted as he picked up the Heron and carried her on his back, and he could somehow still fight that way.

"Envious peasants! Guards! Attack!" and Oliver ran away as more stupid soldiers came out of the bushes.

"Oh my gosh, more soldiers!" Lenora exclaimed getting pissed. Then meteors came falling down on the mercenaries.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they were all screaming.

"Hey!" exclaimed Ike, "most of the meteors are falling near me! One of the enemies around here knows that I'm the commander and is a mage with a meteor tome!" So Ike dashed as fast as he could until he found the mage and before the mage could summon more meteors, he threw his sword at the mage, killing him. Amazingly, none of the other mercenaries were killed. Then Ike realized that he was surrounded by enemies, and Oliver was among them. He panicked and started tap-dancing.

Soldiers screamed: "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ASHERA SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WE CAN'T RUN, WE'LL DIE FROM THIS, REMEMBER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"OH, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and so they all died except for Oliver who was hugging Ike saying,

"Oh, you're so impressive and beautiful when you tap-dance!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed in fear and agony and extreme fright, trauma, and horror and he fainted. Then Tibarn came and killed Oliver. He, Janaff, Ulki, and Reyson walked over to the passed out Ike and the other Heron.

"That's my sister Leanne!" Reyson exclaimed and he started shaking her.

"And it looks like that tap-dancing dude was protecting her." said Janaff as he started shaking Ike.

Ike and Leanne both woke up at the same time and Ike yelled, "AH!!! What's going on? What are you Hawk Laguz doing here? Hey! You're the other Heron!"

"You said Laguz? You're a respectable one." said Tibarn.

"Leanne!" Reyson cried.

"Reyson!" Leanne cried and the two siblings hugged each other.

"They know each other?" Ike asked Tibarn, who replied,

"They're siblings."

"Really?"

"I don't lie, unlike you humans." Tibarn replied.

"Well, you don't have to be mean!" Then all of the mercenaries arrived.

"You all should see the apostle of Begnion," Titania said to them, "she's in this forest."

"I want nothing to do with the Begnion scum." said Reyson. And Lenora zoned out as everyone was explaining stuff and when they got back to where the apostle was, Sanaki was apologizing and Leanne convinced Reyson to accept the apology and then everyone was to go to an alter.

_This is boring oh so boring… _Lenora thought as she spaced out, _So boring oh so very damn boring… Hey! I know! I can write a song about this!_

"Lenora, we're going now!" Gareth called to Lenora.

"Ah! hold up!" Lenora ran after them and then everyone came to where there was a huge altar. Reyson and Leanne were standing on either side of it and then they turned toward each other. The Heron siblings sang a mystical song and the forest came back to life! The dark bluish-greenish trees became a natural green and the dead trunks the color of cockroaches turned into the color of mud, and the dark grass was a normal grass green. Butterflies appeared from nowhere, too.

Ike looked over at a nearby butterfly and said to it, "Dude, you're freaking me out… Hey! Stop flying near me!... HEY!!!!!!! HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO COME NEAR ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"W-wow!" Lenora cried as she and Mist were both spinning around in circles. When she was done, she said, "I'm so happy that this forest is so beautiful again! Stefan, let's swordfight right now!"

"All right then, you know, you're very close to becoming a swordmaster."

"Cool!" So they started sword fighting.

"Why the long face?" Gareth asked Soren, who was just watching the two fight.

"What do you mean?"

"You should look happier. Didn't you ever once get that nice feeling when you find yourself in a beautiful forest?"

"…Perhaps hardly. I didn't have time or at least, the right attitude to appreciate nature." Soren replied.

"Well, you should. You'll realize that there is some good in this world."

"…"

"Soren, come on," Titania was saying, "even you would feel a bit of joy in a forest like this, would you not?"

"…I suppose I would…" Soren just replied.

"Vaddap wit' all zis chaos, dude?" asked a voice with a weird accent that came from within the trees. Then a Beorc in his thirties came out of the woods. He looked like a normal person, but he definitely didn't talk like one. "Lenora and Gareth! Vee meet again, dawgs! Zat is just gnarley!" Lenora and Stefan stopped sword fighting.

"Braedon!" exclaimed Lenora and Gareth at the same time. They both shot each other an evil glare-oh forget this-they were good friends so they didn't shoot each other an evil glare.

"What are you doing here?" Lenora asked him.

"I a decided to travel through here, and I heard screamin' an' some soldiers were a runnin' about in fright an' now ze forest ees revived an' I see ye two!" Braedon replied.

"What's with the accent?" Mia asked him, "It sounds like a fusion of a bunch of accents."

"Ah, yes, because Braedon travels to all sorts of different worlds and times, he picked up accents from the places that he's been to and so he speaks with every accent mixed in." Gareth explained.

"An' I bet some o' you don't even know me. My name be Braedon, and I a sell ze items zat I a find in ze ozer vorlds an' times, dudes!"

"Wow! I remember that's where I got Frederick from!" said Ike, "Whoever wants to come with me to Braedon's shop, follow me! So Braedon, take us to your shop."

"Aye-aye. Come on, zen."

At the shop, there were a lot of different things, ancient, modern, and futuristic. The people that were there were Ike, stupid princess Elincia, Gatrie, Kieran, Rhys, Volke, Ilyana, Marcia, Oscar, Boyd, Rolf, Titania, Lenora, Mia, Soren, Gareth, Stefan, Jill, Mist, Sharky, Janaff, Sothe, Tormod, and Muarim. Since there were so many people, Braedon said that only five people at a time could look around. There was this young woman with him as well who was wearing a corset and a billowy skirt with a lot of layers. "You have an assistant now, Braedon?" Lenora asked him as she, Gareth, Soren, Mia, and Sothe were looking at the different things.

"Yes. Zis is Scarlet from a futuristic world an' she's 'ere 'cause mah shop's getting bigga an' zer are too many people asking 'vat is zis' and 'vat is zat' so I asked mah friend 'ere to assist me en selling mah vares."

"Oh, I see. Hello, Scarlet."

"Hello."

"What is this?" Soren asked pointing to a flashlight.

"Zat is ah flashlight. Press zat switch and ze light will turn on."

"…Huh?"

"'Ere, let me show you." and as Braedon was turning the light on and off and everyone was watching, Sothe tried to steal a plastic container that cost two-hundred gold, but he knocked something down and when everyone saw him trying to stuff the container in his bag; Scarlet hefted up her skirts and revealed a huge machine gun that was strapped to her leg. She got it out and aimed it at Sothe.

"You might want to put that back, urchin," she was saying, "this is a weapon from the future that can kill you in a heartbeat!" Sothe grabbed the nose of the gun and pointed it away from him.

"Don't point things at me." he said. Then Braedon got out a giant machine gun from out of nowhere and pointed it at him.

"I zink you should leave." he said.

"…" Sothe put the container back and scampered away. Lenora went after him.

"Hey Sothe, what was that for?"

"I just had a thief's moment." Sothe laughed nervously.

Lenora rolled her eyes, "Well you should have controlled it because Braedon is a really cool guy."

"I guess you're right." Sothe sighed. **(Ooh! That almost rhymes)**

"Well, I'm going back to the shop." said Lenora as she went back to Braedon's _illegal market_ that yes, stupid _Princess _Elincia was shopping at!


	19. Crimea Marches Into the Castle of Death

Chapter Eighteen. Crimea Marches Into the Castle of Death

**Holy shit I totally forgot about Devdan! Thanks for reminding me, Aquatic Idealist! So I just slipped a little part about him into the chapter. Enjoy! **

**And one thing is that there's this monster that screams stuff like: YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I'm so paranoid, I'm just going to say that if this idea was already taken, then I didn't know and I'm sorry. **

"Hey, Soren." said Ike as he and the mercenaries were marching toward Daein after he was promoted to being a lord by stupid princess Elincia and Lenora was promoted to being a swordmaster by weird hermit Branded Stefan.

"Yes, Ike?"

"Can you tell me about Daein?"

"Daein is a snowy place-"

"YAY!!!!!!!!!! SNOWBALL FIGHTS AND SNOWMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha-ha, yes, go on."

Soren raised his eyebrow and continued, "-with a lot of wyvern riders-"

"EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!! Not more giant flying things that might possibly try and eat me!!!"

"-and there are four riders. One of them is the disco champion General Petrine,-"

"That scary bitch?"

"-the golem king The Black Knight,-"

"The bastard who killed my father?"

"-some random golem named Bryce,-"

"Is he scary?"

"-and yet another golem named Bertram."

"ANOTHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike screamed in confusion.

"Yes, it seems that the only one of Daein's Four Riders that is actually riding a steed and not a golem would be General Petrine."

"The scary one!... So anyway, tell me about the fort we're going to attack."

"The fort would be Tor Garen, but the place is more popularly known as The Castle of Death."

"That sounds scary. Why?"

"Because of the wyvern riders, soldiers with foaming mouths, and their vile ways of torturing their enemies. And I believe that they've hired a _very _horrifying monster to scare their enemies to death."

"Yikes." Ike murmered.

When they got to the fort, there were indeed a bunch of wyvern riders near the entrance. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"No we won't." said Tanith.

"And why not?" Ike asked her snootily.

"Because Marcia and I are pegasus fighters, Soren is a wind mage, Ilyana can use wind magic as well, and Jill is a wyvern rider. The five of us can handle them."

"Oh, I see now! AH!!!!!!!!!!! SOREN WHAT ARE _THOSE _FLYING THINGS THAT ARE FLYING NEAR US AND GOING TO EAT US?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike shrieked.

"Uh…I think they're just Hawks and Herons. I think they're King Tibarn, Janaff, Ulki, Reyson, and Leanne." Soren replied, and indeed, it was them.

"Ah, Ike! Well met. It appears that you're getting ready for your first battle as Crimea's army." Tibarn said as he alighted down onto the ground.

"And you're escorting the Heron siblings back to Phoenicis, right?" Ike replied.

"That was the original plan, but… Someone here insisted that we follow you."

Then Reyson said, "You treated us with courtesy, Beorc. We must act accordingly. Isn't that so, Leanne?"

"???" Leanne was once again saying in the ancient tongue.

"You said you're name was Ike, correct?" Reyson asked him.

"Yes."

"You aided my sister and me during a time of danger. We Herons hold courtesy in high esteem. We must repay our debt to you."

"That's really not necessary." Ike replied.

"We are practitioners of seid magic. We cannot fight, but we can imbue our allies with strength. If you so will it, I will go with you. In this way I will repay you for what you have done."

"Hmm… Okay!"

"Thank you, Ike."

"It's settled then. And you'll get aid from me as well. Janaff! Ulki!" said Tibarn.

"Yessir!" they saluted at the same time.

"You two are to join them as well."

"Yessir!" they replied again. Then Tibarn and Leanne left.

"Let's get started, then. Now no matter what fears we may encounter, we must keep fighting! Everyone move out!" said Ike.

"Ike!" called Stupid Princess Elincia.

"Huh? What is it?"

"Um…" then Elincia hugged Ike, "Please be careful out there!"

Ike blushed and was fixing to start panicking and tap-dancing when Marcia tore Elincia off of Ike, "Get back, bitch! He's mine!" Marcia yelled.

"No, he's mine!" Elincia yelled back.

"Hey, I can see Ravens!" said Janaff.

"OH NO!!!!!!!" screamed Ike.

"First Naesala sells me to that human and now he takes the side of them? Unforgivable." declared Reyson.

"Oh, let's just kill the imbeciles already!" Janaff said as he transformed into Hawk form and went to go kill stuff…as in people…as in foaming-mouthed Daein soldiers…as in SNOWFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Looks like I'll get started too, then!" said Ike as he went after Janaff. Elincia had no choice but to leave the battlefield and Marcia had no choice but to assist in killing the wyvern riders.

"Hey, wait up!" exclaimed Rolf. He and Brom followed Ike. The rest of the mercenaries decided to goof off for a while before following as well. So Ike, Rolf, Janaff, and Brom were fighting in the entrance room of Tor Garen when suddenly a bunch of trapdoors opened and Ike and Brom fell in before the trapdoors closed again. "Eep!" Rolf exclaimed as he barely dodged a trapdoor and he and Janaff retreated. "Everyone, Brom and General Ike have been taken hostage!" Rolf told them.

"Are you serious?" Lenora rolled her eyes.

"We need to rescue them both immediately!" Rolf firmly declared.

"Wow. Rolf is actually acting _cool_." Boyd said to Oscar, amazed.

"Actually I think Rolf is acting cooler than you, Boyd." Oscar replied.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!?! DID YOU JUST DISS ME?!?!?!?!?!" the infuriated Boyd yelled, "YOU WANNA START SOMETHING, DULTHEAD?!!!"

"No, no, but come on, Boyd. We need to save the commander and that other guy." Oscar tried to calm Boyd down.

"Fine!" Boyd griped.

"So what should we do?" Mia wondered.

"We should wait until Soren the smart one is done fighting over there…" said Lenora.

"We don't have time to wait! We've got Titania the strong one with us! We can do this!" said Rolf.

"So what's your plan then, if you think you're so smart?" Gareth asked him.

"Uhh…we just charge in, watch out for trapdoors, and find another way into the underground dungeons." Rolf replied.

"Eh, a good enough plan." said Lenora.

Meanwhile Ike and Brom found themselves in a dungeon. "Oooh…I'm scared." Brom squeaked.

"Ha-ha! You have a funny accent! But you're right…I'm scared too." Ike replied.

"Aren't you the commander?" Brom raised his eyebrow.

"Hey, come on! Commanders can be scared, too! And I think a more appropriate title for me would be a _general_!" Ike retorted.

"…Let's just find a way out of here… Oh, I'm so, _so _scared!"

"Come on, Brom! Let's escape from here somehow!" Just then they could see huge glowing red demonic eyes.

"EEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!" Ike and Brom screamed at the same time and they were too frightened to shoot an evil glare at each other. Instead, they hugged each other.

"_Trouble…_"the monster mumbled in a creepy voice. "_You two have messed with my master's domain… YOU TWO ARE IN VERY BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_" the monster screeched.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike and Brom screamed bloody murder as loud as they could and everyone above the dungeon could hear them. They had, by this time, taken control of the entrance area of the fort.

"Ohmygosh!!!!!!!!!" Rolf, Rhys, Mist, and Tormod all gasped.

"The commander's being tortured!!!" Rhys sobbed.

"What are we gonna do?" Ilyana stupidly asked.

"Ah! When the hell did _you_ get here?" Lenora demanded.

"Tanith, Marcia, Lizard Lover, and Bastardly Whelp can take them on without me. I came to help you all." Ilyana replied.

"Well for your information Ike and Brom have been captured and they're being tortured." Lenora said.

"Oh…"

"So do we continue or not, Rolf?" Oscar inquired.

"Uh…"

"Oh, Rolf! Brother's being tortured and we can't find a way to save him!" Mist cried and embraced Rolf, whose face turned blood red, then purple, then violet, then, green, then dark blue, then hot pink, then red again, and then he fainted.

"MIST, YOU DAMNED MORON!!!!!!!" Boyd shouted, "ROLF WAS ACTUALLY ACTING COOL AND NOW YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Stupid damned, fucked up retarded faggoty shit-headed motherfucker dipshit!" he mumbled.

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!" Ike shouted from underground, "_NO ONE _CAN DISS _MY _STUPID SISTER EXEPT FOR ME, MYSELF, AND I!!!!!!!!! So…MIST YOU STUPID MORON, YOU!!!!!!!!!!! HOW _DARE _YOU KNOCK OUT MY SECONDARY TACTITION!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THIS BATTLE IS OVER YOU MUST COOK FOR THE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!"

"OH, DEAR ASHERA NO!!!!!!!!!!" a bunch of mercenaries were yelling.

"Think of a different punishment!" Lenora shouted.

"Oh, all right then…" then Ike got an idea, "Okay, Mist, when this battle is over we get to stuff you in a full barrel of beer and then we can draw rubber chickens all over your face! And we'll use ink that will last for a week!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist screeched. Then she fainted as well.

"All right, who's the new planner?" Lenora asked.

"Devdan thinks that someone should try making the monster laugh." said some weird forgein-looking guy in orange armour.

"Who the hell are you?" Lenora asked him.

"The name is Devdan. Devdan has an idea: Even the most cold-hearted enemies won't resist the sight of tap-dancing. Since Ike is so funny I think that his tap-dancing will make them and the monster laugh."

"Actually Devdan, Ike's tap-dancing will make the enemy soldiers scream in fright and die of wierded-outness." Lenora replied.

"Hmm…Devdan dislikes unnecessary killing…"

"Dude, these are our enemies we're talking about." said Lenora.

"I have an idea." said Titania.

"And what's that?" Boyd asked.

"I-uh-never mind-I mean-uh-All right… I can't believe I'm saying this but we'll need Frederick's help." Titania said with clenched teeth.

"Ike, where's Frederick?" Lenora asked through a trapdoor that had bars instead of a platform.

"I left him at the camp!" Ike frantically replied. "You'll have to send someone-AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Ike suddenly screamed and so did Brom.

"_BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG TROUBLE YOU TWO ARE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _the strange monster shouted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Ike and Brom were screaming again.

"Yikes…" Lenora uttered.

"Since I'm the fastest here and my ears are hurting like shit, I will go and fetch Frederick." said Ulki.

"Go, then." said Lenora. Ulki nodded, then left.

"Meanwhile we need to keep in control of this chamber." said Lenora.

"Well Lenora," Gareth was saying, "until Soren shows up, it looks like you have taken charge."

"Hah…" Lenora just grunted. So she, Gareth, Lethe, and Astrid guarded the entrance of the corridor that led to the rest of the fort.

Meanwhile, let's join our friends Soren, Jill, Marcia, and Tanith shall we? There was one wyvern rider left to fight, and so Soren told Jill and Marcia to go aid the others. Jill and Marcia did _not _do as he said, and instead, **(Rhyme! Yay!) **decided to insult each other: "Stupid damn lizard lover!" Marcia yelled.

"Shut-up you girly-looking prep!" Jill countered.

"That wyvern is an ugly _thing_!"

"At least I'm not riding a winged jack-ass!"

"Oh, let's settle this the bloody way!"

"Bring it on, preppy pink poppet!" And so Jill and Marcia dismounted their steeds and started ninja-fighting each other. In their armour. Then they started cat-fighting. Then they started dance-fighting each other. Marcia tried tap-dancing while punching Jill and Jill was disco-dancing/bitch-slapping Marcia. Soon Tanith and Soren approached them and they both looked at each other and each raising their eyebrow before splitting them up and so then the four of them soon caught up with the rest of the army.

"Soren!" Rhys exclaimed, "Thank goodness you're here! Ike and Brom have been captured and they're being tortured/scared to death by this weird scary monster in the fort's dungeons! And our most powerful fighter Lenora has been knocked out by Ilyana hitting her on the head with her tome so Titania has been in charge here."

Then Titania approached them, "Good, Soren. But I don't think we'll be needing you to concoct a plan because I can see Ulki approaching us with Frederick. We're going to use Frederick to scare the Daein soldiers off just like in those good ol' days."

"Uh, huh…" Soren nodded. Rolf woke up at about the same time that Ulki arrived. "All right, Ulki," Soren was saying, "just walk through the fort holding up the rubber chicken for everyone to see. Then they'll very likely flee the vicinity."

"Right, then…" so then Ulki did as Soren told him and walked through the hallway with Frederick.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" a Daein soldier screamed. More of them were screaming.

"I'M SO SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THOSE DAMNED RUBBER CHICKENS ARE DEADLIER THAN WATCHING GENERAL SHIHARAM SINGING AND DANCING TO THE MAKERENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW HE LIKED THE MAKERENA AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WELL HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I THOUGHT HE JUST LIKED SINGING AND DANCING TO BRITTNY SPEARS MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!" Jill yelled, "DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she then charged at the Daein soldiers with murder in her eyes.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S JILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THE SCARY GIRL WHO LIKES TO USE DURIAN JUICE AS PERFUME AND THEN FLIRTS WITH EVERYONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"YES!!!!!!!! SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then suddenly Ulki started shouting, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU SHIT-HEADS GIVING MY EARS A HEADACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So the Daein soldiers and Ravens were either chased off by Frederick, or they were slaughtered by Jill or Ulki.

"Okay, thank Ashera they're all gone…" Mia sighed, "But how are we going to defeat the monster that's torturing Ike and Brom? I don't think he would be scared of Frederick…"

"Let's just go and fight the monster. There's nothing else we can do." Lenora suggested.

"I say we explode a hole in the ground and then drop heavy stuff like Gatrie on the monster's head." said Gareth.

"Hey!" Gatrie exclaimed.

"I can help you all with your plan." said a voice. Kurthnaga and another Dragon was near the entrance of a fort.

"WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ALL STARTLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tormod exclaimed.

"What business do you Dragons have in Daein?" Soren demanded.

"We just came to help you all fight this monster here. Then Gareth and I will go back to Goldoa." replied Kurthnaga.

"What?!" Gareth the Branded was confused, "Why do I have to go to Goldoa?"

"Huh?" Kurthnaga cocked his head.

"You said 'Gareth and I will go back to Goldoa.'"

"I know," said Gareth the other Dragon. "Prince Kurthnaga and I will go back to Goldoa."

"Ooohh, we're both named Gareth!" Gareth the Branded figured out.

"Right then, who has explosives?" Lenora asked.

"I have the explosives left over from the time when I was trying to explode the Golden Fleece…" Boyd said before breaking down, "…and my precious rubber chicken Vulture was killed…wah-ha-haaaaaaaa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…"

"Oh, Boyd…" said Oscar as he started calming his brother down.  
"Boyd, do you have the explosives with you?" Lenora asked him.

"Sob yes…sniff…they're right here…sniff…" Boyd then handed Lenora a bunch of dynamite.

"Thank you, Boyd. All right then, everybody! Stand back!" and so then Lenora lit as stick on fire and then lit the fuse and jumped out of the way. Five seconds later…_KA-BOOOM!!! _Stone blocks flew everywhere and then the mercenaries looked into the dungeon. They saw Ike and Brom passed out on the floor and the weird monster was sitting near them and watching his two torture victims intently, as if waiting for them to wake up and torture them some more.

"Okay, Gareth! Jump at him!" Kurthnaga ordered.

"Yessir!" Gareth the Dragon obeyed.

"Uh…why?" Gareth the Branded raised his eyebrow.

"Not you, silly Beorc!" Kurthnaga laughed.

"_Ooooh_." Gareth the Branded replied as he and everyone else watched Gareth the Dragon transform into his Laguz form and jump onto the monster.

"_GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DRAGON LAGUZ IS IN TROUBLE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _the monster screeched and grabbed Gareth the Dragon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gareth the Dragon screamed.

"You're turn, Gatrie!" Lenora ordered.

"Ah…okay…" and so then Gatrie jumped into the pit and landed on the monster's head.

"_GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLUE GOLEM IS ALSO IN TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

"OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gatrie shrieked.

"It looks like I need to save the day!" Kurthnaga exclaimed before transforming and jumping on the monster's head.

"_GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

"OH, NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kurthnaga, wanting to uphold the honor of being a very powerful Dragon, flew up and started breathing fire at the monster.

"_OUCH!!!!!!!!!_" the monster yelled and let his arms go flailing about. Then Ike woke up, screamed, then finally thought of tap-dancing. The monster saw Ike and then started to scream, "_OHBLOODYHELLSHITDAMNSHITSHITSHITBANANAMARSHMELLOWGUESSWHATCHICKENBUTTSHITHEADYOU'REACARPFACEANDYOUSTINKSOBADASIFYOU'REKINGASHNARDJUSTAFTERHEWASINABALLETDANCINGCOMPETITIONANDLALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_" and so the monster fell dead. No longer living. No longer defined as existing in a living world. His spirit has passed on and gone to the afterlife. Dead… Dead… Dead…

"OH, HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KILLED A VERY SCARY MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _YEAH_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike cheered.

"I'm honored to have seen you all again." said Kurthnaga.

"It's good to see you again, too!" Ike replied.

"Our work here is done. Let's go, Gareth."

"Why?" Gareth the Branded asked.

"Shut-up, Gareth!" said Lenora.

"Hey! What did you say that for, eh?" demanded Gareth the Dragon.

"Ah! No, not you! I'm talking to him!" Lenora pointed at Gareth the Branded.

"Let's go, Dragon Gareth!" Kurthnaga said again.

"Yes, Prince Kurthnaga!" Gareth the Dragon saluted and the two Dragons said good-bye and left. Ike, Brom, and Gatrie were helped out of the dungeon and the mercenaries rallied up and prepared to leave. Little did they know that an ill-tempered sniper was watching and cautiously following them.

Back at the base; Lenora, Soren, and Gareth were on their way to the mess hall for food. "I'm in the mood for some good fish stew." Gareth was saying.

"Of course you are, Gareth." said Lenora.

"What do you think that monster is? And remember you said that Jill was petrified by a fake Golden Fleece? These things aren't found in Tellious." Gareth wondered.

"Maybe because Braedon has been frequently traveling through other worlds and dimensions, some things just follow him…I don't know." Lenora replied. Just then they saw Nasir standing in an isolated space, thinking deeply.

"You know, I'm suspicious of that man." Soren said quietly.

"Why?" Lenora asked.

"Because he doesn't seem to show much of a purpose for being here. Let's go and confront him."

"Okay…" Lenora replied.

And so the three Branded walked up to Nasir and Soren said, "Nasir."

"Eh? What is it?"

"You're job was to see Princes Crimea safely to Begnion and to see if she was worthy of Begnion's support. You've accomplished both missions, but you've come back anyway. To what end?" Soren demanded.

"I don't have to explain myself to you." Nasir replied.

"That's true only until I reveal your purpose to Ike."

"Everyone has a secret or two that he wants to bury somewhere deep. Including you…" Nasir trailed off.

Soren hesitated before saying, "…I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, I trust that we understand each other. The army rises early tomorrow. I say we turn in."

"The enemy knew we were coming today." Soren pressed.

"And you think I'm responsible?"

"Yes, I do."

"My, oh, my… You really ARE suspicious, aren't you? Good night, Soren." said Nasir before turning to leave.

"Hey!" Lenora exclaimed, "We're not done with you yet! Come back here, dammit!"

"Stop, Lenora." Soren mumbled.

"And why the hell not?" Lenora rounded on him.

"Hey stop it, you two," said Gareth, "let's just have some dinner and then go to one of our tents and discuss this."

"…Fine, then." Lenora retorted.

That night, Mist and Rolf were taking a stroll through camp together when they heard a rustling noise in the woods. "Eek! What's that?" Mist held Rolf's arm.

"Let's go check it out." Rolf replied.

"A-are you sure?"

"Don't worry, Mist. You've got a pirate impersonator protecting you, and besides, you can always whack your enemies with your staff."

"Okay, Rolf." so the two youths went into the forest and saw someone familiar.

"UNCLE SHIN-OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rolf screamed when he saw Shinon and Shinon back-handed him.

"Shut-up! Do you want to wake up the entire camp?"

"No!" Rolf squeaked.

"What are you doing here, Shinon?" Mist asked him.

"Saying good-bye to my pupil."

"What?"

"I'm with Daein."

"What?!... Sniff…" Rolf started to cry, "Why, Uncle Shinon?"

"Stop that. I told you things like this happen. Did you forget?"

"...But...it's...not... It's not...fair... Sniff..."

"I'm with Daein because I hate sub-humans and in Daein, if one is strong enough, they can be rich, famous, and recognized."

"But the Laguz aren't bad people, Shinon! Auntie Lethe is so kind to us! And Mordecai is cool, too! And Janaff is funny!" Mist said.

"…Pah. I'm going now. If you want to, you can come. But no whining!"

"Forget it, Shinon! I'm not joining Daein!"

"Good-bye, then."

"NO!!!!!!!!" Rolf shrieked.

"What's going on, here?" asked a voice.

"Brother!" Mist called.

"…Shit." mumbled Shinon.

Then Ike came into view, "Ah! Hey there, Shinon!"

"I didn't come to exchange pleasantries."

"Come back to the company."

"I don't think so."

Then Ike looked hurt, "You've never liked me. You've always called me names. You know what? How about a bet?"

"I'm listening."

"Let's fight. If I win, I'm still commander and you're my subordinate, and if I lose, you're commander."

"Don't worry, boy. I'll make it quick."

"Let's go then, bitch." So then Ike and Shinon started fist-fighting with Mist and Rolf watching in awe. Then, Ike mustered up all his strength and bitch-slapped Shinon as hard as he could and knocked him out. "Ha! I am victorious! Come on, you two. We need drag Shinon back to the camp."

"Okay!" Mist said, but not in Ike's trademark stupid voice.


	20. A Lot of Crushes, Fights, and Yelling

Chapter Nineteen. Enter a Lot of Fights, Crushes, and Yelling

**From the future: Haha it's pretty obvious I've used the word faggot the wrong way too much yes, I was a sheltered child.**

Lenora was in the forest next to the old mercenary camp and yelling, "Tome that I made Soren drop a bunch of months ago! Where are you?"

"Lenora, hurry up and find the damned tome." Soren ordered.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW?"

"YOU'RE GOOFING OFF AND DOING THE SPLITS!"

"WHAT?"

"Just hurry up and find my tome."

"And do tell me why you aren't looking for it too."

"Because you tripped me and made me throw my tome into the woods and I never had time to get it back."

"Fine, then!" And so Lenora continued to search for the tome. Then she saw it lying around on the ground. "Aha!" But then suddenly millions of tomes fell out of the sky and one hit her on the head. "Ouch! HEY TOME WHOEVER HIT ME ON THE HEAD YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!" and then Lenora saw all the tomes lying around on the ground. "OH, SHIT!"

"You'd better find the tome which is mine." Soren said.

"Oh, screw this!" Lenora retorted and ran away when Soren took out a jam-vomit-colored magic tome and said,

"FIND MY TOME BEFORE I FIRE EXPLOSIVE KAMAKAZI BARF AT YOU!"

"!" Lenora screeched in terror and picked up the nearest tome. "Are you Soren's tome?"

Yes, replied a tome, but I am not the real one. Soren dropped the one that is right at his feet.

"Ah! Thanks very much, fake tome!" and so Lenora dove at the tome that was right in front of Soren.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"THIS IS YOUR TOME, SMART ONE!"

"WHAAAAAAAT?"

" WELL?" Lenora shouted, standing up and shoving the tome into Soren's hands, but he wouldn't take the tome.

"Well what?" he looked at Lenora as if she were completely insane.

"TAKE YOUR DAMN TOME, YOU CRAP-DAMNED IMBECILLIC TWIT!"

"FINE, THEN!" Soren replied and took his magic tome from Lenora and stomped off mumbling, "Now that I've got that idiocy taken care of, I can now go and make sure that Shinon is searching for the Golden Fleece like Commander Greil told him to."

"But Commander Greil's dead, and Shinon's gone " Lenora said, but Soren was too far away to hear her, so she went after Soren to tell him, but she was suddenly in a room where Gareth (the Branded) and Stefan were digging for treasure in a room with walls and a floor made of stone. And they were trying to dig with plastic spoons. Then Nephenee burst through the wall talking on a cell phone.

When she saw Lenora, she said, "Hello. I'm glad to meet you. What was your name again? I only just met you after all."

"Dude, we've been acquaintances for about two months now. How could you not know my name?"

"Whatever do you mean? We've only known each other since like, an hour ago."

"Gareth, talk some sense into Nephenee, will you?"

Gareth replied, "I cannot, for I am dreaming."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"LENORA! CRAP! DAMMIT! STUPID HUGE BUNCH OF STONE! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DAMN COFFEE!" Lenora could hear Mia shouting from out of nowhere.

"Mia? Where are you, Mia?" Lenora asked.

"Lenora!" Soren came into the room through the hole that Nephenee had busted, "Lenora I need you to research about soda!"

"WHAT?"

"WAKE UP!" and then Lenora felt someone punch her in the side and she was suddenly lying down in a bunch of furry blankets in a tent and Mia was kneeling down on the ground with her fist clenched. "Finally you woke up!" She exclaimed. And Lenora finally realized that she had been dreaming.

"Oh I was asleep I had the craziest dream " Lenora was half-asleep.

"I can tell that you need a little of this!" and without further ado, Mia splashed cold water into Lenora's face.

"Ah! Hey! YOU LITTLE TWIT!" Lenora yelled before trying to take the bucket of water from Mia.

"Oh, no you don't!" Mia dodged Lenora and ran out of the tent.

"Blast!" Lenora put a tunic on over her shirt and pants (they were tight, so she didn't look weird), slipped on her boots, and dashed outside. She saw Mia running and gave chase. The high-level myrmidon and the very low-level swordmaster dashed through the camp until they came to a frozen river and they both slipped and Mia spilled all of the water on the river and it just froze as more ice and Lenora and Mia continued sliding. "Argh! I can't stop!" Lenora exclaimed.

"Neither can I!" Mia replied. Then Mist was sliding in their direction.

"Aaaaahh!" Mist was screaming.

"OH SHIT WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" Mia shouted and then Mist and Mia crashed into each other, making them both slide in opposite directions and Mia crashed into Lenora, resulting in the same effect. So Mia and Mist crashed again and Mia crashed into Lenora again and this repeated until Lenora was too far for Mia to be able to hit her again and soon, Mist was sliding in the direction she had come from and so were Lenora and Mia. After a few minutes of insane sliding and crashing, Jill and her wyvern, Janaff, and Ulki were able to rescue the three teenagers. Though, Mia was in her early twenties. But she could pass as a teen, so shut-up. And the next battle was boring except for the fact that there were flying pirates, A.K.A. Ravens, and Pirate King Naesala was among them but then Reyson and the Hawks were able to convince the lying faggot to withdraw and so the Daein army was slaughtered by Crimean and Begnion soldiers who were full of blood-lust. So then at the camp; Lenora, Soren, Gareth, Stefan, Mia, Jill, Sharky, and Janaff were hanging out together.

"Wow wow wow " Janaff kept admiring Sharky. "And you're name's Sharky! KAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"JANAFF YOU DAMNED LOUD MORON!" Ulki flew from some part of the camp, transformed into a Hawk, and started chasing after Janaff pecking at him.

"! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, GRANDADDY TIBARN?" Janaff screamed.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Ulki thundered.

"Sooo " said Lenora as the screaming Hawks were high up in the sky.

"I don't know " said Jill.

"Random." Gareth randomly said.

"Blah." said Mia.

"CAJUN SEAFOOD!" bellowed Sharky.

"Aw, Sharky are you missing the taste of Cajun seafood?" asked Mia.

"Yes " Sharky began to sob.

"Aw don't worry, Sharky." Mia tried to stop him from crying.

"Oh, I need to be alone " and so Sharky left. Then a drop of blood landed on the ground.

"What the ?" Lenora raised her eyebrow. Everyone looked up and saw Janaff and Ulki in a fight.

"I'd better go stop them " said Jill as she went to go prepare her wyvern.

"Oh crap, I forgot to go find my rival!" Mia exclaimed as she went running off someplace.

"Wow Somehow all four of us Branded are alone." said Gareth.

"Should we go to one of our tents to talk privately?" asked Lenora.

"Sure," replied Soren, "after all, we still haven't told Stefan about Nasir." so then they were all in the tent that Soren and Stefan shared and they filled Stefan in on what happened when Lenora, Gareth, and Soren had encountered Nasir the other day.

"So he somehow knows that we're Branded?" Stefan replied.

"I'm not sure if he knows that all of us are, but he probably knows that I am Branded " said Soren.

"So how are we going to foil Nasir's deception?" asked Gareth.

"Isn't that purpose why we're here?" Lenora asked.

"Right, then. Let's think of what we can do. We can tell Ike of this." Stefan suggested.

" Yes, we should. Ike needs to be wary of that man." Soren replied.

"Let's go tell him, then." said Lenora.

"We should tell Volke and Sothe about this too, so that they can perhaps stalk Nasir and eavesdrop on him." suggested Gareth.

"A good decision as well." said Soren.

"And Gareth and I are good at sneaking ourselves. We can help, too." Lenora added.

"It is settled, then." Soren said, "Lenora, Gareth, Sothe, and Volke can find out what he is up to. Meanwhile, we'll also warn Ike to be cautious and we'll tell him our plan."

"But this Volke, he's a rather shady character." Stefan uttered.

"Don't worry. Volke is easily controlled as long as he's given money." said Lenora.

After Lenora and Gareth asked Volke to help them and Volke said how much he would charge them Lenora went berserk and screamed, "WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY THAT YOU WANT US TO PAY YOU TWO-THOUSAND GOLD? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO DO WITH ALL THAT MONEY, YOU FILTHY-RICH BASTARD? I SWEAR YOU'RE LIKE A NOT-CREEPY DUKE TANAS!"

"If you do not approve of the bargain that I am offering you, then the deal is off." Volke coolly replied, now in an assassin-looking outfit.

Meanwhile, Soren and Stefan found Ike in the corner of his tent, tap-dancing, hyperventilating, and foaming at the mouth. Soren rolled his eyes, "What happened now, Ike?"

" I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! I CAN'T EXPLAIN THE HORRORS AT ALL!"

"Uh do you need Rhys or Mist?" Stefan suggested.

"YES, THAT WOULD BE NICE!" Ike screamed.

"Come on, let's go get one of the healers to tend to him." Soren reluctantly said as he and Stefan went to go look for Rhys or Mist. Better yet, they hoped to find both of them. After all, Ike looked extremely panicked.

"Bastardly Whelp and Crazy-looking Guy!" Ilyana yelled at them.

"Oh " Soren sighed as he and Stefan stopped to hear what Ilyana had to say.

"I have come to tell you who has joined our teams: Shinon joined our team-"

"-What do you mean by Shinon?" Soren asked her.

"Shinon was on Daein's side but Rolf, Mist, and Ike convinced Shinon to stay. Now let me finish my sentence: Ulki, Reyson, Devdan, and Tanith joined the neutral team and Janaff joined you all's team." Ilyana said.

"Right. I'll make sure to inform Lenora of this. Let's go, Stefan." Soren grabbed Stefan's hand and so the two Branded continued to search for Rhys and Mist.

"HEY!" Ilyana yelled, "I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU BASTARDS YET! COME BACK HERE YOU YELLOW BASTARDS!" Ilyana then ended up chasing after Soren and Stefan. "I'LL BITE YOUR HEADS OFF!"

"SHUT-UP!" raged Janaff as he swooped at Ilyana.

"NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING FAT MOUTH!" Ulki and Ilyana shouted at the same time. They both shot each other an evil glare.

"DAMN BOTH OF YOU FOR SCREAMING SO FREAKING LOUD! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" Ulki screeched as he started attacking both Janaff and Ilyana. So basically they were in a three-way fight.

"Well, at least our pursuer is distracted now." said Stefan.

"Let's keep looking for one of those healers." Soren replied. Then he had an idea. "I have an idea." he said as he stopped.

"What is it?" Stefan asked.

"This is something that worked back at the mercenary camp when I was looking for Mist because I needed her to translate what Ike was trying to say. You see, he used to have this problem when he would start spewing out random words that didn't make sense and only Mist could understand him. You might want to plug your ears."

"Okay, then." Stefan replied as he cupped his hands over his ears.

Soren then yelled, "MIST! I HEARD A CHICKEN CLUCKING!"

"OHMYGOSH WHERE?" Mist came running out of nowhere and made her eyes stare right into Soren's and then she started growling at him.

"AUGH! Get off!" Soren shoved her off of him.

"WHERE'S THE DAMN CHICKEN?" Mist demanded.

"SHIT-DAMMIT YOU FAGGOTS!" Ulki screeched and came flying at Soren, Stefan, and Mist.

"!" Mist screamed and fainted.

"Aw, shit " Soren cursed as he saw Mist collapse on the ground and saw Ulki flying at them in bird form. But Stefan used his awesome back-flipping skill to kick and knock out Ulki.

"Whew." Stefan said in relief.

"Stefan, we need to wake Mist up. Either that, or I'll have to scream out that I found a bottle of beer for Rhys." Soren said.

"Can't you just whisper in Mist's ear that you heard a chicken clucking?" Stefan suggested.

"Hmm " Soren then whispered what Stefan suggested and Mist immediately woke up and grabbed Soren's shoulders and demanded,

"Where is the chicken? I'm feeling half-asleep and demented right now! Soren! You're so much more handsome than Rolf! Oh Soren " Mist leaned her head toward Soren with her lips puckered.

"Ah! Get a grip on yourself, Mist!" Soren jumped back and slapped her.

"Oh! Ohmygosh was I briefly cheating on Rolf? OH MY GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" Mist screamed.

"Mist! Forget what just happened! Your brother needs your help!" Soren said.

"Ohmygosh what's happened to Ike, now?" Mist shrieked.

"Just get all your healing supplies and then we'll go to Ike's tent!" Soren hastily replied.

"Right!" and so Mist, Soren, and Stefan quickly made their way to Mist's tent; then after they had a heal staff, a bunch of bandages, a bottle of diet coke, a box of mentos, a bag of vulneraries, a snowball, a mend staff, a physic staff, a gamecube, nail clippers, and a bottle of beer; they brought all of these supplies to Ike's tent. So together the three of them cured Ike of whatever made him panic so.

"Mist, we're finished with what we need of you. Get out." Soren rudely said. Mist stuck her tongue out at Soren and then she gathered all of her healing supplies back up and lugged them all back to her tent. "Ike, Nasir is a snitch who also knows that I'm forget it. Just be cautious of him." Soren said when Mist was gone.

"Aw, Soren, you mustn't hate on Nasir! He's an awesome person!" Ike replied.

"Ike, he doesn't fight, heal, or gather information! The evidence is against him! He's a traitorous spy!" Soren insisted.

"Well then, I'll just be more careful around him. Thank you for the warning!" Ike replied. "Now I need my nap!" Ike then immediately passed out on the floor.

"Umm let's just go look for Lenora and Gareth." Soren said as he and Stefan headed out of Ike's tent. So he and Stefan exited the tent and they saw Lenora and Gareth round the corner of Ike's tent and both Soren and Lenora saw mistletoe randomly hanging above them. Then they realized that they were both standing under the mistletoe and they looked up and saw Marcia somehow standing on the top of the tent and she was holding mistletoe hanging on a string.

Lenora and Soren looked at the each other, back up at Marcia, back at each other and then they both went red in the face and screamed at the top of their lungs, "" They both fainted.

"Marcia, you faggot!" Gareth yelled and picked up a nearby rock and threw it at her. Marcia was hit on the head and so she fell unconscious as well.

"Well, it looks like we need Mist's help again." sighed Stefan.

"Does Devdan detect angry attitudes?" Devdan came walking towards Stefan and Gareth and the unconscious Lenora, Soren, and Marcia. "Did Lenora, Gareth, Soren, Stefan, and Marcia get in a fight here?"

"Uh you could say that " Gareth responded.

"Devdan should go and fetch Mist or Rhys." Devdan replied and so then he walked away to go look for a healer.

"Well he's kinda weird." said Gareth. Stefan nodded in agreement.

"Hey!" called Jill as she came running toward Stefan and Gareth.

"What is it, Jill?" Gareth asked her.

"Janaff and Ulki are in a fight again, and I need to know if you've seen Reyson anywhere." Jill replied.

"I haven't seen him except for on the battlefield this morning." Stefan said.

"Lenora and I saw him flying around in the forest. We saw Tanith bugging him about protecting him but then we just decided to leave the matter." said Gareth.

Then they could hear Janaff screaming, "GRANNDADDY TIBARN WHERE ARE YOU? AND WHERE ARE YOU, GREAT-GRANDADDY NEALUCHI?"

"ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE PART RAVEN? YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKED-UP IMBECILLE!" Ulki shouted.

"HEY! I DON'T HAVE TO TOLERATE THIS, YOU KNOW! AFTER ALL, I'M THE ONE WHO'S THE OLDER OF THE TWO OF US!" Janaff shouted back.

"WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU 'CAUSE I'M SMARTER, STRONGER, AND SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!" Ulki shouted as he and Janaff continued fighting. Just then Reyson came walking up to Gareth's group.

"Aren't you going to do something about that?" Gareth asked him.

"Oh, they fight like this all the time," Reyson replied, "in fact, even though they fight a lot, Janaff and Ulki are actually best friends."

" What?" Gareth looked at him like he was crazy.

"Ulki just gets horribly pissed off when someone talks too loud or yells. Unfortunately, Janaff has a very loud nature." Reyson sighed. "Tibarn is always having to yell at them to stop and I get too overwhelmed by their attitudes. Herons are very sensitive to the energies and emotions that flow through the air."

"Well you all must lead peaceful lifestyles at Phoenicis " Gareth answered. Then Devdan and Rhys came to where they were and Rhys made the three unconscious mercenaries drink two cups of beer mixed with jam vomit and they immediately woke up.

"Hah!" Marcia laughed, "Don't think that I forgot about what you two have to do now!"

Lenora groaned, "Shut-up. We don't have to."

"Yes, you do!" Marcia countered.

"How about this," Soren suggested, "In exchange for Lenora and I not kissing each other, you and Ike have to kiss each other."

"Ike?" Marcia gushed and blushed and looked dreamy for a second. She then yelled, "I LIKES THE SOUND OF YOUR PROPOSISTION!" She then scampered off to tell Ilyana.

"Whew! Thanks for that, Soren!" Lenora clapped her hand on Soren's upper back.

"No problem." Soren smiled.

"Ah-um " a voice sounded from behind a tent.

"Hm? Who's there?" Stefan asked. Then, Stupid Princess Elincia came out from behind the tent.

"Ohmygosh!" Rhys whispered to himself and waved at Elincia a bit.

"Um Rhys your healing is nice You're cool " the stupid princess said.

"Re-really?" Rhys blushed.

"Uh yes you're an excellent healer and you're kind and hello " Stupid Elincia awkwardly replied.

"Just spit it out, will you?" Lenora said.

"Don't talk down to Elincia!" Rhys barked at Lenora.

"Wow okay damn." Lenora replied.

"Dang, Rhys, you don't have to get all huffy." said Gareth.

"Err-well sorry " Rhys apologized.

"Oh, don't worry, Rhys!" Stupid Princess Elincia tried to cheer him up, "I just wanted you to know that I like both you and Ike, but seeing as going after Ike would earn me competition I like you " then Elincia's face turned blood red, then pink, then purple, then light blue, then normal blue, then navy blue, then sickly green, then orange, then pink again, then grey, then vomit-red, and then she fainted.

"Oh, dear Ashera!" Rhys gasped and started feeding Elincia the beer and jam vomit. Elincia woke up, saw Rhys, and fainted again! Rhys gasped again.

"Don't worry, Rhys." Devdan chuckled, "Devdan thinks that Mist should take care of Princess Elincia."

"Oh okay, then MIST, I HEARD A CHICKEN CLUCKING!" Rhys yelled.


	21. Defending Good Times

Chapter Twenty. Defending…Good Times

**I had no idea what to name this chapter, so there's the random title that sort of makes sense. **

One morning Ike and Soren were discussing plans in Ike's tent when Titania entered the room and said, "Good morning, you two. Ike? Are you all right? You look so sleepy!"

Ike replied, "I've...had a lot on my mind. I meant to sleep last night, but I was up thinking. Before I knew it, it was morning."

"Wow. Ike _thinking_? I wonder if Soren will start being polite?" Titania wondered out loud.

"Well, Titania. I had no idea that you wanted to see the day when I would start talking politely." Soren started saying, "Would you like a drink and then demand that everyone start admiring your beautiful radiant red hair?"

Ike just about had a heart attack: "Hack! Cough! Uh………OHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAST THOU DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! _WHAT HAST THOU DONE_?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike continued shrieking and even Titania looked a bit shocked, but then both she and Soren rolled their eyes when Ike started tap-dancing.

"Oh my gosh…" Titania put her hand on her forehead. "Ever since Ike learned to walk he would always attempt to tap-dance. We all thought he was adorable until shortly after he turned eleven years old. And stupid Mist would always scream a lot even before she learned to talk. I blame it on the fact that Greil always had the tendency to try to impersonate a whooping crane…"

"…Do you have any idea why Mist is so fascinated with clucking chickens?" Soren asked her.

"Yes, Ike would always tell her the ghost story about some zombie from Daein would be afraid of the sound of chickens."

Just then Ike stopped tap-dancing. "Whew! Soren, it's a good thing we know each other well, other wise I would be tap-dancing a very long time!"

And then Mist came charging into the tent, "BROTHER OH MY GODDESS MY MEDALIAN'S _GONE_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ike shouted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Titania yelled.

"Titania, how do you know…whatever!" Ike quickly shut his mouth.

"IKE OH MY GOSH MY MOMENTO OF MOM IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist screamed.

"WELL, RETRACE YOUR STEPS OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike thundered.

"NO!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT MY MEDALIAN WAS ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE AND THEN IT DISSAPEARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S ROLF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Mist replied, starting to cry.

"Well, Mist…it's not your fault." said Ike.

"…But…but…"

"STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE FREDERICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike was pissed and he stormed out of the tent.

Titania and Mist then left and Soren found himself alone in the tent. So then he decided to go and find one of the other three Branded or something.

After a few hours, the army left to go do some more invading and pillaging. Ulki then said, "Ike."

"What is it, Ulki?"

"I hear the sound of rushing water just ahead. A lot of it."

"Rushing water?"

Soren then said, "According to the map, there's a large river up ahead."

"That must be what you hear." said Ike.

But Ulki refused to believe him, "This is unnatural. Warped. It is not the sound of a normal river..."

Then a soldier came. "General Ike! Sir, we've got trouble! The road ahead is blocked by water!"

Then Stupid Princess Elincia asked them, "What? How can that be?"

The soldier replied, "Perhaps a local river has flooded. The whole region is soaking wet."

Ike asked him, "Is the road completely impassable?"

"No, sir! We can move forward, but the water's turned the ground to mud. And the water is still flowing at a tremendous rate, sir! This is going to cut back our speed dramatically."

Then Soren said, "This is the work of Daein. They thought to impede our progress in order to gain some time for themselves. And they've succeeded.

"Blast! Is there nothing we can do?" Titania wondered.

Soren replied, "Well... If they were able to flood the road only when we approached, there must be floodgates in the area.

So Ike then said, "So if we can close them, we'll shut off the flow of water, right? That makes sense. Let's get some scouts looking for gates.

Janaff overheard their conversation, "What's that? Hey, if you're looking for something, leave it to me. I AM the hawk king's eyes, after all!"

"What do you mean?" Ike stupidly asked him.

Janaff replied, "These peepers of mine can see for miles and miles. They're quite handy. It would be a shame not to use them.

"Is that some laguz power? You're a hawk with the eyes of a...hawk?"

"It beats your fantastic wit! My eyesight isn't a racial ability, it's

just my own natural talent. Heck, my pal Ulki has ears that can hear

grass growing on the other side of the country."

"I see. Well then, the job's yours. Do you think you can find the floodgates?"

"I just look for some openings with a lot of water pouring out, right? Yeah, I can handle that!"

When the army was approaching a town, they saw the floodgates. "Those are the floodgates!" Janaff pointed at the floodgates that were on the other side of the town.

"If we can close them, the water will recede in about twelve hours our so." said Soren.

"All right, let's get going!" said Ike.

"Right then! I'm ready to kill some shitheads!" exclaimed Lenora as she drew her totally awesome water sword.

"Hah! So am I!" said Gareth as he nocked his bow, ready to shoot the first enemy he saw. Mia, Stefan and Soren were with the two and the five of them went to the left where there were a bunch of wyvern riders.

Meanwhile, Rolf was suddenly screaming, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR FACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Mist started to weep, "Ike, Boyd, Marcia, and Janaff did this… They stuffed me into a barrel full of beer just before the battle and then they used these permanent markers to draw all these rubber chickens on my face! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!" Mist embraced Rolf.

"Oh my gosh!!!!!!!" Rolf yelled in shock before fainting.

"Oh, no!" Mist exclaimed.

Ike saw this happen and he simply slapped his forehead, "Mist, you're such a damn moron…"

Mist then became angry and then she completely and totally snapped, "DAMN YOU, IKE FOR BEING SUCH A DAMN STUPID FUCKED-UP FAGGOTY SHITTY DAMN CHICKEN LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE THAT STUPID CHICKEN OF YOURS AND EAT ITS HEART OUT AND TEAR ITS FILTHY INNARDS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDESS ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE FREDERICK FROM MY HOMICIDAL STUPID LITTLE SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed like there was no tomorrow as Mist started chasing him around the town trying to kill him…or at least thwack him on the head…or cut a lock of his hair off and feed it to her pet toad!

Meanwhile, Kieran and Boyd winked at each other and they both took out a bottle of mead and uncorked it. "Well Boyd, time for us to liquor ourselves up!"

"True that, Kieran!" Boyd replied as he and Kieran both started drinking.

"BOYD! KIERAN!" Titania boomed, "YOU TWO MORONS STOP DRINKING WHILE IN A BATTLE, _RIGHT NOW_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Aaaahhhhomygosh!!!!!!!!!" Boyd cowered and threw his bottle of mead as far as he could. It hit Lethe on the back of her head.

"AH!!! What the hell?!" Lethe yelled.

Boyd and Kieran just sat there, and Titania continued to glare at them. "Dude!" Boyd nudged Kieran on the shoulder.

"Oh!" Kieran replied and also threw his bottle of alchohol. And that one also hit Lethe as well.

She then shouted, "OKAY THAT'S IT!!!!!!!! WHO THE FUCK IS THROWING BEER BOTTLES AT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Lethe saw Shinon and glared at him.

"Don't look at me!" Shinon replied.

"Hey Titania, can we go, now?" Boyd asked her.

"…Fine." Titania replied and she rode into battle to help Ike, Calill, Oscar, and Ulki. Boyd and Kieran got up and then they both got out a bottle of champagne and started chugging it down. Shinon and Gatrie both saw this and decided to join in by getting out a bottle of beer.

Meanwhile; Lenora, Gareth, Soren, Stefan, and Mia were killing enemies where a cabin was nearby and then suddenly a bunch of reinforcements of wyvern riders came flying towards them. "Ohmygosh!" Mia yelled in surprise.

"Get into this house!" Stefan yelled at them. And so the five fighting comrades rushed into an unlocked house.

They found themselves in a house where an old man started yelling at them, "You! You filthy Crimeans! Get out! There's nothing here that you bandits would want!" he started waving an awesome and powerful and expensive-looking staff at them. The 'visitors' just stood there awkwardly. When he realized that waving the staff at them wouldn't work, he suddenly started screaming the weirdest gibberish ever: "I SEE WEIRD TALKING TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A BANANAMELONSTRAWBERRYBARBECUEDTATERTOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANDOHMYGOSHGUESSHOWCHICKENSEATCOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND VERY SOON I'M GOING TO SPAZZ OUT AND START BELLY-DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh…we get the point…" Lenora said. After all the insanity they were around, the members of the Crimean Liberation Army were pretty much immune to this person's futile attempts to scare them out.

Then Mia said, "Oh, for goodness sakes, give me that damn staff and we'll spare your life!" She then went over and grabbed the staff from him.

"AH!!!!!!! HOOLIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!!! UTTER HOOLIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, we most definitely _are _getting the freaking crap out of here, you stupid annoying geezer!" Mia yelled as she and her friends all stormed out of the house. And the wyvern riders were just outside of the house waiting for them. Aw…how sweet of them!

"Oh…" Gareth simply gawked.

"What the bloody hell are we going to do now? Die?" Mia asked.

"YES!!!!!!!!!!" Sharky came from behind the house, "PLEASE DIE, CAJUN SEAFOOD BANDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN FINALLY BE REUNITED WITH THE WONDERFULL BEAUTIFULL EXQUISITE TASTE OF CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED GOURMET CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SLIGHTLY SPICY, SOMEWHAT DICY, GLORIOUS HEART-WARMING GORGEOUS MOUTH-WATERING EXCELLENT WONDEROUS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BANANA BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Aw…Sharky… I feel sorry for you…but I'm not about to die!" Mia was determined.

"So…how exactly are we going to survive?" Soren asked.

"Fight! Fight! And Fight!" Lenora whooped as she immediately started to cut down the nearest enemy. And so they all broke into a gigantic frenzy which Janaff, Ike, Sothe, Calill, and a bunch more Daein soldiers joined. Then before they knew it, all the enemies were defeated and nobody died! Oh my gosh!

"And I didn't have to use Frederick's help today!" Ike proudly shouted.

"HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone roared, especially Titania. Heck, even Ulki didn't mind the loud yelling.

Then a Begnion soldier came up to Ike and said, "General Ike, sir! All of the floodgates have been closed!"

"Great! Soren, tell me the damage so far!" Ike cheerfully shouted in Soren's ear.

"Ah! Don't do that again! And why do you expect me to know everything?"

"Because you _do_ know everything!" Ike stared into Soren's eyes.

Soren pushed him back, "Ugh, stop acting like Tanas."

"OH MY GODDESS, SOREN!!!!!!!!!! DO _NOT _REMIND ME OF THAT FUCKED-UP CREEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now tell me the damage done to these lands, tactician! Otherwise I'll have Rolf replace you!"

"Let me think…Ah, yes, the crops were destroyed. Genius, maybe if you didn't provoke Mist so much you would've been able to save more of the farmland and villages." Soren smartly replied.

"You know, that enemy general didn't seem to be too happy about the floodgates being opened either." said Titania.

"Well in this case, let's donate food, water, and money!" Stupid Princess Elincia suggested.

"Elincia!" Ike yelled, "I like the sound of your plan! But there's only one flaw in your plan!"

"Huh?! And what is that?"

"They've already got a lot of water, you dolt head!"

"Oh!" Elincia blushed blood red.

"Don't worry, Elincia. You're fine." Rhys encouraged.

"Thanks, Rhys!" Elincia replied.

"Ike, Elincia, this is a bad idea." said Soren.

"And why is that, Soren?" Ike asked him.

"We need all the junk we can hoard up! We can't go wasting our stuff!"

"I don't care! We're donating!" Ike declared.

"…Idiocy…" mumbled Soren.

"Hey, Ike!" shouted Marcia.

"Yes, Marcia?"

"Guess what?"

"What, chickenbutt?"

"No, this is what: Soren and I made a deal that you and I have to kiss!" Marcia replied. Ike's eyes, widened, and he gasped, and gasped for a long time. Then he panicked and chucked a random frying pot at Lethe.

"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lethe thundered at Ike, "IT WAS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS THROWING BEER BOTTLES AT ME EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _WEREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!_ YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Ike screamed. _Scratch! Slash! Bite! _Ike was totally shanked by Lethe and he passed out.

"LETHE!!!!!!!!" Marcia shouted, "DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!! I NEARLY HAD IKE IN MY ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What are you going to do about it? I'm so much stronger than you, you know." Lethe replied coolly.

"Well-um-well-um…paperclip…" Marcia stupidly replied.

"For Ashera's sake, what the bloody hell is a paperclip?!" Lenora yelled.


	22. Chapter 21: Without a Bit of Sanity

Chapter Twenty-One. Without a Bit of Sanity

"Ohmygosh! Lenora! Lenora! Lenora! Lenora! Lenora! Lenora!!!" Mia was bouncing up and down. Lenora had told her that she was strong enough to be a swordmaster.

"Mia, kneel." Lenora drew her water sword and remembered how Stefan had made her into a swordmaster. "I, Lenora, make you an official swordmaster." she tapped Mia's shoulder and then sheathed her sword. "Rise." Mia did as she was told.

"Wow…I feel so awesome!" Mia cheered as she took out a pouch full of coins. "I need to buy myself the most awesome sword that I can afford!" and so then she scampered off. Then Soren came along.

"Hey, Lenora." he said.

"Yes, Soren?"

"Calill saw me training and said that I'm powerful enough to be a sage, and so she promoted me."

"Great job, Soren! I just now promoted Mia to swordmaster!"

"And I think Gareth wants to find a Begnion sniper to promote him. After all, Shinon is on the other 'mercenary team'."

"That's awesome! So all of us will soon be on the upper class of fighting!" Lenora replied. Then Marcia came. "Oh shit, what the hell do _you _want?" Lenora's joyful expression turned into an aggressive one.

"I just want to tell you, _boat monkey_, that Rolf has joined the neutral team."

"What?! Why the hell would he?!"

"Because Shinon is his teacher and he considers that bitchy cat named Lethe to be his 'auntie'. Bye-bye for now, cute couple!" Marcia then threw a spitball at Lenora and Soren before running as fast as she could. Lenora and Soren both managed to dodge it.

"Gosh, that damn girl pisses me off!" Lenora growled. "You know, Soren?"

"What is it?"

Lenora's face suddenly brightened up and looked happy, "Since it's winter, let's sing some winter songs! Mia and I both made one up last night!"

"You can sing it, but I won't."

"Aw, Soren, come on!"

"I've never tried singing before."

"Well now's your time to try, then!"

"No, thank you."

"Come on, Soren! No one's going to make fun of you!"

"Oh, all right then…ah-" Soren sung a small little note when Ike jumped out from behind the nearby tent and started laughing and pointing,

"OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, SOREN IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey Soren, I want to hear you sing this: I feel pretty! I feel pretty! I feel so pretty, and pretty, and-OUCH!!!!!! FULL OF PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed as Soren hit Ike on the head with his tome.

"Ike, you interrupted Soren when I was teaching him a most wonderful skill: singing! You fag!" Lenora put her hands on her hips and glared at Ike, "Now both of you shut-up and not do anything while I sing the song that Mia and I concocted last night! Here goes!

_Blasting through the snow, in a creep's giant ship,_

_Over the hills we go, crashing all the way,_

_Sharky tried to make pottery out of clay,_

_When a rubber chicken just got in our way and you don't want to know what happened! _

_Oh, jingle bells, Marcia smells, Frederick laid an egg,_

_That's right, Frederick is a male hen,_

_Ilyana lives in a pig pen!_

_Jingle bells, Ashnard smells,_

'_Cause he just did a ballet dance,_

_And now we're about to break his glass, kick his ass, _

_And then Frederick will show him who his daddy is!_

**(Yes, I know that the end doesn't fit the song, but it's still hilarious)**

And there's how my song goes!" Lenora gasped in a huge breath. "Whew! I never stopped to take a breath in the entire song!"

"Lenora!" Gareth came running towards Lenora, Soren, and Ike.

"Yikes, what is it, Gareth?"

"I'm a sniper now! I managed to find a Begnion sniper to promote me!"

"That's great news, Gareth! And Mia's a swordmaster, too!"

"Awesome!"

"Hey, it's getting about time to invade the capitol!" Ike exclaimed.

"Really? Cool! So this war is finally going to end…" said Lenora.

"When everything's settled down Lenora, Stefan and I will probably go back to our village. You should come with us! And Soren, you can come too if you want to."

"My place is with Ike." Soren replied.

"Hmm… We'll see, Gareth." Lenora said.

"…All right, then. We'll work something out." Gareth shrugged it off. They couldn't discuss things at length out in the open.

"Right, then! It's time for me to rally the troops!" said Ike.

Before they knew it, the Crimean Liberation Army was inside the castle of Daein. "Everyone, be careful!" Ike warned. Then a rumbling sound could be heard behind them.

A panicked soldier yelled, "They've closed the gates! Sir, we're trapped in this castle! Run! Ruuun! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'VE CUT MY HEAD OFF AND YET I'M STILL SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" another guard was yelling.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed as loud as he could. "Dear Ashera! Look around you! No one has attacked!" Then Titania came.

"Ike!" she shouted.

"Titania! Where is Princess Elincia?"

"She's fine. She's with the supply convoy. They're all under very close guard." Titania replied.

Then Ike said, "Soren, is this the enemy trap? And make sure you're right because after all you _are _the dude who knows everything."

"…It could be…actually…it is." Soren replied.

"If so, to what end?" Titania asked him.

Then Soren said, "Apparently we should just fight our way to the king and get this over with."

"Okay!" exclaimed Ike, "Everybody, I think the enemies are in that room over there." Ike pointed to a door. "Let's go see if that's so." And yes, there were a bunch of enemies in the next room. "Crimean Liberators, move out!" Ike shouted, and the supposedly last battle began.

"I'm ready to go kill some Daeins!" exclaimed Janaff as he and Ulki both transformed into Hawk form and they both went to go and kill the nearest Daein soldiers. Lenora, Soren, Mia, Sharky, Gareth, Stefan, and Ike were right behind them.

"Hiyaaah!" Lenora yelled as she struck down a Daein soldier.

"Hey look!" Mia exclaimed, "I wonder what's in the next room? Sharky! You go and see what's in there!"

"All right, then!" Sharky replied as he went through the wall and into the next room. There were two treasure chests on the ground and about five or six Daein soldiers were sitting around a table and each of them had a bottle of wine and they were all singing, with one soldier solo-singling with the rest of them being the chorus: "What is the malt and liquor? What gets you drunken quicker? What comes in bottles or in cans?"

"BEER!!!!!!!!!!"

"Can't get enough of it!"

"BEER!!!"

"How I really love it!"

"BEER!!!"

"It makes me think I'm a man!"

"BEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sharky went back out of the room and reported, "This is what's in the room: There's a couple of treasure chests and a few soldiers drinking ale."

"Well, I'm going to break into that room and get that treasure and that ale!" exclaimed Gareth, "Lenora! Let's use our break-the-door-down-technique!"

"Right!" Lenora replied as she and Gareth and the rest of their group went to the door. Then Lenora and Gareth picked up Soren.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" Soren exclaimed.

"We're breaking the door down! What do you think?" Lenora replied, "Okay, Gareth! On the count of three!"

"Ah!!!" Soren yelled and struggled.

"One!" Lenora and Gareth yelled.

"No!!!"

"Two!"

"Ike!!! Don't be a-"

"Three!"

"MoraAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Lenora and Gareth hurled Soren and the door and Soren, somehow unhurt hit the door and the door crashed open and the soldiers looked up and saw the intruders.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A CHOCOBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE EVEN MORE FEARSOME THAN RUBBER CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ARE THEY MORE FEARSOME THAN THE ENEMY GENERAL'S TAP-DANCING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"I HAVE NO DAMN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'M SO TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S JUST DIE ALLREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and the Daein soldiers all fell dead.

"All right! Let's see what's in these treasure chests!" said Lenora. She got out a lock pick and started to pick the lock of the chest. Gareth got out his own lock pick and started working on the other chest.

"Wow! You two aren't in the thief class and yet you both can pick locks?" Ike asked in fascination.

"Well, when you're someone who trashes and steals from nobles' houses, you've got to know how to!" Lenora replied. "Hey, look! I found an awesome knife! Check it out!"

"Wow…" Gareth and Ike admired it.

"Hee-hee!!!" Ike cackled as he grabbed the knife from Lenora.

"Ike! Noooo! Give it back, you damn idiot!" Lenora yelled as she tried to grab the knife from Ike.

"I bet this knife will make me look cool when I tap-dance!"

"Oh goodness, Ike! We're in the middle of the most dramatic battle in our lives!" Mia yelled and she and Gareth tried to grab the knife from Ike.

"So what, Ike? Are you trying to learn how to dance-fight?" Lenora sighed, exasperated.

"Yes! I want to be able to dance-fight so that my enemies can die a charming death!" Ike replied as he struggled against Mia and Gareth.

Meanwhile; Sothe, Lethe, Ilyana, Marcia, Zihark, Rolf, and Mist were fighting a bunch of soldiers. Marcia, Ilyana, and Zihark were conversing during battle and killing Daein soldiers at the same time. "Hey, you two." Said Zihark.

"What is it?" asked Ilyana.

"I've been thinking of joining Volke's team."

"Oh, why?" Marcia asked him.

"Well, I don't like the idea of bullying around Lethe and Janaff. They're Laguz and I don't want to be enemies with them."

"Oh, but they're not the only Laguz in the army." Marcia replied.

"Hm, I guess you're right. I'll stay on this team, then. Though I'd like if I didn't have to play my pranks on them." said Zihark.

"All right! You're still on our team!" Ilyana cheered with glee.

"…Yup." Zihark simply replied.

"Ah!!!" Mist screamed. A Daein soldier had snuck up from behind Mist and homicidally threatened her with his axe.

"Mist!" Rolf yelled as a soldier was chasing Mist around in circles. "Ye scurvy scallywag!" Rolf became angry and prepared to attack the soldier that was chasing Mist.

While this was going on; Lenora's group as preparing to leave the room that they had stormed when Boyd and Kieran entered the room. "Aw, shoot! You all have finished raiding this room?" Boyd belted his axe.

"Ohmygosh I see beer on the table there!" Kieran dismounted his horse and ran over to where the beer was.

"Hey! No drinking during battle!" Soren yelled. "Ike, please tell Kieran and Boyd to get away from the beer because they're not…Ike!" Soren was appalled to see that Ike was also drinking beer with Boyd and Kieran.

"Oh, come on Soren! Every soldier needs a good ol' bottle of beer during battle!" Ike replied.

"Kieran, get out of here! You're on the pink poppet's team!" Lenora said.

"Whacha say, ya hot-head wench???" Kieran was already tipsy.

"Dammit, you guys!" Gareth slapped his forehead. Then Gatrie and Shinon entered the room.

"We smell beer!" said Shinon.

"Ooh! I see beer!" Gatrie charged at the table and grabbed at a bottle of beer.

"Dammit, three of you are on the damn poppet's team! Get the hell out!" Lenora yelled.

"Yeah, you bitches!" Mia also yelled.

Gatrie was also tipsy and said to Mia, "You're such a cute huge rubber chicken!" he picked her up in one hand.

"AAAUGH!!!!! LET ME GO, YOU CRAZED STUPID GOLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mia shouted and started flailing her arms and legs around.

"DAMMIT, GATRIE!!!!!!!" Lenora and Gareth yelled at the same time. Then a huge and epic bar fight broke out and then Calill randomly came in and started fiddling and Ulki was playing the flute and Jill was singing. Sharky joined in the singing, too. But Jill had to kick him off the band because instead of singing about alcoholic products, Sharky was singing about Cajun seafood and refused to sing about anything else.

"Oh, ode to my beloved Cajun seafood!" Sharky was singing.

"…my great goblet of mead-Sharky, shut-up!" Jill's song was interrupted. Soon Shinon was drunk enough to tape a custom-made fireworks and a cherry bomb on one of his arrows, and he nocked the said arrow onto his bow and blew a hole through the ceiling. A bunch of traumatized Daein soldiers fell from the upper floor and when they found themselves in a room full of drunken Crimeans and they got so confused that they all started to belly dance while one of them started to rock out on an electric guitar. What ensued from that was that Calill, Ulki, and Jill started to shank the guitar player until he stopped and joined the belly dancing. Then the three Crimean/Phoenician/Daein musicians continued to play music.

"My gosh, what is it with Daeins belly dancing? I mean, there was that old geezer who threatened to belly dance when we were invading that town!" Gareth exclaimed.

"There's an epidemic, that's why!" Soren answered him while he was wrestling with Ike and Boyd.

"I hope Crimeans are immune to it!" Lenora yelled as she was thwacking Shinon over the head with her water skin.

Hours later, everyone was near the chamber where Ena the Dragon was guarding the entrance to the throne room. All the drunken Crimeans were sobered up and everyone was fit to continue on. "Ike, that huge white golem over there is going to be troublesome. I suggest that you, Titania, and Lenora go take him on." said Soren.

"Okay! Titania! Lenora! Follow me!"

"Aye-aye, sir!" Titania and Lenora replied at the same time. They both shot an evil glare at each other. So they went over to where the golem was while the rest of the army took out the rest of the Daein soldiers in the area.

"Hiya!" Ike charged at the golem. The golem dodged and then he and Ike found themselves in a staring contest. Then Ike freaked out and screamed, "DAMMIT YOU CREEPY BASTARD, WHY THE BLOODY CRAP ARE YOU STARING AT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"I'm very sorry, but the way you charged at me reminded me of a friend of mine. Only he charged in that particular way."

"Are you talking about my father?"

"You are the son of Gawain?"

"I…think… Oh, yes! I now remember that he used to call himself that! I'm Ike! I'm glad to meet up with someone who knew my father!"

"I am Tauroneo. Your father and I were very great friends. How is the old goat?"

"He's…dead."

"OHMYGOSH HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Tauroneo was extremely taken by surprise at this fact.

"The Black Knight killed him!" Ike pouted.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Tauroneo asked.

"I have a sister named Mist who's even stupider than I am!" said Ike proudly.

"…Oh, screw fighting on Daein's side, I'm joining you."

"WOW!!!! OH MY GOSH ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike was astonished.

"Yes, now let's go find and defeat our enemies."

"Hey, look! All the Daein soldiers have been killed and there's a pink Dragon in front of the entrance." Lenora said. "Wait… I sure hope that she isn't girly like the stupid damn poppet."

"Let's go talk to her, then!" said Ike as he went over to where Ena was. "Hey there, Dragon! Did Kurthnaga send you to help us?"

"…No…I'm on Daein's side."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" Ike was dumbfounded. "WHY?!?!?!?!"

"…We want this conflict to end. In that case, Ike, you must fight with me. I am not going to let a single one of you enter the throne room until you have killed me." Ena replied.

"Well, she doesn't exactly act like what she looks like." Lenora whispered to Mia, Gareth, and Nephenee, and all three of them nodded in response at the same time. They all shot each other an evil glare.

"Everybody, fight this Dragon with all you've got!" Ike shouted as he, Lenora, Titania, Gareth, Shinon, Mia, Stefan, Rolf, Tauroneo, Gatrie, Muarim, Tormod, Soren, and Calill all attacked Ena at the same time. Her deadly Dragonbreath forced Titania, Mia, and Gatrie to retreat to where Mist and Rhys were ready to heal them. While they were fighting and Ena was getting exhausted, Gareth noticed her getting out a bottle of healing elixir and decided to pilfer it from her.

"Ah! Dammit!" Ena cursed. Soon, she was too tired out and then she panicked and began to flee.

"After her!" commanded Ike and everyone chased after her.

"STOP IT!!!!!!!" Nasir entered the scene and bellowed at the Crimean army, making them all halt in their footsteps. He watched Ena hesitantly escape.

"So you're the traitor…YOU'RE THE TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOREN AND STEFAN WERE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE, THIS TRAITOROUS BITCH-ASS IS OUR CAPTIVE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAB HIM, MUARIM AND TITANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And in the throne room, Ashnard was nowhere to be found and they had to threaton a priest with Frederick in order to find out that Ashnard was in Crimea. "SHIT-DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone screamed at the same time. They all shot each other an evil glare and Janaff knocked Ulki out before he could do any damage.

So the traitor was held captive and everyone was at camp, moving on to the next place to raid. Ike, Soren, and Titania were in the tent/cage that Nasir was being held in. "Okay, Nasir, I want you to tell me what the crap is going on and how much the enemy knows! And you'd better not have told them that I like to talk to my pet rubber chicken!" Ike demanded, holding a fluff-looking hawk's feather threateningly in front of Nasir's face.

"…" Nasir didn't reply.

"Oh, that's it!" Ike started tickling him.

"AH!!!! AH-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY I'LL TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TO-HA-HA-PALMENI TEMPLE-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW OH DEAR ASHERA HELP-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nasir yelled and laughed as he was being cruelly tortured. Everyone could hear the noise and Rhys, Mist, and Rolf all cowered in a little dark corner. But they were all kicked out of it by Volke.


	23. Soren's Solo Song

Chapter Twenty-Two. Soren's Solo Song

"Ah, what a bummer." Gareth was saying as he, Lenora, and Soren were hanging out in Gareth's and Stefan's room. After taking over Daein Castle, everyone stayed in a room instead of a tent. Stefan was training Ike and Mia. "We still have to fight this war… I mean, we're going to basically have to invade yet another country…"

"Oh, well. At least now we can go kill more stupid Daeins." replied Lenora cheerfully.

"I'm surprised that we've made it this far. It's probably because I'm such an awesome genius." said Soren. All three of them chuckled at that.

"You know Soren, you've become a lot…how should I put it…happier." said Lenora, "I mean, lately you've been saying small jokes like that."

"Well, I guess It's because I have you two and Stefan now. I feel like I'm not alone anymore…"

"Well, that's great." Gareth said, "I remember when I'd never stay in one place for more than a couple of years or so, because I was so afraid that someone would see my Branded mark one day or I would stay too long and someone or another would notice my slow growth. I'm surprised that no one in the mercenary group remembers that you, Boyd, and Ike once looked the same age."

"Yes, the forgetfulness of humans is appalling." Soren replied.

"Soren, now that Ike's not here to interrupt, why don't you try singing the song that Mia and I concocted?" Lenora suggested.

"Oh, do I have to?"

"Yes! Don't worry, Gareth and I are going to sing as well."

"Okay…"

"Right, then!"

And then the three Branded were starting to sing, "Blasting through the snow, in a-"

And then Ike burst into the room, "OH MY GOSH, SOREN'S SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"DAMMIT, IKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora and Gareth yelled and then started beating Ike up.

"Wasn't Stefan giving you and Mia sword fighting lessons?" Lenora demanded.

"He dismissed us a while ago!" Ike replied.

"Yes, we were just finishing up." Stefan said, who was standing in the entrance of the chamber.

"Well you sure picked the right time to finish…" Lenora mumbled. Then a soldier knocked on the door.

"Excuse me, General Ike, but reinforcements from Begnion have arrived." the soldier's muffled voice was heard.

"Okay!" Ike replied.

The soldier hesitated before saying, "He wants to talk to you."

"Okay!" Ike said again before going out to go see what was up.

"Whew, at least that nuisance is gone. Let's get back to singing!" Lenora said.

Soren sighed as he and the rest of the Branded started singing, and heck, he utterly enjoyed himself during the song!

In the late afternoon, Ike led Lenora, Soren, Gareth, Stefan, Mia, Janaff, Ulki, Reyson, Mist, Titania, Boyd, and Volke to the place that Nasir told them to go check out. A bishop was told to take them on a tour. But something was kinda fishy because he kept on stuttering: "Uh…Th-this is a-a very l-large room... Mind th-that d-demon over there…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist screamed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING IN PLACE LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike yelled, "This is obviously a trap! Everyone, get in your fighting positions!" Then a very weird bandit came out.

"Gwar-har-har!!! You managed to get them to fall for it!"

"F-forgive me…" said the bishop.

"Bloody, I knew something like this would happen…" Ike slapped his forehead.

"I don't know how you got wind of us, but showing up in such a small group means you're outta luck! None of ya are gettin' outta here alive!" yelled the bandit named Schaeffer.

"We've just fought our way to the Daein capital. You're not even going to slow us down!" Ike replied haughtily.

"Cocky, ain't ya? But who said this was gonna be a fair fight?"

"Huh???" Ike stupidly asked.

"Bring out the rest!" and suddenly a bunch of feral ones, bandit fighters, and priests came out. "Ha! The priests can be our shields! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the- THESE ARE INNOCENT PEOPLE, YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRIMEAN LIBERATION ARMY, ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike shouted and a huge fight broke out. The demon was pissed off by the commotion and started gypsy dancing to be distracted by the fight.

"Well, at least he's not causing us trouble!" Boyd exclaimed.

As he was getting ready to slaughter an enemy priest, Ike snarled at him, "BOYD!!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ANY OF THE PRIESTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR ASHERA'S SAKE, JUST AT LEAST SHOVE THEM, INSULT THEM, TACKLE THEM, BUT _NO KILLING OR MAIMING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

"Okay, okay, crap!" Boyd belted his axe and pushed the nearest priest. "Ha-ha! This is actually pretty fun!" And then he started to push all the priests he could find, and heck, he utterly enjoyed himself during this battle!

Meanwhile, Lenora decided to bitch-slap the priests that got in her way. "Ha-ha! great idea!" Janaff laughed as he started bitch-slapping priests as well. Gareth, Soren, and Mia started bitch-slapping the priests as well. And then, everyone was bitch-slapping all of the enemies and knocking them out. But then Ike went to go kill Schaeffer and then he sheathed his sword and went to go find more enemies to slap. But he couldn't find any enemies so he slapped Soren.

"Ow!" Soren touched his face and then he slapped Lenora, who slapped Gareth, who slapped Mia, who slapped Reyson, who slapped Janaff, who slapped Ulki, who slapped Boyd, who slapped Stefan, who slapped Titania, who slapped Mist, who slapped Volke, who slapped Ike for starting this stupid slap-fight. The slapping continued in this circle until Leanne came swooping in and sung a galdr song and everyone was so captivated by her song that they stopped.

Instead of saying hello to Leanne, Reyson just yelled at her, "Leanne! I actually enjoyed that slap-fight! And then it stopped! It's all your fault!" and so Reyson bitch-slapped Leanne. Just as this was going on, Tibarn came into the cathedral and landed right next to Leanne and right when she was slapped, she staggered and accidentally slapped Tibarn.

"Oh! Oh, so this is how you want it, eh?!" Tibarn yelled and then he slapped Janaff, who yelped in surprise and decided to slap Lenora, who slapped Soren, who slapped Ike, who slapped Boyd, who slapped Volke, who slapped Ulki just because he wanted to slap him, who slapped Mia, who slapped Mist, who slapped Gareth, who slapped Titania, who slapped Reyson, and so this circle continued until Tibarn got pissed off and then he bellowed, "DAMMIT, STOP!!!!!!!!!" Everyone stopped. "Well, now that that's taken care of…"

"Tibarn!" Ike, Reyson, Janaff, and Ulki all said at the same time. They all shot each other an evil glare.

"I'm here because Leanne tried to sneak out of Phoenicis!" Tibarn replied.

"Eh-he-he…" Leanne rubbed the back of her neck.

"Leanne, I hope you're happy that I'm going to put bars on your windows and you're to always have an escort with you." Tibarn scolded Leanne. "And Reyson, I'm sorry to make you worry, but from now on I'm going to make sure that Leanne doesn't sneak out again."

"Thank you, Tibarn."

"You're welcome. Come, Leanne."

"???, Reyson, Janaff, Ulki, Ike."

"Bye, Leanne!" Everyone said at the same time. They all shot evil glares at each other but there were so many people that they got very mind-boggled and then they all fainted.

A few hours passed, and the demon stopped gypsy dancing and everyone started to wake up.

The demon saw the mercenaries and a bunch of the priests wake up and he groaned and mumbled, "Dang mortals…"

"Uh…Why is there a demon hanging around in a church? It's freaking my sister out." Ike asked the bishop named Tomenami.

"Uh…because he's my drinking buddy. Anyways, thank you very much. I never imagined that we would be rescued by soldiers of an enemy nation."

"There was no way we'd cut down innocent priests being forced to fight against their wills!" Ike replied.

Then Stupid Elincia said, "We bear no ill will toward the kingdom of Daein itself. We wish only to reclaim the homeland which was unjustly taken from us. That is the reason we fight. We had no desire to invade this land. If nothing else, please believe that."

"AH!!! When did you get here?!" Ike yelled.

"I…followed you guys."

"Okay… You must have been worried about me! Thank you so much, Elincia!" Ike replied and attempted to hug Elincia.

"Ah! No, Ike! I'm with Rhys!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You mean…you don't…have a crush on me anymore…?"

"I still do…but Marcia and Aimee will give me a hard time…"

"Hmm… Okay!"

"Uh…Here's an Ashera staff. It'll help heal everyone." Tomenami handed the staff to Ike.

"Hey, give it to my stupid sister Mist!"

"Thanks very much!" Mist took the staff from Tomenami.

"We'd like to take a look around here." said Ike.

"Oh, yes, definitely!" Tomenami replied.

"Let's get searching, everyone!" said Ike.

After a few minutes, Mist was screaming, "IKE!!!! IKE OH MY GODDESS GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REYSON'S IN A TRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I BLAME IT ON THAT DAMN DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Huh…?" Ike went to go check it out. "What's the matter, Reyson?"

"He's been like this from the moment he set foot in this room. He's just staring at the walls!" Mist said.

"What the hell is all this writing?" Ike looked around on the walls.

"It's the ancient language. The same language that spells are always written in." said Soren.

"Can you read it, Soren?" Ike asked in wonder.

"Only a little. Reyson and Leanne can, though. This seems to be a complex narrative. I'd say that someone has been imprisoned here and got so terribly bored, that he or she started writing on the walls. I found this white feather under the bed." Soren held up the feather.

A few hours later, Lenora, Mia, Gareth, Boyd, Janaff, Jill, Sothe, and Volke demanded that Soren tell them everything. "Let me get this straight," Lenora was saying, "Ike's and Mist's mother knew the older sister of Reyson's and Leanne's?"

"Yes, and Ashnard wanted her to release the dark god from the medallion." Everyone was awestruck.

"Whah! I want my granddaddy Tibarn to read me a bedtime story and sing me a lullaby!" Janaff cried. An awkward silence ensued. "Oops. I didn't want to say that out loud…" Soren then just randomly sung a song. Lenora had to threaten Ike by holding a knife to Frederick's throat in order to keep Ike quiet. But then Boyd and Kieran yelled, "OH MY GOSH, SOREN'S FREAKING SINGING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

**Yeah, this chapter's kinda stupid… But I kinda liked it. **


	24. The Great Dance Competition

Chapter Twenty-Three. The Great Dance

Soren and Gareth sat in their tent on the eve of the next battle when Ike burst into the tent. "Soren! Are you in here?!" Ike looked around and then he spotted Soren, who was lying on the ground because Ike had kicked him by accident. "Ah! Soren!"

"Ike, wha-" Ike picked Soren up and took him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes, shaking him,

"Soren! Oh my gosh, Soren you have got to help me!"

"Gosh Ike, what is it?" asked Gareth.

Then a female voice was heard from outside the tent: "Oh, no... How strange. I was sure he'd come this way. Yooo-hooo?!"

"Ike, put me down." said Soren.

"Isn't that voice the voice of that merchant woman, Aimee?" Gareth inquired.

Aimee then started calling out again, "Commander! Ike? Where have you gone, handsome?!"

"Oh crud. Soren, Gareth, I think I'm going to start tap-dancing!" Ike cowered behind Soren.

"Did you run in here to escape?" Soren asked him.

"Yes." Ike squeaked.

"Ha! I don't blame you!" said Gareth.

"I know, whenever that woman corners me, it takes forever to get away. Let me hide in here until things simmer down." Ike replied.

Soren sighed, "We begin marching tomorrow morning. We're wasting our sleep time. Ike, let go of me and I'll go chase her away." And with that, Soren slapped Ike's arms so that he let go of Soren and Soren went out of the tent.

"Soren, wait!" Ike blurted out.

"No, Ike! Soren knows what he's doing, you dolt-head!" Gareth held Ike back.

Outside the tent, Aimee called out, "Iiiike! Ikey-poo! Where aaaaare yooooooou?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Aimee?" Soren said.

"Oh. Soren. Ew. I mean, um...hi. Why are you out so late?"

"Do you have some business with Ike?"

"Well, yes I do. I found a special something that I'd like to give to him. Do you know where he is?"

"Ike is...in a war meeting. If you have something for him, I can hold on to it for you."

"Hmm... What should I do? You see, I have this new staff... The staff is VERY valuable. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable simply handing it over to someone who doesn't...understand that."

"That's a Hammerne, is it not? A rare staff that can take any weapon or tool, no matter how battered and worn, and repair it completely."

"Why...that's right. You're quite knowledgeable, aren't you?"

"If I may continue, I believe that there is only one of these in all the world. It truly is priceless. And you want to give this to Ike?"

"Well, I do want to be helpful."

"...If you truly wish to capture Ike's attention, bringing him staves and whatnot will avail you nothing."

"What? Really? Oh, dear... I was so hoping he would like it."

"Food, however, would be much more effective than a staff. He's particularly fond of spicy meat dishes. And you may also want to give him chickenfeed for his pet rubber chicken named Frederick."

"Is that so? Cooking is not something that I'm skilled at, but... Oh, I've got it! I know the perfect dish! Ah, good! He will be very pleased!"

"Um...what about the staff?"

"Hee hee! You can keep it as payment for the cooking tip! Take good care of it!"

Then Ike and Gareth came as Aimee walked in the other direction. "So how did it go?" asked Gareth and Ike at the same time. They both shot each other an evil glare.

"...Well, she's unexpectedly generous. I received something quite nice from your admirer, Ikey-poo! Thank you so much!"

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying that SHE LIKES _YOU_,NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike screamed in amazement, and then he freaked out and started tap-dancing. Lenora came out of a nearby tent and chucked a pillow at Ike.

"Dammit, Ike! We're trying to sleep here, you damn bastard! What have you three been up to?"

"Uh…" Ike stopped tap-dancing and tried to concentrate.

Unfortunately, Ike's yelling alerted Aimee. "IKEY-POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aimee came charging at Ike.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed bloody murder and once again started tap-dancing.

"DAMMIT, IKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mia yelled and came out of her tent, and soon Ulki, Janaff, Boyd, Titania, Sharky, Tanith, Lethe, and a bunch of other people came out, too. Ike was jumped and locked in the tent/cage with Nasir. Marcia and Aimee then got into a fight but they were stopped by Gatrie and Muston.

The next day, Ike finally didn't scream of fear, but he screamed of rage, "SHIT-DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK IS NASIR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S GONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Mist yelled.

"You crapped-up idiot!" Ranulf slapped his forehead.

"DAMMIT!!!!!!! I'M SO ANGRY THAT LET'S JUST CHARGE AT THE ENEMY SO THAT WE CAN ALL LET OUT OUR EMOTIONS ON THOSE DAMN SHITTY DAEINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screeched and so the Crimean army charged across the bridge.

"Okay, then! Let's go Mia, Soren, Stefan, and Gareth!" exclaimed Lenora after they had cleared out a bunch of soldiers. Then the sound of crumbling rock ensued and Mia was missing! "Mia!" Lenora cried.

"Where is she?!" Gareth was bewildered.

"How did that hole appear in the ground?!" Lenora yelled.

"I'm in the hole, you jackasses! It's a pitfall and there are likely a lot of them!" Mia called up at them.

"Oi! That's _my _line, you bitch!" Soren shouted at her. Everyone who heard that stared at Soren.

"Whoa… Calm down, tactician!" Ike exclaimed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A bunch of Daein soldiers were screaming from the other side of the bridge.

"PLEASE STOP DISCO DANCING, GENERAL PETRINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

When Ike heard that, he screamed as well, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEAR ASHERA, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THAT SCARY DISCO-DANCING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE NOT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, FREDERICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike then took out Frederick from a bag that was tied onto his belt.

"AH!!!!!" a Daein soldier screamed, "IT'S A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and soon the Daein soldiers all cleared out except for General Petrine.

"Dog's breath!" Petrine shouted, "My lance is going to fillet all the cowards who DARE run from the enemy!"

"What the fuck?! Why isn't she scared of Frederick?!" Ike's hands then began to tremble.

"Ike, there's nothing we can do about it, we've got to defeat her." said Soren.

"…Fine, then." Ike replied and he, Titania, Soren, Lenora, and Stefan went to go confront Petrine.

First, Jill, Marcia, and Ilyana were in a fight and Crimea's new ally Haar was caught up in it. "Crap-dammit! Why are there two lizard-lovers in this army, now?! Why?!?!" Marcia slapped herself with both of her hands.

Okay, back to Petrine. "Petrine! You scary disco-dancing bitch! Time for you to meet Ashera!"

"Psssh! As if I want to meet her! Die, you Crimean scum!"

"I say we have a dance competition!" Ike insisted.

"Hmm…fine. Bring it on then, wimp!" Petrine replied. She then started disco-dancing.

"AH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed loudly and then he started to tap-dance and the more the looked at General Petrine, the more freaked-out he got and so then his tap-dancing got faster and faster and freakier and freakier and then Petrine lost it and had a deadly seizure. Ike stopped and stared at Petrine's body. "Oh…my…GOSH OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY TAP-DANCING K-K-KILLED THE DISCO-DANCING SCARY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh, Ike you can shut-up, now. Ulki's getting pissed." Janaff nudged him.

"Okay!" Ike replied. Then, a woman named Lucia and a troop of Crimean soldiers leapt out of the forest.

"ELINCIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"I'm right here!" Stupid Princess Elincia raised her hand.

"Ohmygosh, that's gotta be my rival! It's not Rhys, but it's that woman!" Mia whispered to Lenora.

Lucia cried, "Princess Elincia! Welcome home! It's so good to see you safe!"

Elincia struggled out of the crowd of the mercenaries. "Lucia? Lucia! Is it really you? You're alive…?"

"I am no spirit." Lucia poked Elincia. "See? Flesh and bone, through and through."

"Ah, Lucia!" Elincia hugged Lucia. "You have no idea how I've longed to see you."

"And I you, Princess Elincia. When my brother Geoffrey told me you had been lost, my world went dark. When I learned you were still alive... I was...so...relieved."

"Then Geoffrey is safe as well? Happy day!" Elincia sounded stupid just then, "Are there others? How many Crimean retainers have survived?"

"Well, there's Count Bastian. That silver-tongued rascal is as loquacious as ever. Also, General Tagio, Marquis Katol's orphan, Silok, and Marquis Mitnala are all with us. The soldiers we have contacted so far do not even number one hundred. But if they know you've returned, retainers hiding throughout the land will surely come pouring in." Lucia replied.

"Yet, my existence... It is not known to the general populace..."

"There's no need to worry about that! Tales of your exploits in Daein have reached every corner of Crimea. In every village, in every town, the people are talking. 'Our fair king had a hidden child'. they say. 'The secret princess of Crimea is fighting to save us all!' In additon, Daein soldiers have been frantically searching for a mysterious and elusive 'Princess Crimea'. All they've succeeded in doing is convincing the people that you truly are their princess." Meanwhile, Ike was having a seizure and was being tended to by Mist and Rhys. Lucia continued, "All of Crimea has been anxiously awaiting your return."

"Oh, Lucia, do you speak truly? They have...acknowledged my existence? ...I never...expected this day..."

"Well, enough of all the dramatics and explanations! I want to go set up camp again all ready!" Ike yelled. Mist and Elincia stuck their tongues out at Ike.

Later that night, Lenora, Soren, Stefan, and Gareth were in Soren's tent. "You guys, I want to tell Ike about my heritage." said Soren.

"Why?" Gareth asked.

"Because if it weren't for him, I'd never be alive. Even if I had survived, I would never have met any of you three. I am grateful for have meeting Ike, and I want him to know what I am."

"Then why don't you go tell him now? I don't believe he's in any meetings or anything, right now…" said Lenora.

"I want to tell him, but I'm…nervous. What if he doesn't except me?"

"Soren, Ike is a very non-discriminating person. He probably won't care." said Stefan.

"… I don't know. I just don't know."

"Just go, Soren. Ike's a very accepting Beorc. After all, he does take in Daein soldiers." said Lenora.

"Good point. Soren, I don't think we have to worry about a thing. Just go tell him." Gareth suggested.

"Oh, all right…" Soren uneasily opened the tent flap.

"You know Soren, you don't have to do this." Said Stefan.

"Yes I do, because I want to see if Ike will think of me the same if he knew that I had cursed blood."

"Do you need us to come with you?" asked Lenora.

"No, I'm going to do this alone." Soren replied as he then went to go find Ike. He found him sitting around a campfire with Stupid Princess Elincia, Lucia, Rhys, Kieran, Boyd, Titania, Mist, Marcia, and Ranulf. Ike was laughing as he was telling a story, "-and-ha-ha-and then he tied a dynamite to one of his arrows, nocked it and then he blew a hole through the ceiling!"

"HAW-HAW-HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone burst into laughter.

"So how did Mist react?" asked Boyd.

"She screamed her fat face off and we had to get a regeneration potion!"

"HAW-HAW-HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's not true, you son of a bitch!" Mist got angry, "This is how I reacted: I _laughed _my fat face off, _not_ literally, and so then a stuffed animal that my dad got for me from Braedon's shop leaped up and kissed Shinon on the cheek and then because he was so drunk, he actually started cuddling it and trying to kiss it too!"

"HAW-HAW-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ike." Soren nudged Ike.

"Huh?" Ike put his face right up close to Soren's.

"Augh! Why do you always get that close to people?!" Soren pushed Ike's head backwards.

"Yikes!" Ike toppled and landed on Marcia.

"Oomph! Get off of me!" Marcia yelled. But then she realized it was Ike. "Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, Ike! Here, let me help you get up!" Marcia crawled out from under Ike and helped him up.

"Wow, thank you, Marcia!"

"You're welcome, handsome." Marcia spoke in a dreamy voice and then she kissed Ike. Ike's face turned redder than blood red. After Marcia stopped, Ike still stood there, and then he started tap-dancing and foaming at the mouth.

He started screaming, "AH!!! AH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike looked at Marcia. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH FREDERICK HELP ME, PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"???" Frederick jumped out of Ike's bag and spoke in the strangest language ever and then Frederick picked up a can of prunes and threw it at Lethe, who happened to be nearby.

"Oh, fuck this!!!" Lethe yelled and she threw the can of prunes at Janaff.

"Wow, I'm all better, now!" Ike exclaimed. Soren got impatient and went up to Ike and whispered that he was a Branded into his ear. Ike yelled, "YOU'RE A-" before he could finish his sentence, Soren grabbed a bottle of wine out of Boyd's hand and knocked Ike out with it.

"Whoa, dude!" Boyd exclaimed.

"WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU DO THAT FOR, YOU SHITTY LITTLE BRATTY LITTLE FAGGOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Marcia screeched and charged at Soren.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Lenora came to Soren's rescue and yelled, "PAPERCLIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Marcia gasped, "P-p-paperclip?"

"That's right, bitch! Now I know what a paperclip is!" Lenora replied triumphantly.

"Hmph, really now? So what is a paperclip?"

"I have found out that a paperclip is a fearsome creature that _all _Begnions are afraid of! The creature looks like a miniature chocobo, a chicken-like creature from a different type of world, and it scares the shit out of them! I have now found your weakness, you crap-damn prep! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! …MUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ike looked at Lenora in awe, "Wow…so suppose that I threatened a Begnion soldier with Frederick… Begnions are afraid of rubber chickens as well, aren't they? Thank you very much for this vital information, Lenora!"

"Actually Ike, they're only afraid of chocobos." said Lucia.

"Ooh…"

Meanwhile, Marcia, Kieran, and Boyd looked prone to laughter. "What the hell are you three boneheads laughing about?" Lenora asked them.

"Bwah-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all laughed.

"You moron!" giggled Marcia, "That isn't what a paperclip is at all!!! My goddess, you're so dumb!!!!!"

"BOYD!!!" Lenora yelled furiously.

"Don't blame me, blame Kieran for telling me what a paperclip was! We only just figured out what it really means!"

"If you want to blame someone for telling me, blame Shinon!" Kieran put his hands up to signal non-aggression.

"SHINON!!!!!" Lenora screamed.

"What is it, twerp?" asked Shinon who somehow appeared behind her.

"Why did you lie about what a paperclip was?! You made us all think that a paperclip was a chocobo-like creature!"

"Don't blame me, blame Gatrie. I'm out of here."

"And Lenora, before you blame me, blame Ilyana." said Gatrie from inside his tent, which was right next to where the campfire was.

"ILYANA WE ALL SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS ALL YOUR CRAP-DAMN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lenora screeched like a monster.

"Inconceivable!" Janaff was hovering over the following chaos of more yelling and arguing and Janaff was just admiring the can of prunes that Lethe had thrown at him earlier. "Wow…wow…wow… So ingenious! So pruneful! So amazing, but not nearly as amazing as Sharky! Ha-hah! Such a hilarious name!" a frying pot flew past him, "Whoa! What the heck is going on down there? What the…? Why do humans pick the stupidest times to fight? Oh Ashera… I think I'm going to go back to my tent and admire this can of prunes…or maybe have a philosophical conversation with Sharky or Ulki or Reyson …" and so then, Janaff went back to the tent that he shared with Ulki.


	25. Chapter 24 Battle Trauma

Chapter Twenty-four. Battle Trauma

Lenora was running as fast as she could through the-eh! No. This is what is going on while she is yet again, having another crazy dream. "Lenora, wake up!" Mia was shaking Lenora.

"She's still asleep?" asked Lethe as she stopped rolling up one of her shirts. The army was to leave in an hour.

"This always happens whenever we get to a new country for some strange reason! When it takes over five minutes to wake her up, that just tells you that she's in some random dream and it'll take a long time to get her to freaking wake up! Back in Gallia it was a sunflower garden! When we were in Begnion, it was rubber chickens! In Daein it was Soren with a jam-vomit tome! And now, Ashera knows what the crap she's dreaming about, now!"

"Talking snow cones…" Lenora mumbled.

"Well, there's your answer." Lethe remarked.

"Goodness gracious, me…" Mia slapped her forehead and shook her head.

"SNOW CONES ARE SO TASTY!!!" Lenora suddenly shrieked in her sleep and jumped up and while still asleep, licked Lethe's face.

"Aaugh!" yelped Lethe as she swatted at Lenora. "What the hell?"

"Get used to it. She'll always do this." Mia sighed.

As the Crimean Liberation Army was making its way to Melior, Lucia was explaining things to Ike and Stupid Princess Elincia: "Once we cross the hills, we'll be in Delbray territory. Count Bastian went ahead of us, so they should know of your return by now. Speaking of which...here he comes now! I suppose he couldn't wait any longer and came riding to meet you. How sweet."

A blonde-haired sage dude came running up to them, "Princess Elincia! Lady Lucia!

"Bastian! There's no need for you to rush so! I'm coming in your direction anyway-" Elincia was interrupted by Bastian,

"We've been attacked! Castle Delbray is surrounded by enemy troops!"

"No!" Elincia cried.

"It can't be..." said Lucia.

Bastian continued to talk, "Geoffrey's acting as a decoy. You must continue on this road to the southwest."

"So the enemy's found us, eh? Nothing to do about it but change course. I'll lead you to another hiding place." Lucia immediately started to make plans.

Elincia stammered, "Wh-what are you saying, Lucia? We must help Geoffrey! Bastian?"

"Luck was not with us, Princess. We have no choice. We'll have to abandon our companions-"

"I say not!" Ike interrupted.

"What did you say?" Lucia looked taken aback.

"We're going to the castle. If it's surrounded by Daein troops, we can just cut our way through and join the other knights!" Ike replied.

"Weren't you listening? I said we had no choice but to leave them behind! They were lost to us the moment the enemy discovered and surrounded them!"

"Don't worry about that! Frederick will help us win the battle! We'll all be just fine!" Ike said so youthful-sounding.

"You are the general of Crimea's army, are you not? ...Even if only for the moment? I would hope that you would act more in accordance with your responsibilities."

Ike replied smartly, "Listen, lady, I didn't choose or ask to be general. I was put here by matters of time and circumstance. But, as a mercenary, I have a contract with Princess Elincia that's still in effect. That means she's my employer. And right now, my employer says she wants to go and save the people stuck in that castle. Is that correct, Elincia?

"Yes. I don't want... I don't want anyone else to be sacrificed."

"So...we're going to help them! If you're so worried about the princess, I'll leave her here with you, and you can keep her safe!"

"My lord Ike..." Stupid Princess Elincia just said.

"Right then, my minions! Let's go help the soldiers at Delbray Castle! Everybody, let's destroy these Daein shit-heads!" Ike cheered as he got out Frederick. "Muah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!!!!!!!" Ike laughed maniacally as he scared the shit out of the Daein soldiers who saw Frederick. "And check this out!" Ike then started tap-dancing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OH, THE CRAP-DAMNED DEADLINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Everyone screamed that and everyone looked at the Daein soldier who blurted that out.

"Oopsie…just so you all know, I'm related to someone who's name is Oliver of Tanas."

"HOLY SHIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed bloody murder in extreme shock and horror. He then became angry and charged at the creepy soldier and stabbed him dead. "Whew, bloody cleavers that was close!" Ike wiped his sword and grinned at everyone. Then the fight continued.

After a while; Ike, Lenora, Soren, Gareth, Mia, and Marcia were chased into a house that was across the bridge to the north.

Some woman who was living there started gasping and saying, "Oh, thank the goddess! The Crimean army has arrived. We who have suffered so much under Daein's rule will finally be free! We can put our faith in that, can't we? If there's anything we can do to help, we'll do it. Please, rescue our beloved Crimea. Oh please-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HER SHUT-UP, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed.

"Um… Excuse me?" the woman looked incredibly weirded out. Just then a javelin flew through a window and nearly hit Lenora.

"Whoa!" Lenora exclaimed.

"Block the windows!" Soren bellowed.

"Oh, yes!" the woman then started handing things to everyone, like wooden boards, shoes, pans, plates, and cleavers. After a few minutes, the house was secured and everyone was in the sitting room while the woman was making tea for everyone.

"Wow, this is awesome! We just get to chill out and those Daein soldiers are still trying to get in! What morons!" said Lenora.

"Yeah, great thing I let Stefan borrow Frederick, otherwise I'd never agree to abandoning the battlefield!"

"You know, our two teams haven't been in a battle for a while now, Boat Monkey! And Ilyana and I have been planning things. You'd better be careful, Boat Monkey!" said Marcia.

"Oh give it rest will you, Pink Poppet?" Lenora retorted.

"Ike!" Mist's voice could be heard off in the distance.

"Lenora! Soren! Gareth!" Stefan and Titania were yelling.

"Iiiike!!!" Ranulf, Titania, Lucia, and Mist were calling.

"I guess we'd better go outside…" said Soren.

"Yeah, I guess we all should." replied Lenora.

"Okay!" Ike stupidly replied.

"What the-your tea's ready! Hey!" the woman called after the Crimean Liberators who were hastily leaving the house. Lenora eyed a savior scroll and swiped it.

"There you are!" said Titania as the group came out.

"Here's 'Frederick'." said Stefan as he gave Frederick back to Ike.

"We managed to fight off the Daein soldiers," Lucia was saying, "and it looks like you were right, after all."

"Ha! HAH!!! I told you so!" Ike laughed and pointed to Lucia, who looked quite weirded-out and a bit taken aback again.

"You are a strange person." she said.

"You're damn right!" Ike replied. Titania slapped her forehead. Lenora shook her head. Soren rolled his eyes. Boyd giggled. Mist looked at Ike admiringly. Shinon scowled. Bastian looked slightly confused and nearly laughed lightly. Stefan smiled. Mia laughed a bit. Elincia giggled.

"Elincia, when did you get here?!" Ike and Lucia said at the same time. They both gave each other an evil glare.

"Just now! Tee-hee-hee!" she giggled again. Ike looked to the south and his heart turned over.

_I see the Black Knight… I've got to deal with him on my own. No screaming. I've got to face him alone. I've got Frederick, my tap-dancing skills, and my regal sword. Let's get this fight started. _Ike looked calm on the outside, and he said, "I'm going to take a stroll." and so then he walked without listening to anyone's questions. Inside of him, his thoughts raged with fright, _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEAR ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, THE FRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, THE TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _But Ike solemnly walked to meet the Black Knight.

"Why appear now?" Ike asked the Black Knight when he approached him, "Do you mean to tell me you purposely waited until the battle was over?

"Hmph. I know how your mind works. I assumed you would attack the moment you saw me. But perhaps you've learned to judge the importance of time and place."

"To a mercenary, nothing's more important than the contract between him and his employer."

"Shall we call off our contest then? When you die here, you'll be in breach of contact after all."

"That's not a problem. All I have to do is win... Ready yourself!"

"Hmph."

"Right then, bring it on, bitch!" and so Ike then started tap-dancing. "I now know how to dance-fight, golem king! Can you top that?" The Black Knight replied by swinging his sword at Ike. "Hah! You're so slow!" Ike taunted. He then slashed and stabbed at the Black Knight.

"You're not as overly clumsy as I had feared. It is regrettable that your weapon is so poorly made." the Black Knight remarked.

"Why do my attacks have no effect?!"

"My armor is blessed by the goddess. Only weapons that are also blessed can so much as scratch it."

"Grrr... So common weaponry is useless? Is that it? How about this?" then Ike got out Frederick.

"…"

"What the fuck?! Why is it that you and Petrine aren't scared of Frederick?! Dear Ashera!"

"You should not worry about such trivialities. You possess the sacred blade Ragnell, do you not?" Ike then began tap-dancing. But the Black Knight continued talking, "Ragnell is the counterpart to my blade, Alondite. Tell me you were not idiot enough to leave it in that place." Ike began to curse like crazy. "You took it with you, did you not? Along with your father's corpse?"

"That...that sword? The one you threw to my father like an act of charity? The one he refused? That's Ragnell?" Ike asked, amazed.

"I claim victory today. When next we meet, bring Ragnell. Without the proper weapon, I grow bored."

"…Shit." Ike cursed as the Black Knight teleported. Ike's thoughts: _SHIT-DAMMITDAMNSHITOHMYGOSHWHYTHEFUCKDIDN'THEGETSCAREDSHITTYINEEDTOSTARTUPANACCOUNTONYOUTUBEANDPUTAVIDEOOFTHEBLACKKNIGHTDOINGTHEROBOTDANCEANDTHENACTINGLIKEACLASSCLOWNANDSHARKYLITTERALLYNEEDSTOGETALIFEIMEANSERIOUSLYDAMNIDIOTWHO'SSOOBSESSEDWITHCAJUNSEAFOODANDISAWAPURPLESIDEWALKTHATWASGREENANDITHADWHEELSONITANDISERIOUSLYNEEDTOSHUTTHEFUCKUPANDJUSTSTOPCURSINGTHESHITOUTOF…IDON'TKNOWANDFUCKED-UPMOTHERFUCKINGDAMNSHITTYFAGGOTYSHIT-HEADEDDIPSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Well, hopefully you all liked this chapter. I think it was slightly boring because I couldn't really think of much to put in this chapter but on the next chapter I'll think harder. **


	26. Chapter TwentyFive Chaotic Lands

Chapter Twenty-five

Chapter Twenty-five. Chaotic Lands…err…Mountains

At the castle of Phoenicis, Leanne was in her room, burning a CD with a lighter. "Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" she giggled youthfully as she fooled around with the things that Janaff had given her back in Serenes Forest.

Tibarn came knocking on the door and called, "Leanne! I'm coming in."

"??" Leanne said. Tibarn then entered the door.

"What the hell are you doing…?" Tibarn raised his eyebrow. "If you do that, the CD will explode, as the interesting Braedon told me back in Serenes."

"What?! Janaff, that moron! How dare he make you think it'll become a bunch of fairy dust! Grrrrrrr…" Tibarn was outraged. Then the CD exploded.

"Ah!" Leanne exclaimed in surprise.

"Leanne!" Tibarn flew over to her, after all her room was pretty huge, "Are you all right?!"

"Uh-huh." Leanne smiled sweetly and nodded.

"Ah, thank goodness. Don't worry Leanne, I'll give Janaff a good kick for this. May I have that lighter?"

"??" Leanne shook her head.

"…Well, you have great intuition. I'll entrust the danged thing to you, then."

Then a retainer named Lotz came into the room and said, "You can understand what the heron princess is saying, can't you, Your Majesty?"

"Whoah!" Tibarn whirled around and did a little karate fighting pose thing. But then he realized it was just Lotz. "Ah, yes. Well, some of it, at least. Oh, you weren't around when Reyson first got here, were you, Lotz? When he arrived, he was just like this. You'd never know it by how fluently he speaks our modern tongue, would you?"

"Now that you mention it, he does use some funny words when he gets angry. But, the letter that just arrived is written in standard script, isn't it?"

"Over these twenty years, he's gained total mastery of... You...you read the letter, didn't you?!"

"N-no, I just caught a glimpse of it in your hand. That's all. I'm sorry! Er... Your Majesty..."

"You little scamp... You little son of a-"

"??" Leanne interrupted.

"Hm? Oh, yes, that's right. It's a letter from Reyson. It appears the Crimean army has passed safely through Daein and is on its way to the homeland."

"Yes, Reyson is fine, but... I wonder what happened. He doesn't give details, but he asks Phoenicis to send reinforcements."

Lotz then said, "If Prince Reyson is asking for help, things must be fairly serious."

"I'd like nothing better than to take wing immediately, but I can't leave Lord Lorazieh and Leanne here alone..."

"No, that won't work." Tibarn shook his head.

"??" Leanne looked at Tibarn with puppy-eyes, trying to look cute and make him change his mind.

"Don't try that look on me. There's no way I'm taking you with me."

"Yeah, that's crazy talk!"

" Hmm…I suppose it's time to put my plan into action." Tibarn replied.

"What is it?" asked Lotz.

After Tibarn explained the plan, he then said, "All right, I'm off to Gallia to get things settled. Lotz, I want you to watch over Leanne and help her pack.

"Yes, sir!"

As Tibarn left, Leanne said something to Lotz: "??"

"Um, I... I don't have any idea what you're trying to say. Maybe I should talk louder..."

"??" Leanne pointed to a suitcase.

"Um, DO YOU WANT ME... TO PUT THIS... IN THAT BAG??"

"??" Leanne covered her ears, put she nodded.

"Got it! In it goes! I'm getting the hang of this. I'M PUTTING IT IN THE BAG!"

"??" Leanne suddenly screamed.

"What? Is something wrong?"

"??" Leanne pointed behind Lotz.

"What are you...? Over there? Behind me? WHAT? SOMEONE IS BEHIND ME??" Then the Black Knight stabbed Lotz. "Gwaaaah!"

Leanne was mortified and screamed bloody murder, "??ASHERA!!"

The Black Knight coldly said to Leanne, "If you want your father to be killed, then by all means keep screaming." Leanne uttered a small curse word in the galdr language.

Meanwhile in the Crimean Liberation Army camp, "Excuse me, do you have a moment?" Ike asked Bastian.

Bastian looked shocked and jumped in a startled way. "Forsooth! What ho! My eyes behold Sir Ike! Pray tell, what would you ask of me, good sir?"

Ike looked wierded out and replied, "Um...well... I just wanted to chat. I try to speak with all the members of the army when I have a minute.

"I see! A fine idea that is, good sir. Some generals hope their soldiers all to be aloof, and ready always for the fight. If all goes well, sweet happiness abounds. But if the tides do turn, then anger grows. One wonders if he can lead men at all... I, too, am often plagued by such grim thoughts."

"Uh...yeah. Listen, I-"

"Yet you walk out among your men-at-arms; spin tales, tell jokes, and lead a willing ear. Huzzah, dear sir! Huzzah until the end!"

"Hah! You're damn right I deserve respect!" Ike replied.

Bastian then said, "In truth, I did much fear your name at first. I swore to find the mettle of the man, and studied you with cautious, steady eye. I thought to find yourself a brutish rogue. A villain crafty in his fiendish plans! With status and great wealth his only goals. Had such been your own ethic and deceit, I would have taken measures sure and swift to see-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!!" Ike screamed very loudly and then passed out.

Bastian looked at him confusedly and said as if Ike were still awake, "Commander, you are tired and unaware of how your body doth cry out for rest…"

After a half an hour, Lenora and Mia bumped into a very huge man. "Whoa! An armourless golem!" Lenora exclaimed in wonder.

The 'golem' replied, "I am no golem! I am Largo, the world-class berserker! And what are you two ladies doing with swords? Don't you at least want to be mages in order to participate in the war? Something less barbaric?" **(If you don't understand, read the Largo and Mia support) **

"Uh, excuse me?" Lenora put her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, what's the big idea?!" Mia demanded.

"I'm just saying that people should be…more calm…?"

"Oh, you're dead!" Lenora and Mia both said at the same time and they drew their swords.

"Ah! No! This is a mis-understanding!"

"RAAAAAR!!" Mia roared.

"YAAAAAR!!" Lenora thundered.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Largo screamed as he reluctantly got out his axe and the two homicidal young women ganged up on him and took turns sparring with him and beating the shitty crap out of the sexist faggot.

After a while, the army headed out to go get past a bunch of mountains. "Shit, man…" said Ike. "They want to roll boulders on us!"

"Oh, dear Ashera…" Mia lamented.

"Pah, don't worry!" Lenora said confidently, "We're still cool!"

Meanwhile, Ilyana was having a hissy fit of hunger: "Soo…hungry!!"

"Ilyana? What's wrong?" asked Marcia.

"SO HUNGRY!! Like crap man, I'm so hungry!! I'm so hungry that I'm HOMOSEXUALLY HUNGRY!!"

"WHAT?!" Everyone yelled and looked at Ilyana, wierded out.

"Err…NO!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!! I MEANT TO SAY _HOMICIDALLY HUNGRY, NOT HOMOSEXUALLY HUNGRY_!!"

"_OOOOOOHHHHHHH_!" Everyone replied.

"So as I've been saying…" Ilyana said, "I'M HOMICIDALLY HUNGARIAN!!"

"You're Hungarian??" asked Marcia in awe.

"NO!! HUNGRY!! I'M HOMICIDALLY _HUNGRY AND I'M GOING TO EAT ALL OF THOSE CRAP-DAMN BOULDERS THAT ARE ROLLING RIGHT AT US!!__ AFTER ALL I'M IMMUNE TO DIRT, SO I'M ALSO IMMUNE TO BOULDERS AND SHIT!! …NOT LITERALLY SHIT!!_" Ilyana roared and yep, she ate through all of the boulders and the Daein soldiers were so freaked out that they fled…except for their general, Gromell.

"Muah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaw!! I'm going to resist!! You're rock-eating skills won't hurt me, bitch!" He cackled evilly as he flew down on his wyvern.

"Oh yeah?!" Ike yelled.

"What do you want?!" Gromell yelled back.

"How about tap-dancing?!" Ike then began to tap-dance.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Gromell screeched, had a seizure, and then yep you know what happened, Gromell died and then the Crimean army continued up the deserted abandoned crap-dang mountain.

But the joy didn't last long, for a bunch of Daein soldiers were at the top and one of them said, "Now we've got you! Eat rock! Heh...eat rock... I'm pretty clever..."

"Indeed you are!!" Ilyana hyperly made her way to go eat more boulders when Tibarn came and killed the Daein soldiers and Ilyana got to eat the boulders and crap…not literally crap.

"Need a hand?" Tibarn smoothly said.

"Not literally!" Ilyana stuck her tongue out at Tibarn.

Tibarn raised his eyebrow, "Um…okay…you don't think I was aware of that…?"

"Tibarn! You came!" Reyson flew up to him.

"Well met, Reyson. And well met to the rest of you as well, warriors of Crimea."

"How did you come to be here?" Ike demanded.

"I thought I'd help you wipe out Daein."

"That's good news for us, but has something happened? Why did you suddenly decide to help?"

"I asked for his aid." said Reyson, "We must defeat King Daein. To that end, the more powerful we are, the better. Yes?"

"So that's the story, is it?"

"It's true that Reyson requested my aid. However, that's not the only reason that I'm here."

"Hm? What is it?" Reyson asked.

"In a moment. First, let us meet with the king of lions. He waits for us at the foot of the mountain."

"Understood. Come on, everyone! Let's get off this peak and take a rest at the bottom!" Ike yelled.

Soren said, "Ike, you're a moron."

"Yeah, Ike!" said Lenora.

"What?! Why?!"

"Because we've been toiling to get to the top of this mountain, you freaking dolt-head!" Lenora chucked a seashell at Ike.

"Whoa! This must be from when Tellius was underwater!" Ike admired the shell.

"Wow…wow…wow…" Janaff came to admire the shell as well.

"Janaff." said Tibarn.

"Hm? Oh! Oh, HELLO, GRANDADDY TIBARN!! HOW'S IT GOIN-OUCH!!" Janaff grasped his behind in pain, for Tibarn had kicked him there. "What was that for, Your Majesty?!"

"That was for tricking Leanne into making a CD explode!" Tibarn folded his arms.

"Eh-heh-heh…" Janaff giggled.

"Janaff, you idiot…" Ulki rubbed his forehead.

And then in the tent at the top of the mountain, Stupid Princess Elincia greeted King Caineghis, "King Caineghis! It's an honor to see you again."

"First, let me offer you my congratulations. You've made quite the triumphant return, Princess Elincia." the king replied.

"Thank you. And allow me to express my gratitude for having the kingdom of Gallia fighting at our side. Your presence fills me with strength."

"During this short interim, you've managed to turn the tide of the war. To be honest, I'm quite surprised."

"I didn't... I didn't come this far on my own. My lord Ike and his brave companions were with me. It was only with the support of many that I was able to return home."

"Yes, my reports cover most of that. Everything that happened in Begnion, and in Daein as well."

"As to that... About Nasi-"

Then King Tibarn entered the room, "King Gallia! Princess Crimea! I apologize for interrupting the festivities, but there's something I must discuss with you. Would you gather over there?"

"This group contains the people who were at the heart of that last battle, correct?" Caineghis asked.

"Yes, it is." replied Stupid Princess Elincia.

"What about those four children? Surely they weren't involved." Tibarn pointed at Soren, Mist, Lenora, and Gareth.

"What'd you say, old man?!" Lenora and Gareth yelled at the same time.

"Excuse me?" Tibarn rasped.

"...Children? Did you just call me a stupid brat?" Soren said, taken aback.

"Um..." Mist the idiot simply replied.

Ike explained, "This is Soren. He's my tactician. And this is my sister, Mist. Lenora and Gareth here are exceptional fighters. Before we begin this war council, there's something I need to share with all of you... It's a story that involves my parents as well. I've kept most of it from my sister, but I felt this would be a good chance for her to hear it, so I asked her to join us."

Tibarn replied, "Understood. Go on."

"It all begins when we meet Princess Elincia and escorted her into the forests of Gallia..." and so Ike explained everything and nearly tap-danced and Mist looked on the urge of tap-dancing… "And that is everything I know."

"F-Father...he... Is that how... Mom? That's...not true, is it?" Mist stammered.

Titania looked at Mist sympathetically, "Mist... Do you want to leave?"

"Um... No... I'm all right. I'm all right... I'm just a little confused."

"That's the whole of it, eh?" said King Gallia.

"So this wasn't ever just a dispute between Crimea and Daein... There was something else at play the entire time." said Tibarn.

Princess Elincia pondered, "What could King Ashnard's ultimate goal possibly be? He has risked everything, even surrendering his own country..."

King Caineghis then said, "Twenty years ago, even before he became king, he tried to release the dark god from within the medallion. However, he was thwarted by the actions of Greil and Elena."

"What manner of being is this dark god? What would happen if it were freed from its prison?" asked Ike.

"I fear the world would once again be beset by natural calamity-much like it was 800 years ago. At that time, all the world, save Tellius, was drowned beneath the seas." replied the Gallian king.

"That is a true story? I thought it nothing more than a fable..." said Elincia.

"We have living proof: Goldoa's King Deghinsea. He and two other heroes fought alongside the goddess herself to defeat the dark one." said Caineghis.

"King Goldoa was one of the legendary heroes? But he's...still alive..."

Then Ike had a spazz attack, "ELINCIA, YOU IGNORANT MORON!!"

"Wh-what?"

"HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?! I KNOW YOU WEREN'T RAISED AT THE CASTLE, BUT YOU'RE A FREAKING PRINCESS FOR ASHERA'S SAKE!! YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL OF THIS BY NOW!!"

"…" Elincia felt embarrassed.

Tibarn then said, "…Anyway…the Black Dragon King is a living fossil, and as stubborn as anything alive. He's been trying to control the rest of us for years, and he always says the same thing. 'Do not fan the flames of strife.' 'As long as Lehran's medallion exists, you must never begin a war that engulfs the entire continent.'"

Soren then said, "'Never begin a war'? It's possible... Perhaps there is more than one way for the dark god to gain its freedom."

"Oh ho! Aren't you the clever one? That's just what the Black Dragon King says. Yet, the truth of that is unknown. There's a war going on right now, but the dark god's nowhere in sight, is it?"

"…Could it be...? I think I may finally know Ashnard's intentions." said Soren.

Ike then said, "Oi Tibarn."

"Yes…?"

"Please refrain from saying 'Oh ho!' because a very scary man said that all the time and it gives me trauma."

"Are you talking about that Duke Tanas?" asked Reyson.

"Yes." Ike squeaked scaredly.

Soren got annoyed and began to explain, "King Goldoa said that a conflict which engulfs the entire continent would free the dark god from the medallion. Let us assume that the war would have such an effect on the medallion no matter where it was...or who possessed it. And let's also assume that the king of Daein thinks this as well. I can hear him now... 'Where is the tinder for the blaze I need?' The answer to this question proved to be an easy one. Yet he had to find a way to test his theory... So, he-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA MAKE HIM SHUT-UP, PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE!!" Ike screamed very loudly.

Soren folded his arms. "Are you done?" he asked Ike.

"Yes." Ike squeaked scaredly again.

Soren continued, "So anyway, he attacked neighboring Crimea. It had to be Crimea. Begnion was too big, too powerful. Daein would have lost. Crimea, however, is a country known more for its scholarship than its military strength. Daein probably felt that a surprise invasion would let them win while taking minimal casualties themselves. And they were right. Crimea was easy prey." Soren paused as everyone took in the information. then he continued, "King Ramon was also friendly toward laguz... I imagine that this, too, influenced Daein's decision. If things went well, the conflict would be enough to engulf Crimea's ally, Gallia, and the fires would spread. First Crimea, then-"

"OH DEAR ASHERA-OW!!" Ike screamed as Soren hit him on the head with his tome.

"As I was saying," Soren glared at Ike, "After Crimea, Gallia... And eventually Begnion as well. Daein's power would increase, and strife and discord would spread across the land, eventually reaching the lost medallion."

"So you believe King Daein's goal is to awaken the dark god after all?" Ike stupidly asked.

"Haven't you been listening to anything that I just said?!"

Tibarn then declared, "Well, it looks like our only choice is to end Daein's menace once and for all."

Caineghis replied, "Mmm... Agreed. That's the only plan that makes any sense."

"If only we had the medallion with us..." Reyson lamented.

"What is it, Reyson? Is there a way to avoid all of this?" asked Titania.

"We, that is, the descendants of Lehran, we have a gift... Through the power of the slumber galdr, we have the ability to suppress the chaotic energies of the dark god in the medallion. So even if a massive battle occurred, if it were in my possession, I might be able to..."

Mist then broke into tears, "I'm so sorry! It's because of my carelessness that the medallion was lost in the first place!"

"MIST!!" Ike thundered, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT IT WASN'T YOUR CRAP-DAMN FAULT?!"

Ranulf then said, "He's right. And besides, the dark god could be released no matter where the medallion is. So it's nothing to worry about."

"Thank you, Ranulf." Mist replied snobbishly as she stuck her tongue out at Ike.

"All right... It's about time for you to hear what I have to say. Reyson!"

"Yes, Tibarn?"

"I'm sorry."

"Huh? F-for what?"

"Leanne's been kidnapped. It may have been by Daein's hand."

"That...can't be..."

"Why the crap would Leanne be taken? The release galdr can only be sung by the girl Altina. Right?" Ike asked.

"But Ashnard doesn't know that." Reyson clench both of his fists.

"Oh no..." Ike said grimly.

"What a mess... Nothing can ever be clear and simple, can it?" Ranulf sighed.

Everyone was sad and glum when suddenly the creepy merchant woman Aimee burst into the tent, "IIIIIIIIIIIKEY-POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"


	27. Clash of the Shoes VS Cell Phones

Chapter Twenty-six

Chapter Twenty-six. Clash of the Cell Phones V.S. Shoes

"Muah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaw!! Ilyana saved the day! Woot! Ilyana saved the day!" Ilyana and Marcia were freaking chanting and crappy shit. Yes, this time they were being literal. Nah, no they weren't.

"What the fuck?" Lenora said when she noticed that Elincia was wearing armour and riding a pegasus as the Crimean Liberation Army was marching toward the next battle field. "Since when did that stupid shy princess learn how to fucking fight?"

"I don't know, that is freaking weird." said Mia.

Just then, Ilyana was going all hyper: "LIKE OH MY GODDESS SHOES!! LET'S GET SOME SHOES, MARCIA!!"

"SURE!!" Marcia replied.

"I declare a shoes V.S. cell phones war!" Lenora declared.

"OH, IT'S ON, BETCH!!" Ilyana and Marcia both yelled at the same time.

"Lenora! What the hell?!" Mia lightly back-handed Lenora on the shoulder.

"What? This fight might actually be fun. I've got cell phones for everyone on our team!" Lenora said in response.

And so the fight went like this: Ilyana was trying to handcuff Lenora with shoelaces and Lenora was all like, "AH!! LET GO OF ME, BITCH!!" she then said into the phone, "Mia, is your refrigerator running-"

"Lenora, shut-up so that you can be handcuffed!" Ilyana shouted.

"-because I JUST SAW IT RUNNING OVER THERE AND YOU'D BETTER GO CATCH IT REAL QUICK!!" Lenora then called Soren, "SOREN!! I like, so totally lost my cell phone!" Lenora then called Gareth, "GARETH!! This is the pizza place and we'd like to say that you are officially a hamburger-eater and we never want you to order from our pizza place again! Otherwise we'll call our gypsy-dancing demon to come and shank you! LETHE!! There's a can of prunes coming your way at ten o'clock!! JANAFF!! Stop freaking throwing shit at Lethe, you fucking faggot!!"

"WHAT?!" Everyone whom Lenora called all screamed at the same time. They all somehow shot each other an evil glare. Meanwhile, Ike was all kicking ass with his tap-dancing and Elincia freaking sucked at fighting so she was mainly just healing the wounded.

Kieran went up to her and said, "Do you want to sign this petition to join the club that cheers for shoes??"

"Uh…" Elincia replied.

"C'mon. You get free shoes…and cookies." Kieran pressed.

"Uh…"

"DON'T DO IT, ELINCIA!!" yelled Sharky, who came floating over to Stupid Princess Elincia.

"Uh…?" Elincia stupidly replied.

Sharky then yelled, "If you join the club that roots for cell phones, we both can call a restaurant and order heaping amounts of Cajun seafood! Oh, the glory!"

"Uh…I've never even heard of Cajun seafood, but…I don't want to be caught up in any conflicts, so…I join neither club! As a royal, I need to be diplomatic!" Elincia replied, trying to sound smart and heck, that actually did sound smart.

"Aw…that's a pity…" Kieran sadly said before moving on towards Mist and Rolf, who were trying to concoct a new type of beer.

Meanwhile, Shinon perked his nose up. "You smell that, Gatrie?"

"Yup, I smell beer!" Gatrie replied.

"Ooh! I want beer too!" yelped a hyper Boyd.

"Let's go follow the beer smell, then!" declared Gatrie.

"Oh come on, you three, please don't." Oscar pleaded.

"We need beer!" Shinon rasped, and with that, he, Gatrie, and Boyd charged in the direction of the beer scent and crashed through a lot of Daein soldiers on the way.

Lenora was handcuffed to a tree by Ilyana and was screeching very loudly, "SHIT-DAMMIT!! ILYANA I'M GOING TO FREAKING TAP-DANCE IN FRONT OF YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING THAT I ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE!! CRAP-DAMMIT MY CELL PHONE'S ON THE GROUND!! DAMMIT ILYANA YOU FUCKING FAGGOTY LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER!! DIPSHITTY LITTLE BITCHY BUNCH OF LARD!! YOU FREAKING LARD ASS!! HOW ABOUT YOU FREAKING GO AND SHIT ON YOURSELF!! AND JANAFF, I SEE YOU TRYING TO THROW THAT BUFFOLO AT LETHE!! _STOP IT!! _YOU SET THAT POOR BUFFOLO ON THE GROUND RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!!"

"Oh, DEAR ASHERA, LENORA WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD MOUTH UP?!" Ike yelled as loud as he could, "YOU'RE TRAUMATIZING FREDERICK!! …CRAP-DAMMIT FREDERICK, STOP FREAKING CRYING!! YOU'RE LUCKY THAT MIST IS HERE TO HOLD ME BACK FROM YELLING AT YOU FURTHER!!"

"We'd better go free Lenora…" said Soren.

"Yeah, let's." replied Mia.

"Okay, then." Gareth said. Suddenly they all found themselves each tied to a tree by Ilyana, Marcia, and Zihark.

"Augh!" Mia struggled.

"Argh! You crap-damn bitches!" Gareth grunted as he tried to free himself.

"Heh, you three bastards are all too slow for us!" Marcia smugly taunted.

"You take that back!" Mia spat.

"See ya round, dipshits!" Marcia got back onto her pegasus and she, Zihark, and Ilyana went off to go defeat some Daein soldiers and torment the other members of Lenora's team.

"Crap-dammit, Janaff!" Lethe yelled, "You and Ike are fags!"

"Looks like you've enjoyed being a part of the Crimean Liberation Army!" jested Ranulf.

"Can it, Ranulf!" Lethe spat as she homicidally scratched up a Daein soldier. "The sooner I'm back in Gallia, the better!"

Mist and Rolf were putting some ingredients in a pot and mixing them together when three drooling men were starting to chug down their concoction! "Oi!" Mist yelled at them, "You're ruining our awesome stuff there, you bastards!"

"Ye scurvy scallywags! That be our beer ye be drinkin' from, ye bilge rats!" Rolf tried to drag Boyd off of the beer keg.

"Yar…our beer…" Boyd mumbled as he immediately went back to drinking.

"Shit-dammit…" Rolf muttered.

Meanwhile, Ike confronted the enemy general, Bertram. "Perish…perish…" Bertram growled at Ike.

"What the…?" Ike looked at him, confused.

"Me…kill…"

"…HUH?!"

"Kill…me… KILL…M-ME!!" Bertram yelled.

"…What? Did you just say to kill you? Are you out of your mind?" Ike asked accusingly, "Have you been drinking too much ale?"

"Gu…Gu…GUWAAAAAH!!" Bertram suddenly roared homicidally in bloody murder and that scared Ike.

"AAAAHHH!! Dear Ashera, what the hell?!" Ike was very startled but after all that he had been through, Ike managed to muster up his courage and go kill Bertram.

"Ga…ah…releeeease…" Bertram mumbled and keeled over.

"YA-HOOOOOOO!! OH YEAH, I'M SO AWESOME!! I AM SO TOTALLY A HARDCORE GENERAL NOW!!" Ike screamed, getting very cocky.

"You know what, Ike?" Lenora asked Ike.

"What, chickenbutt?"

"EXACTLY!!"


	28. Chapter TwentySeven: Moment of Fear

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven. Moment of Fear

Ike and Tibarn and a few other Crimean army members were discussing what happened when Tibarn reported that The Black Knight had nearly killed them in the castle they were trying to invade. "AAAHH!!" Ike screamed like a little girl. "Holy shit The Black Knight is there?!" Ike hyperventilated for a while before getting angry and yelling, "BRING IT ON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!"

"Ike, you know you're still not ready…" said Titania.

"Uh-uh! I've got this!" Ike brought out a huge sword. "This sword is called Ragnell, a sword that The Black Knight tried to give to my father when they fought in Gallia. The Black Knight's armour is blessed by the goddess, and so is Ragnell! Now I'm going to shank that faggot's ass for sure!" Ike said cockily.

"…And you never mentioned this sword AT ALL?!" Titania got pissed.

Ike cowered and then replied, "It wasn't my fault! Back when we met Bastian and Lucia's brother at that castle place, The Black Knight appeared again and I secretly fought him for a while and while I did, he told me all this crap and I remembered Ragnell, the sword that I took with me to admire every once in a while. Now I'm going to use this sword!" Ike obnoxiously explained.

At the castle, everyone was either homicidal or afraid but they all fought with bloodlust and murderous anger. "Hi-yah!" Lenora clobbered a soldier.

"Yaar!" Mia shanked a soldier.

"Hah!" Gareth shot a soldier with his bow.

"Huh!" Soren summoned a bunch of killer wind to K.O. a soldier.

"Heh!" Stefan slashed a soldier silly. Soon, a bunch of Daein soldiers started belly-dancing.

"Shinon, why are you drinking beer when The Black Knight could round a corner any second now?" Gatrie asked.

"I dunno. I'm bored." Shinon said as he threw his beer bottle at a Daein soldier with expert precision. He then pulled out another bottle of beer. Gatrie sighed and started to vanquish the nearby Daein soldiers. Before long, everyone was gathered at the entrance of the room where The Black Knight was said to be waiting.

"I'm going in there alone! With my sacred blade Ragnell I'm going to kill The Black Knight!" Ike proudly announced.

"Ike, let me go too!" Soren said.

"No, Soren. I'm going in there alone!" Ike replied and with that, he went into the room without another word.

"No!" Soren ran after him, only to be stopped by Titania and Lenora. "What are you doing?!"

"This is the only way for Ike to truly get over his father's death. Let him go." Titania said.

"Pah! I'll have none of this naïve nonsense!"

"Just let him be. Ike's changed, you know. He's become a lot more kick-ass since when I first met him." said Lenora.

"…Idiocy…" Soren muttered as he stopped struggling. Ike entered the room.

"Turn and face me, Black Knight!" he demanded.

"Hmph. I've been waiting for you, child." The Black Knight turned around.

Ike noticed Ena on the floor. "Ah! Did you kill that girl?"

"Despite my promise, the blow was not clean. She breathes still."

"I'll take her."

"You'll have to do so by force. You brought the sacred sword Ragnell, did you not?"

"It's right here. If using it is the only condition I need fulfill to defeat you, I will not hesitate!"

"It appears you've grown smarter. Good. There is no challenge in killing a fool. Shall we begin?"

Then, Mist entered the chamber. "Brother!" she cried.

"Mist? No! Stay back!" Ike was shocked to see that the others had let Mist in.

"I... I will fight you! I'll never let you kill my brother!"

"Mist, you-"

"Gawain's daughter, eh? Good. Now I can pull out the entire family tree by the root.

"You're not to interfere, Mist! This craven wretch is mine!"

"Hmph! Do as you will. This time, we begin in earnest!"

"Aah!" Ike began to panic as The Black Knight neared. "Not…going…to lose…my cool! YAAARG!!" Ike leapt at The Black Knight. They sparred for a while when a few Daein soldiers entered the room.

"Protect the Black Knight!" shouted a soldier.

"Do not interfere! This man is my prey! I need no assistance."

"Oh! Then...uh... Hey, get that girl! Kill her before she flees!"

"Get out of here, Mist!" Ike yelled.

"No!! I'm not leaving you! I can protect myself. I won't run away, because I've got this!" Ike finally noticed a hot pink sword that Mist was holding.

"What the-what the hell is that?!" Ike almost laughed at the sword.

"I call her Care Bear and I'm going to shank all you crap-damn Daein soldiers!" Mist yelled fiercely and charged.

"O…kay…weird…YAAAR!!" Ike charged at The Black Knight once more. They sparred like crazy and soon, Mist actually killed all the Daein soldiers though she used really cheap moves. She watched and tried to cut The Black Knight whenever she could. Then, Ike's sword landed a huge hit on a neck area of the Knight's armour.

"Hi-yaaah!" Mist screamed fiercely in a high-pitched voice and managed to actually pierce through the fine layer of metal and her hot pink sword had blood on it! "Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Go Care Bear! Oh, my awesome new sword Care Bear! My awesome skills prevail!" Mist was dancing maniacally while Ike stood there and stared…then he started tap-dancing with foam coming out of his mouth. He didn't pay attention to The Black Knight's dying gasps that complimented Ike's skills.

Suddenly they heard Gatrie and Titania loudly screaming: "EVERYBODY RUN!! SHINON'S TYING AN ATOMIC BOMB TO ONE OF HIS ARROWS!!"

"What the…?" Ike stopped tap-dancing and Mist stopped squealing like the hyper imbecile that she is. Then suddenly, who should enter the room but Nasir?

"Ike! The castle's collapsing! Get out of here, now!"

"WHAT?! What the hell are you doing here?!" Ike yelled at him. Then Ena got up.

"N-Nasir?"

"Ena!" Nasir exclaimed.

"Mist, let's get out of here!" Ike yelled.

"All…all right." Mist replied.

"Hurry!" Ike yelled as he, Mist, Ena, and Nasir escaped with the rest of the Crimean army.

"Wow, nobody died!" Ike exclaimed happily as he and Titania took roll.

"Ike!" Soren exclaimed.

"Hi, Soren! Surprised to see that I'm alive?" Ike asked in a cocky tone.

"You freaking moron…" Soren sighed.

"Hah…yah…hah…what a day!" Lenora was stretching and mumbling.

"…Is your mouth full?" Mia asked her.

"…Huh? No it not." Lenora replied. Then a crumb fell out of her mouth.

"You! _You_'_re _the one who stole my muffin! Sorry, Boyd." Mia said as she pulled the duct tape that she stole from Ilyana and used to tape Boyd's hand onto a tree.

"YOWIE!!" Boyd screamed for he had a lot of arm hair.

"Blah…paperclip…" Lenora mumbled.

Then Geoffrey went up to Rhys. "We need to talk." he said to him.

"A-about what?" Rhys asked nervously.

"About Elincia. She's mine. Elincia is the love of my life and you're just some stupid wimpy…wimp."

"Oh…"

"And you are just some stupid crush of hers. She probably loves me more than you!" Geoffrey said.

"Oh…"

Then Elincia came and said, "Oh, hello you two…I like both of you, you know…" Elincia stupidly said.

"Oh…" Rhys said again.

"Argh…" Geoffrey growled at Rhys like a guard dog. Just then Lucia and Mia were sword fighting each other and insulting each other at the same time.

"Lucia, I know that you're the one who decided to lecture demented cleavers on the importance of not being the weapons of homicidal maniacs like Lenora!" Mia said.

"Uh…what?!" Lucia blocked an attack.

"Goodness gracious…" Lenora watched the two.


	29. A Twisted Tower and a Psychotic

Chapter Twenty-Eight. Twisted Tower and a Psychotic Heron Princess

Whoo! Sorry about the wait, but I've just been struggling through grades being in jeopardy, homework, tests, quizzes, essays, map coloring, map studying, idiots at school, sleep deprivation, etc But at least I've finally written the next chapter, so enjoy!

Leanne sat in her prison cell and sighed. A crazy sick man named Izuka said what sounded like gibberish to Leanne. Then a soldier entered the room and asked, "Is there a problem?"

"Eh? Who do you think you are? Why is it you disturb my meditations! I'm thinking here!" Izuka the creep replied.

"Um... I'm here to relieve you on guard duty."

"Standing guard, eh? Don't see much reason for a guard in this place. But armies always have all their rules and regulations and appearances and hullabaloo... Ah, no way around it, I suppose."

"I believe that guards and watches are important."

"Wheee! In other places, yes. But Gritnea Tower is currently overflowing with veteran soldiers. Not to mention those repulsive beats... Those Feral Ones, you know? Trying to escape from this place is the same as committing suicide! Not that I've tried, mind you."

"So a watch is necessary, and are you emo?"

"Hmmm? Wheee! What's that now? Who said that? Oh, it's you. Important, eh? Why's that?"

The soldier sighed, "Weeell...if the girl were to leave her room, we would be unable to stop her from getting killed."

"Ooo! You found a blind spot! That's the problem with us scholars! We concentrate on one thing and miss something as fundamental as-" Then a screech sounded, "Blast! They're getting riled up again... Listen, you! You stay right here and stand guard. Don't let that heron girl take one step outside this room! Do you understand me? Wheee! I told you we needed guards!"

"...Sigh... Don't worry. I'll take care of everything."

"Bah! Always when I'm in the middle of something... Snaggle-toothed, cheese-stealing..." Izuka mumbled angrily as he left the room.

"Finally! Methinks that guy fell a little far from the-what the-?" Leanne was crawling out of a hole that she burnt through the bars and giggling. The soldier pointed at her, "Wh-wh-what the hell? Where did you get that lighter?"

"Eh-he-heh " Leanne rubbed the back of her neck and giggled.

"You've become weirder over the years " the solder muttered. "Come this way then, little Heron girl." the 'Daein soldier' took Leanne by the hand and led her out of the room.

While this was taking place, Tibarn, Reyson, Ranulf, Lethe, Ulki, and Janaff were going berserk with rage at the feral ones and homicidally went to go and stop the horrible abominations with hatred and bloodlust. The rest of the Crimean army started to go and assist them. "Hiya!" Lenora hacked at a Daein. Gareth shot at all the flying Laguz, and Ike was having a seizure from the sight of so many enemy flying creatures.

"! THEY ALL WANT TO FREAKING EAT ME, DON'T THEY, SOREN!" Ike took Soren by the shoulders and shook him back and forth, "DON'T THEY, OH GREAT TACTITION WHO KNOWS EVERY FUCKING THING!"

"No, they don't!" Soren whapped Ike over the head with his tome. "They want to kill us all so GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND HELP US KILL THE FERAL ONES!"

"Okay!" Ike stupidly replied and went to go kill a nearing Dragon.

"Sharky!" Mia screamed. She was surrounded by a Raven, a Cat, and a Tiger.

"What is it, Cajun Seafood Bandit?" Sharky came floating towards her.

"Distract these enemies, will you?"

"Hmm how?"

"What the hell do you mean 'how?', you freaking imbecile!" Mia stabbed the Cat who leapt at her.

"Uh

Oh, my Cajun seafood! How I love you so!

The Cajun seafood holiday is what I always look foreword to!

Oh, my Cajun seafood! How I will alway-"

"SHARKY, SHIT-DAMMIT!" Mia thundered as she slashed at the Raven. "DON'T FUCKING SING BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOING TO FAZE THEM IN THE LEAST BIT! I HATE TO ADMIT THIS BUT YOU'RE VOICE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL AND SOOTHING FOR THEM TO BE DISTURBED AND THEY'RE FERAL ONES ANYWAY SO THEY WON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU'RE SINGING!" Mia was homicidal and pissed off and she ended up killing all the enemies that surrounded her without Sharky's help at all. Woot! Mia then reunited with Lenora, Stefan, and Ulki; who were working together to bring down a Dragon.

Meanwhile in the tower, Naesala and Leanne were walking through a hallway and finding an escape route. Naesala had already taken off his disguise and revealed his face, slick hairstyle, and tight leather clothing. So they were pretty much talking and catching up on good old times. "So we come at a dead end " Naesala groaned as they came to a dead end. But Leanne giggled and got out her lighter and a grenade.

"?" she said that Janaff had shown her this. "Don't try this at 'ome, keds!" she said and then lit the grenade. "This take a while!" but after a minute the grenade exploded and blew a hole through the wall. But to both of the Laguzes' disappointment, there was just another hallway that was packed with about four or five Daein soldiers playing strip poker.

"Aeek!" Leanne screamed.

"Ugh!" Naesala shielded Leanne's eyes. Leanne started to softly cry and hide behind Naesala. Her eyes and mind were now scarred for life. "You shits " Naesala growled.

One of the Daeins said, "Oh well this is awkward sorry, lady wait, you two are sub-humans!"

"AFTER THEM but then again...we're sort of in a humiliating situation "

"BUT I ALMOST HAVE YOU'RE SO TOTALLY AWESOME TOP! I WANT TO KEEP ON PLAYING, WHO CARES ABOUT THE TWO BIRD-PEOPLE?"

"So let's just let you two bird people just get on with your business "

"Yes, in exchange for you not knowing of our existence, I won't kill you." said Naesala as he took Leanne by the arm and led her past the Daein soldiers. Leanne still looked sickened and disgusted so Naesala said to her as they walked, "It's okay, Leanne. The image will go away after a while. Soon you won't remember very much, okay? Smile for me."

"?, Naesala." Leanne showed a weak smile and then she started skipping, taking Naesala by surprise. She took Naesala for even more surprise as she got out her lighter and was laughing at the small flickering flame.

Naesala sighed and rubbed the back of his shoulder, "Well, you certainly have become weirder over the years "

"! YOU FREAKING BLOODY FAG!" Ike screamed as he hacked away at the general leading the sick army. After the battle was over, they saw Naesala and a giggling Leanne exiting the tower through the main entrance.

"LEANNE OH MY DEAR ASHERA YOU'RE ALIVE!" Reyson, Janaff, and Ike yelled at the same time. They all shot each other an evil glare. Reyson ran over to Leanne and hugged her. He then stared at Naesala, confused.

Ike went up to them and said, "You You saved her? But you were "

Naesala replied, "Listen, and listen good. I don't want there to be any misunderstandings here. It was Tibarn! He forced me to do this. It wasn't any sense of charity or anything. It was a sort of...payment for the debt I had incurred."

"I knew choosing you would pay off. Excellently done." said Tibarn as he walked up to them.

"Flatter me all you like, hawk king. You'll get nothing in return. As promised, the Duke Tanas account has been completely settled."

"Yes, as agreed."

"Well then, I take my leave of you."

"There's no need to rush off. Is there? Since you've come all this way, why not stay and help us with King Daein?

"What a splendid idea." said Ike.

"What? Enough of your nonsense. I prefer to keep my life intact, thank you." Naesala replied haughtily.

Leanne then said something to him in the Heron language: "?"

"Listen to me, Leanne. I have no good reason to fight the king of Daein."

Then Reyson entered the conversation: "No good reason? And what about your fellow Kilvans? King Daein has taken their natural identity and warped it beyond repair!"

"They left Kilvas of their own accord. How far should my responsibility for them extend?"

"You..."

"I hate to interrupt, but..."

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT, NASIR! Ha-haw, just kidding! What is it, Nasir?" asked Ike.

"I have something I want to show you all. Will you please come below?"

"Okay! Let's all go, everyone!" Ike said.

"This tower has a basement?" asked Tibarn as they descended the stairs.

"We just discovered a hidden staircase." Nasir replied.

"Let's go, this looks cool!" Ike stupidly said and was making creepy noises.

"Ike, for the love of Ashera, shut the fuck up!" Lenora was pissed.

Adding the part that ensues would probably spoil the humor, so I'm not going to write it. But I'll try and mention it in the next chapter and maybe we'll have a laugh or two about it. Well, I'll try and write another chapter as soon as possible, so don't think that I've given up on this parody! 


	30. Chapter 29: Repairing

Chapter Twenty-nine

Chapter Twenty-nine. Repairing Crimea's Might…With Massive Screaming and Laughing Seizures and Foaming Mouths and Daein Bloodlust

"You know, you really need to relax, maybe then you won't keep missing. None of us want you to be shooting us instead of a threatening enemy." said Lenora as she watched an arrow fly into the edge of a target ring.

Gareth sighed and relaxed his position. "What is it you expect, Lenora? We're going to be facing _Ashnard_, and his best soldiers. Of course I'm nervous. Why are you so chipper?"

"Well, I have a magic sword…and there's also the fact that you…have an advantage over the enemies because of the fact that…you very well know what I'm talking about, here." Lenora replied.

"You're right, but…what about our friends?"

"Soren's like us, Stefan and Mia are unpleasant to encounter, we have Laguz rulers joining us, we have Ike's tap-dancing, and not to mention, Frederick. We'll all be fine."

At Lenora's response, Gareth immediately perked up, "WOOT!!" he nocked his bow, fired, and hit the middle of the target ring. "BOO-YAAAAAAH!! YOU STUPID DAEINS CAN'T TAKE US CRIMEANS, BEGNIONS, GALLIANS, PHOENICIANS, KILVANS, RUNNAWAY GOLDOANS, AND OUTCAST DAEINS ON!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!"

"CUT THAT FUCKING SHIT RACKET OUT!!" Ulki swooped at Gareth.

"PRACTICE TIME!!" Gareth hollered as he picked up a dull wooden arrow for practice in combat and started shooting Ulki with practice arrows. Ulki flew at him and Gareth dodged his attacks. Soon, Lenora picked up a wooden sword and joined in on the training.

The very next day, Lenora, Gareth, and Mia had their mouths gaping open while Ike was tap-dancing. Elincia had just finished a moving and dramatic speech. "And just yesterday she was screaming her head off and running around with a fly swatter when we were in that underground Laguz corpse den." Lenora pointed out with amazement.

"She nearly tripped over her stupid dress. She needs to wear her fighting clothes more often!" Mia replied.

"I wonder why she never revealed that she could fight until recently…" Nephenee said as she was listening in on their conversation.

"Brother! Snap out of it!" Mist bitch-slapped Ike to make him stop tap-dancing.

"What is it, Mist?"

"You say a long boring lecture about surviving as well!"

"Hmm…Okay!" Ike said with his stupid tone of voice and said a moving encouragement as well. Lenora was prone to tap-dancing before Ike finished and she kept her tap-dancing craving inside. Ike then yelled, "Well, what are you all waiting for?! LET'S SACK STUPID KING ASHNARD TODAY!!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" everyone shouted and the Crimean Liberation Army, so homicidal and determined to maul and exterminate the Daein army charged over the hill and broke through enemy defense troops and ended up in the Crimean Castle courtyard. Then a giant and very scary wyvern unit flew over at them. "Hey! LOOK OUT FOR THE FLYING THING THAT'S GOING TO EAT ME!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! RUN AWAY!!" Ike screamed and shuddered in fear as the wyvern unit hovered near them.

"Is…is that..." Elincia flew on her pegasus toward the wyvern rider.

"Elincia, you stupid princess! What are you doing?! Get back!" Ike screamed with a begging and frightened voice.

"…Ashnard…" Elincia said after studying him carefully. Ashnard felt weird and awkward as the strange woman examined him.

"Wh-what did you say?" Ike stammered, "Did you say that _that is Ashnard??_"

Ashnard chuckled menacingly, "Heh, heh, heh, heh…it's been a while, Princess Crimea."

Just then Ike burst out in laughter, "HEE-HEE-HAW-HAW-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW-(SNORT) _YOU_ _OF ALL THE SCARY PEOPLE I'VE MET ARE STUPID KING ASHNARD?! _But you-but you-YOU HAVE A BIT OF PARSELY STUCK IN YOUR TEETH AND YOU HAVE THE MOST BUGAR-FREE NOSTRILS I'VE SEEN SINCE BOYD WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT WHICH MEANS YOU PICK YOUR NOSE!! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!" Ike laughed like a dang maniac and started having a seizure from laughing.

"Uh…Ike, I kinda think that's funny too, but…YOU FREAKING MORON HOW DARE YOU LAUGH WHEN THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE AND SCARY BATTLE IN OUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIVES AND YOU START LAUGHING AT THE FACT THAT KING ASHNARD PICKS HIS NOSE…HAW-HAW!! HA-HAH-HEE-HEE-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!" Elincia was choking from laughter. That pissed off Ashnard.

"YOU DIPSHITTED LITTLE FAG CRIMEAN MEANIES!!" Ashnard roared, "I SAY THAT WE HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN ME AND YOU TWO FREAKING LITTLE CRIMEAN FREAKING STINKING DIPSHITS!!" Ashnard drew his sword as Elincia and Ike both drew theirs. Mist then rode up to them.

"I wanna fight, too!"

"TOO BAD!!" Ashnard thundered. Mist stuck her tongue out at him. "OH YOU'RE SO TOTALLY IN ON THE FIGHT AS WELL!!"

"Let's nail him, Care Bear!" Mist drew her hot pink sword. "And the rest of you go shank the rest of the stupid Daein shit-heads and take back Crimea's wonderful and beautiful and fascinating castle!" Mist screamed like a war general.

"That's my line, you stinking bitch!" Ike yelled, "Soren! Take Frederick! Elincia and Mist and I can handle Ashnard!" Ike then threw Frederick at Soren. Soren caught it and he, Lenora, Geoffrey, Mia, Lucia, Gareth, Titania, Ranulf, and Stefan led the army to purify the castle by shanking Daein soldiers.

Leanne set an unsuspecting Daein soldier's uniform on fire. That made a bunch of Daein soldiers distracted and greatly helped Lenora, Boyd, and Mia finish them. Leanne closed the lid of her lighter shut and begun to skip happily around the battle field. She then eyed a cool-looking sword and picked it up. The sword was too heavy, so she sung a galdr to make her strong enough to lift the sword up. "He…hee-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Leanne giggled with joy as she then spun around and danced in the midst of screaming and shanking.

"Hiya! Hiya! Hee…YAAAAAA!!" Ike manically hacked at Ashnard while Elincia rammed into him with her mount. Mist slashed at Ashnard with rage and bloodlust.

Just then, Mad King Ashnard had a sudden realization. _That hot pink sword…that sword was used to kill The Black Knight! _"OH MY GODDESS TRAPPED IN THE MEDALLIAN!!" Ashnard panicked and screamed like a little girl. He jumped off of his mount and ran with his arms flailing as he hollered in cowardly fear. Leanne was pivoting around and she spun around to find her new toy impaled through Mad King Ashnard's chest.

"Uh…" Leanne stood there with wide eyes and staring curiously at Ashnard. "He…heh, haha!" Leanne giggled with wonder. Ashnard died and Leanne then collapsed.

"LEANNE!!" Tibarn, Reyson, Naesala, Nealuchi, and Ike all yelled at the same time. They all shot each other an evil glare.

"Leanne!" Reyson picked Leanne up.

Meanwhile, Leanne was nocking a giant longbow with a huge sword and shooting Ashnard with it.

"Is she all right, Reyson?" Ike asked.

"…She seems to have a contented smile on her face." Reyson replied.

Then, they all heard a mumble, "Ha-ha, Ashnard dead meat…"

**Wow. I wonder if I made Leanne just plain disturbing…**


	31. Epilogue

Epilogue

Epilogue. The End…? I Think Not

"For the past year," Ike began, "I've been focused on winning this war. I stand here today as a testament to your fortitude and commitment. I understand this

will never suffice, but I wanted to take a moment to say something to you

all. Thank you. I hope I may continue to rely on you."

"Of course. I hope that I may continue to be of service." said Soren.

Titania complimented tearfully, "You've grown so much... I would like nothing better than if Commander Greil and Elena could see you now..."

Oscar sighed happily, "What a long road we've traveled! And yet, in many ways, it seemed to pass so quickly. I'm glad it's finally over."

"We did well, didn't we? I'm sure Mom and Dad would be proud of us. And we never would have won without my awesome sword, Care Bear!" Mist gloated like a freaking imbecile.

Boyd clapped Ike on the shoulder, "Great job, Ike! Of course, if I hadn't been by your side the whole time, victory might have slipped away..."

"Ike! Ike! Er... I mean, Commander Ike! I'm going to keep practicing so I can be better than ever! Thanks for having faith in me!" Rolf piped up.

Rhys rubbed his forehead, "Finally...it's finally over. At long last, we can return to a life without war. Praise the goddess."

"Ike! Are we going to go back to being mercenaries? I'm a great soldier and all, but... The easygoing life of a mercenary is the only life for me. Tee hee! Now let's go find some good-looking lasses!" Gatrie said as he got out a bottle of ale.

Shinon scowled before saying, "...Bah. I suppose you want some kind of congratulations now, right? Well, too bad. You're a snot-nosed whelp, and I'm still better than you. Don't ever forget that." Shinon said as he got out a bottle of rum.

Mia then chirped, "Heya, Boss! We did it! Whooo-hooo! You know, I am completely in love with your fighting style." Marcia relaxed after hearing the words that came after the word love, "If I could train under you, it would be great! So let me stick around for a while. All right?"

Lenora then cut in, "I am so totally joining you all!"

Gareth then said, "If that's the case, Lenora, I'll be joining you mercenaries, too! What about you, Stefan?"

"I have a hermit village to look after…but we can visit, yes?" Stefan replied.

Volke then said to Ike, "I've no more work here. I will be leaving you shortly. If you have need of my services, you know how to reach me." Volke then jumped up to a tree-top and jumped from tree-top to tree-top until he reached a local pub to drink.

Ike turned to Elincia, "You've had to wait a long time, but I finally fulfilled my contract. The mission is complete."

"My lord Ike... On behalf of all Crimea and my departed father, mother, and uncle, I thank you once again..".

"Oh, stop! Come on, will you please stop doing that?"

"Pardon?" Elincia stupidly asked.

"I think I've gotten used to a few of these noble customs and whatnot, but I still can't handle the bowing. It makes me antsy...and itchy, too."

"Oh, my lord Ike... Hee hee!"

AND BLAH BLAH BLAH EVERYTHING GOES AS WHAT HAPPENED AT THE ENDING OF THE ACTUAL GAME INCLUDING IKE GOING OUT TO THE BALCONY OF THE CASTLE WITH ELINCIA AND BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!

"Well, now…what are we supposed to do, again?" Ike asked dumbly.

Titania's eyebrow twitched. "ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID, IKE?! WE HAVE TO HELP REBUILD CRIMEA!! NOW GET YOUR FUCKING SORRY ASS TO THAT PILE OF WOOD AND HELP REPAIR THAT BROKEN CASTLE WALL!!"

"Eeep! Yes, ma'am! I'm picking up the wood! But first I need to feed my rubber chicken!"

"OH, CONFOUND THAT BLOODY CHICKEN!!"

**Yes, yes, I know the ending was freaking lousy, I know! But I'm going to begin the parody of Radiant Dawn as if it were just the next chapter! I'd like to thank everyone who reads, criticizes, and likes my parody. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH AND PEACE OUT!! STAY SAFE!! BEWARE OF DEMON RUBBER CHICKENS!! **


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